...Have you noticed that myspace and facebook are exactly the same now. They both have slowly morphed into each other. Interestingly enough, as this has happened I have lost 90% of my own interest in them. I just don't have the time to devote to it these days.
...My next point, time. Most people my age usually accommodate for their lack of time to do things by just not sleeping. This seems like a great idea because it adds a whole 8 hours on to usable day! To bad for me that sleeping happens to be one of my favorite pass times. In fact in the rare moments when I do have down time to do nothing, I will usually be sleeping. This has become a problem recently as "senoiritis" has started to kick in (side note: I truly believe that senioritis is 100% mental and if people never used the term we wouldn't think about it) I would much rather sleep then do the things that need to get done.
...The before mentioned Christmas cd is done....Thank God.
...This Christmas is the first time that I have ever bought presents for my family with my own money. It's kinda nice.
...Downloaded a new ringtone for my phone....super excited about it!
...Having issues finding a mug worthy of mug exchange wed! AHHH
...I have been feeling like writing a poem lately, but I've had nothing to write about. Sad Day.
...The stress level of everyone in my house has started to effect relationships.
...My brother has bought a lot and is having a house built. He is 22! Although I'm not super happy that he is living back at our house till April when the house is supposed to be done, I am really proud of him. for his past, he has really bounced back. He is by far the most successful people of his age that I know. He has proven every teenage statistic wrong. However, I know that all of this is because of God. Ryan must have something amazing set out for him. It amazes me that with everything he has done in his life that he is still alive, among other things. Two things I'm thankful for, my brother, and that God has protected him so well.
...Ive been on an artistic adventure. In my ap gov class I sit with two girls who are extremely talented and they have helped me along. I'm quite impressed with myself. Before I thought that I would forever be stuck at stick figures. But no! I have moved well past that! YAY! I'm not great or maybe even good, but I'm just happy that I'm improving. : ) (Kelsey would be proud of me if ever showed her any of it)
...Ive been so stressed out lately, but I wanted to read something. I did not want however, to have to think hard about what I was reading, so I found a solution! I'm reading a book called The Misfits, I bought back when I was in 7th grade and never actually read it. : ) Its a 10-14 year reading level! lol Its sorta ridiculous, but its easy and I'm enjoying its simplicity. But in light of said simplicity I have chosen to read something Of literary worth soon. I would say next, but my mother wants me to read a Christmas book, so I might do that, then read either Pride and Prejudice or The Scarlet Letter. I also bought another of my favorite authors (Francine Rivers) books, The Prince, from her biblical men series. So I'm excited about getting to that one too. It's about Jonathon.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
On Life Recently
Sunday service was really good I thought. I enjoy when Mike teaches; I think he gives a very scholarly feel that I enjoy now and then to mix things up a bit. Anyway He taught about thanksgiving and what it means to live a thankful life and how to do that. I really liked his metaphor of the clothing making machine and weaving the thread of thankfulness into our every day lives. Gave me a new prospective. So I'm thankful for this past Sunday's lesson, and I'm thankful for Mike's scholarly presence.
Also, recording Christmas cds is a pain! Technology has been Trevor and I's biggest problem. Freezing computers, or the program doesn't work. Then after we spend time figuring out that mess we set upon tackling another song. Each song takes around an hour to do. It's quite the ordeal!
I turned 18 last tuesday, and really haven't done anything 18ish yet. I did register to vote, but that's about the only 18 thing worth doing. For my birthday I got the 1st level of the Rosetta Stone Italian Language Learner. (Since I'm going to Italy for 22 days this July) It's pretty darn sweet! I would recomend it to anyone for any language! I've learned more in a week then I ever did in 2 years of spanish at school! It's quick, easy, and even kinda fun. It's like one of those educational video games! I'm really enjoying it. Maybe Ill get the 2nd level for Christmas! I'm gonna be fluent in Italian before I ever step foot on Italy's soil! ....Well Im not sure about that, but I'm really excited about the trip.
Also, recording Christmas cds is a pain! Technology has been Trevor and I's biggest problem. Freezing computers, or the program doesn't work. Then after we spend time figuring out that mess we set upon tackling another song. Each song takes around an hour to do. It's quite the ordeal!
I turned 18 last tuesday, and really haven't done anything 18ish yet. I did register to vote, but that's about the only 18 thing worth doing. For my birthday I got the 1st level of the Rosetta Stone Italian Language Learner. (Since I'm going to Italy for 22 days this July) It's pretty darn sweet! I would recomend it to anyone for any language! I've learned more in a week then I ever did in 2 years of spanish at school! It's quick, easy, and even kinda fun. It's like one of those educational video games! I'm really enjoying it. Maybe Ill get the 2nd level for Christmas! I'm gonna be fluent in Italian before I ever step foot on Italy's soil! ....Well Im not sure about that, but I'm really excited about the trip.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Just a Short Thought On My Family
If someone was to write a biography on my life and my family, I would imagine that most people would think it a satire.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
On the 4th of July
The 4th of July is my favorite holiday hands down. And this year I missed out on it twice. The first of the two actually being on July 4th. Due to ridiculous rains this summer Texoma lake was flooded and the fireworks were canceled. We did go somewhere else on July 3rd, but that doesn't count because the show sucked! Worst firework show I've seen! Then the marina on Texoma that was doing the fireworks was going to have the show on labor day weekend. So of course we went to the lake but my folks got into a fight and they were both PMSing and decided not to go at all. Therefore my favorite holiday was a complete wash! (you really don't understand how bummed out I was)
However...God provides. This past Saturday night I went to the UNT football game with some friends. Which was in its self a God thing since I had a bad day and fully planned on staying at home alone and sulking in my misery....but I went anyway. It was a lot of fun! AND UNT WON!!!!! 31-21. WOO HOO!! Anyway, as we were making the trek back to my car a bunch of fireworks started to go off. They set off a ton! (I guess they had a lot to get rid of since they never win!) So I got really excited and sat down in the middle of the side walk (completely in the way) and enjoyed the show. It was great. Just a little piece of heaven.
However...God provides. This past Saturday night I went to the UNT football game with some friends. Which was in its self a God thing since I had a bad day and fully planned on staying at home alone and sulking in my misery....but I went anyway. It was a lot of fun! AND UNT WON!!!!! 31-21. WOO HOO!! Anyway, as we were making the trek back to my car a bunch of fireworks started to go off. They set off a ton! (I guess they had a lot to get rid of since they never win!) So I got really excited and sat down in the middle of the side walk (completely in the way) and enjoyed the show. It was great. Just a little piece of heaven.
Monday, October 8, 2007
On Becoming an Adult
A dear friend recently said that, on becoming an adult, she has been swarmed with an unsettling sense of obligation, and responsibility. I have yet to turn 18, but the day is approaching quickly, but I have already started to feel this too. To me all 18 represents is jobs, college, bills, decision making, adult stuff. Granted, it's exciting at times. But more then that, it's scary.
To be truly transparent, I would have to say that I am scared of the future. For me, it is so uncertain right now. I don't know where I want to go to college, or what I want to do. I have never had a job before, nor had to pay any bills. For that matter I've never really had to pay for anything. On the topic of college however, that is where I find myself mostly insecure. Though my parents are against it, I could if I really wanted to, go out of state for college. I could go anywhere. But I don't truly have a passion for any certain place, or even a passion to get out of Texas, so I'll most likely stay here. But still, Texas is a large state and has many options. Again, my parents are against it, but if I wanted, I could go anywhere in Texas. But honestly, I don't think I would want to. I'm insecure. I want to live on my own, but not away. I want to be independent, but not to far away if I need them. I don't want to leave my sister and let her grow up as an only child. I don't want to have to find a new church and find my place all over again. I'm scared. So I'll say that I want to go to UNT, and that my parents want me to go there. And that's great. But really, I want to go to UNT because I'm afraid to leave, and truly be on my own. I'm afraid to really be an adult.
To be truly transparent, I would have to say that I am scared of the future. For me, it is so uncertain right now. I don't know where I want to go to college, or what I want to do. I have never had a job before, nor had to pay any bills. For that matter I've never really had to pay for anything. On the topic of college however, that is where I find myself mostly insecure. Though my parents are against it, I could if I really wanted to, go out of state for college. I could go anywhere. But I don't truly have a passion for any certain place, or even a passion to get out of Texas, so I'll most likely stay here. But still, Texas is a large state and has many options. Again, my parents are against it, but if I wanted, I could go anywhere in Texas. But honestly, I don't think I would want to. I'm insecure. I want to live on my own, but not away. I want to be independent, but not to far away if I need them. I don't want to leave my sister and let her grow up as an only child. I don't want to have to find a new church and find my place all over again. I'm scared. So I'll say that I want to go to UNT, and that my parents want me to go there. And that's great. But really, I want to go to UNT because I'm afraid to leave, and truly be on my own. I'm afraid to really be an adult.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
good news
I'm happy again! Things are going well.
-today we took choir pictures, and I forgot, but luckily I had gotten up early to look cute anyway....I lucked out!
-I've finally dove into my bible study on Ephesians....something I've been procrastinating since the early summer. I'm only on day four, but I think starting my day in the word is what brought me out of my funk.
-I'm super excited about the possibility/reality of making a Christmas cd
-It's extremely difficult to write a song....ugh
-no longer addicted to charmed! Whoot! I now have 2 more hours in my day
-my ridiculous English class is watching a knights tale for two periods!
-I'm starting to enjoy my friends again
-today we took choir pictures, and I forgot, but luckily I had gotten up early to look cute anyway....I lucked out!
-I've finally dove into my bible study on Ephesians....something I've been procrastinating since the early summer. I'm only on day four, but I think starting my day in the word is what brought me out of my funk.
-I'm super excited about the possibility/reality of making a Christmas cd
-It's extremely difficult to write a song....ugh
-no longer addicted to charmed! Whoot! I now have 2 more hours in my day
-my ridiculous English class is watching a knights tale for two periods!
-I'm starting to enjoy my friends again
Sunday, September 30, 2007
A Side Note
My hand-eye coordination is really off today. I am not a clumsy person for the most part but today I have run into several walls, doors, random decor items...etc. It's quite ridiculous!
Today
So far my weekend has turned out quite well I think. I might even be coming out of my funk. YAY! Anyway, today is a great day to:
relax
read the newspaper
catch up on homework
watch tv
read a book
practice my music for all state
But so far I have not done much. I spent my day cleaning the house from the destruction my brother caused. I did get a little music rehearsal in and that brings me here, playing on the computer, when I should be reading The Prince and doing my journals for Euro hist. Oh well, I'm a great procrastinator!
Enjoy your Sunday!
relax
read the newspaper
catch up on homework
watch tv
read a book
practice my music for all state
But so far I have not done much. I spent my day cleaning the house from the destruction my brother caused. I did get a little music rehearsal in and that brings me here, playing on the computer, when I should be reading The Prince and doing my journals for Euro hist. Oh well, I'm a great procrastinator!
Enjoy your Sunday!
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Green Day
I thought I would dedicate this day to a little band called Green day, since they once wrote a song that within its first few lines sums up my whole day.
"Do you have the time, to listen to me whine. About nothing and everything all at once? I am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it. "
Today...had it's highlights, but over all just a very sucky day.
"Do you have the time, to listen to me whine. About nothing and everything all at once? I am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it. "
Today...had it's highlights, but over all just a very sucky day.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Saw you at the pole
God freakin rocks.
I've never been to a "see you at the pole" event. I always say I'm going and every year I either forget, or don't wake up on time. Well my senior year, and I finally went. Its was great. It's so encouraging to come together with other believers, most who I didn't know and just pray for our school and worship. Some boys brought guitars and they led us in worship and then we broke off into smaller groups to pray. After that those boys had to leave along with some other people but the rest of us just stayed and sang songs as they came to us. It was pretty fun. Then as the remnant prayed together in a circle, people kept asking God to show us opportunities to tell others about Him, and to just be a shining light in our school for Him. The cool thing was that He actually did give me that opportunity.
In Ap gov, as I was rummaging through my binder I had a flyer for syatp in the pocket and a friend of mine asked me what it was. I was kind of caught off guard since I just assumed most everyone knew about it at least, but I guess not. So through that I was able to explain to her and the other two people at my table why we gathered together earlier that morning. Soon they were asking me questions like why Christians tended to be more fellowshipy (don't hate on my word) then people of other religions, and about salvation through faith vs. faith and works, along with some other stuff. It was pretty great. I just thank God that I was able to speak to them (a group of very liberal, anti-religious kids who also regularly take part in the teenage statistic stuff) and not come off as a close minded Jesus Freak, who only wants to bible beat and condemn them to hell, which is how they feel about most people who talk about God around them I guess.
So the moral of today's story is that when you ask you shall receive.
I've never been to a "see you at the pole" event. I always say I'm going and every year I either forget, or don't wake up on time. Well my senior year, and I finally went. Its was great. It's so encouraging to come together with other believers, most who I didn't know and just pray for our school and worship. Some boys brought guitars and they led us in worship and then we broke off into smaller groups to pray. After that those boys had to leave along with some other people but the rest of us just stayed and sang songs as they came to us. It was pretty fun. Then as the remnant prayed together in a circle, people kept asking God to show us opportunities to tell others about Him, and to just be a shining light in our school for Him. The cool thing was that He actually did give me that opportunity.
In Ap gov, as I was rummaging through my binder I had a flyer for syatp in the pocket and a friend of mine asked me what it was. I was kind of caught off guard since I just assumed most everyone knew about it at least, but I guess not. So through that I was able to explain to her and the other two people at my table why we gathered together earlier that morning. Soon they were asking me questions like why Christians tended to be more fellowshipy (don't hate on my word) then people of other religions, and about salvation through faith vs. faith and works, along with some other stuff. It was pretty great. I just thank God that I was able to speak to them (a group of very liberal, anti-religious kids who also regularly take part in the teenage statistic stuff) and not come off as a close minded Jesus Freak, who only wants to bible beat and condemn them to hell, which is how they feel about most people who talk about God around them I guess.
So the moral of today's story is that when you ask you shall receive.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Just some stuff
-I'm still in my funk, and it's starting to annoy me!
-I got to hang with my awesome friend Taylor today!
-I love my brother, but I'm DREADING the day I live next door.
-I'm super happy about getting 1st place out of 130 girls during my 1st phase of all state auditions this past sat.
-I think church did a really good job on communion tonight.
-I finally got to finish This Present Darkness by Frank E. Peretti on Saturday. It was pretty good. Made me think a lot.
-I decided to walk to go get the paper today. WORST DECISION EVER!!! I did not realize how long of a walk it really was and I was so hot and sticky by the time I got home. It was miserable!
-I still don't have a clue about what I'm going to do in college. It's annoying.
-I spend WAY more time thinking about what I'll do this summer then I am thinking about school next year! I think I might take a student tour through Italy, Greece and a day trip to Ephesus! Super Cool. I'm not for sure that I'll be able to go yet, but I'm looking into it and really want to. So far things are looking up.
-So excited that ski trip is still on. Although I am bummed that I will miss Battle cry.
-I hate that Ive had such a hard time waking up lately.
-Ive started to embrace senioritis.
-I think Ill go to coffee shop this Thursday.
-right now, I should be doing homework......again, senioritis.
-besides talking to Taylor, Ive basically quite using myspace and facebook.
-Ive been making time for all the wrong things.
-Yesterday was a day that I wished that I was still young and ignorant to what was going on around me.
-I got to hang with my awesome friend Taylor today!
-I love my brother, but I'm DREADING the day I live next door.
-I'm super happy about getting 1st place out of 130 girls during my 1st phase of all state auditions this past sat.
-I think church did a really good job on communion tonight.
-I finally got to finish This Present Darkness by Frank E. Peretti on Saturday. It was pretty good. Made me think a lot.
-I decided to walk to go get the paper today. WORST DECISION EVER!!! I did not realize how long of a walk it really was and I was so hot and sticky by the time I got home. It was miserable!
-I still don't have a clue about what I'm going to do in college. It's annoying.
-I spend WAY more time thinking about what I'll do this summer then I am thinking about school next year! I think I might take a student tour through Italy, Greece and a day trip to Ephesus! Super Cool. I'm not for sure that I'll be able to go yet, but I'm looking into it and really want to. So far things are looking up.
-So excited that ski trip is still on. Although I am bummed that I will miss Battle cry.
-I hate that Ive had such a hard time waking up lately.
-Ive started to embrace senioritis.
-I think Ill go to coffee shop this Thursday.
-right now, I should be doing homework......again, senioritis.
-besides talking to Taylor, Ive basically quite using myspace and facebook.
-Ive been making time for all the wrong things.
-Yesterday was a day that I wished that I was still young and ignorant to what was going on around me.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Teenage Battle Scars
I'm not a generally naive person who thinks things like "drugs aren't a big deal at our school", or "That's a nice girl, I just can't see her having sex at such a young age", but I do like to think that while these are issues among other things, that's some how it's still under control. By under control I mean that there is a normalcy and limit of teenage bad behavior. However, today I had a run-in that told me differently. Teens these days are really running wild whether we realize it or not.
I was sitting in a class today and we didn't have anything to do. The girls at my table started a conversation about their boyfriends and their drama, typical girl stuff right? Wrong. My boy stuff and drama peeks at a level of: does he like me or not? is he cheating on her? who will I go to homecoming with? But these girls talked for an hour about their boys who ranged from ages of 17-30 and married!!! Keep in mind these are 17 year old girls too. And multiple boys. I wont go into detail but some of these stories I was hearing were incredibly unbelievable. I have even recently heard a story of a girl who waited for a while and went slow in her relationship but finally gave in and was dumped a week later. Most of the girls came from not so hot homes and had history with all the other normal teen stuff. Then finally to top my day off, I found out that a friend was into some tragic habits and it blew me away that I'm close to this person and didn't have a clue.
Now these are just instances from today and I could add many more from days past. But I am just floored that so many teens today are involved in sex, drugs, alcohol, cutting, and not only involved because I was all ready well aware of that, but to be in so deep and to have been in for so many years. Some people I know started this routine at 13! It's sad. Not only a sad statistic but such a sad reality to watch these boys and girls, my peers and my friends be so lost and confused, be so caught up in their messes, and be so alright with it. Its sad.
But where does that put me? I'm wondering today how it was that I have managed to come through most of high school with virtually no battle scars. Sure I keep a pretty clean cut group of friends but I have friends who aren't so good too. And yes, I was brought up in a good home and had the chance to watch and learn from other peoples mistakes. But I attribute my being able to get through high school resisting the teenage stereotype by God's grace alone. I find myself thanking God today for protecting me from this suffering and for allowing me to understand and come to love Him at such a young age and have time to grow. I have been tempted on several occasions with various things and without God I would have fallen to the pressures like so many of my friends have. It amazes me how truly evident God is in my life. But I take it for granted by glorifying myself and MY "good choices". But no, I have done nothing.
So today I encourage you to look at your life and search out the ways that God is evident in your life. How has He protected you against temptations or suffering? Or how has He helped you out of those places when you do fail? Don't take God for granted today. Praise Him, and let your "good choices" be to His glory!
I was sitting in a class today and we didn't have anything to do. The girls at my table started a conversation about their boyfriends and their drama, typical girl stuff right? Wrong. My boy stuff and drama peeks at a level of: does he like me or not? is he cheating on her? who will I go to homecoming with? But these girls talked for an hour about their boys who ranged from ages of 17-30 and married!!! Keep in mind these are 17 year old girls too. And multiple boys. I wont go into detail but some of these stories I was hearing were incredibly unbelievable. I have even recently heard a story of a girl who waited for a while and went slow in her relationship but finally gave in and was dumped a week later. Most of the girls came from not so hot homes and had history with all the other normal teen stuff. Then finally to top my day off, I found out that a friend was into some tragic habits and it blew me away that I'm close to this person and didn't have a clue.
Now these are just instances from today and I could add many more from days past. But I am just floored that so many teens today are involved in sex, drugs, alcohol, cutting, and not only involved because I was all ready well aware of that, but to be in so deep and to have been in for so many years. Some people I know started this routine at 13! It's sad. Not only a sad statistic but such a sad reality to watch these boys and girls, my peers and my friends be so lost and confused, be so caught up in their messes, and be so alright with it. Its sad.
But where does that put me? I'm wondering today how it was that I have managed to come through most of high school with virtually no battle scars. Sure I keep a pretty clean cut group of friends but I have friends who aren't so good too. And yes, I was brought up in a good home and had the chance to watch and learn from other peoples mistakes. But I attribute my being able to get through high school resisting the teenage stereotype by God's grace alone. I find myself thanking God today for protecting me from this suffering and for allowing me to understand and come to love Him at such a young age and have time to grow. I have been tempted on several occasions with various things and without God I would have fallen to the pressures like so many of my friends have. It amazes me how truly evident God is in my life. But I take it for granted by glorifying myself and MY "good choices". But no, I have done nothing.
So today I encourage you to look at your life and search out the ways that God is evident in your life. How has He protected you against temptations or suffering? Or how has He helped you out of those places when you do fail? Don't take God for granted today. Praise Him, and let your "good choices" be to His glory!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Happy Thoughts
I've decided to post something of a positive nature. So here are some things that I'm really enjoying about school.
-Although the boys in my show choir suck.....(really)....my director gave us 5 girls a piece of our own to do. It's a five part (every girl has their own part) version of Killing Me Softly. I'm really enjoying it! Finally a really fun and also challenging song, that I'm sure will turn out very nicely at the concert.
-Chambers. Choir is choir, but every year rives (dir) gets nicer and easier to be around, so that's a plus.
-Ap gov sucks as a course and topic to study, but I love the people at my table. That is one of the most entertaining 1 1/2 hours of my week.
-Crossword puzzles are the new fad in my inner circle in ap gov. Its a pass time we all enjoy while ignoring whats being taught. : )
-Ap Euro Hist. Mr teach rocks, and I love the subject matter. I'm actually treating this as a college level course and I'm reading the chapter at home like he "suggested" we do. I love the people in my class and it's a really fun course. Ap Euro Hist, definitely this years favorite class.
-I know, I'm a slacker. I took regular eng 4. lol But it's ok, cause I'm one of the smartest people in there so that's a plus for me and not a lot is required of me. Which is most definitely a plus right now.
-Well since I'm domestically challenged I decided to take a cooking class this year. We haven't started to do much at all, but next class we get to make biscuits. But whether I get to make food and eat it, or I just have an extra hour at school to read a book, I'm glad for the simplicity and relaxed mood in there.
-Dismiss. Dismiss. Dismiss. It's the greatest thing to happened to me since Jesus! (however still not nearly as good as Jesus, Duh) Most days I fill this extra time with two episodes of charmed. lol I know, it's a horrible way to spend my spare time and I should be doing things that are productive or at least different things every day and not become addicted to a tv show. But, I just love it so much. However other days I will miss my show and stay at school and work on all state with rives during 4th, or maybe I have an errand to run. Either way it's very nice to have an extra hour and a half to work with in my day!
-All-state was a sore subject a few weeks ago when i felt all this pressure to be awesome at it. And I'm not saying that pressure is gone, but I'm at least not feeling it as strongly. I feel pretty confident in my ability and even with sight reading. I think I'll do just fine. My first audition is this Saturday so wish me luck. I'm really shooting for 1st chair this year. That would be amazing. But if I lose it, I would like my friend Emily at dhs to get it. She is the only person I would be ok in coming in second behind. But I'm not getting my hopes to high. I just think i can do it, and so I'm shooting for the moon.
So there you have it, happy thoughts. I figured that they were due a turn after all the negative stuff you have read the past week or two. It's so easy to focus on the bad and totally block out all the positive things going on in life. I really struggle with that. But I hope you enjoyed.
-Although the boys in my show choir suck.....(really)....my director gave us 5 girls a piece of our own to do. It's a five part (every girl has their own part) version of Killing Me Softly. I'm really enjoying it! Finally a really fun and also challenging song, that I'm sure will turn out very nicely at the concert.
-Chambers. Choir is choir, but every year rives (dir) gets nicer and easier to be around, so that's a plus.
-Ap gov sucks as a course and topic to study, but I love the people at my table. That is one of the most entertaining 1 1/2 hours of my week.
-Crossword puzzles are the new fad in my inner circle in ap gov. Its a pass time we all enjoy while ignoring whats being taught. : )
-Ap Euro Hist. Mr teach rocks, and I love the subject matter. I'm actually treating this as a college level course and I'm reading the chapter at home like he "suggested" we do. I love the people in my class and it's a really fun course. Ap Euro Hist, definitely this years favorite class.
-I know, I'm a slacker. I took regular eng 4. lol But it's ok, cause I'm one of the smartest people in there so that's a plus for me and not a lot is required of me. Which is most definitely a plus right now.
-Well since I'm domestically challenged I decided to take a cooking class this year. We haven't started to do much at all, but next class we get to make biscuits. But whether I get to make food and eat it, or I just have an extra hour at school to read a book, I'm glad for the simplicity and relaxed mood in there.
-Dismiss. Dismiss. Dismiss. It's the greatest thing to happened to me since Jesus! (however still not nearly as good as Jesus, Duh) Most days I fill this extra time with two episodes of charmed. lol I know, it's a horrible way to spend my spare time and I should be doing things that are productive or at least different things every day and not become addicted to a tv show. But, I just love it so much. However other days I will miss my show and stay at school and work on all state with rives during 4th, or maybe I have an errand to run. Either way it's very nice to have an extra hour and a half to work with in my day!
-All-state was a sore subject a few weeks ago when i felt all this pressure to be awesome at it. And I'm not saying that pressure is gone, but I'm at least not feeling it as strongly. I feel pretty confident in my ability and even with sight reading. I think I'll do just fine. My first audition is this Saturday so wish me luck. I'm really shooting for 1st chair this year. That would be amazing. But if I lose it, I would like my friend Emily at dhs to get it. She is the only person I would be ok in coming in second behind. But I'm not getting my hopes to high. I just think i can do it, and so I'm shooting for the moon.
So there you have it, happy thoughts. I figured that they were due a turn after all the negative stuff you have read the past week or two. It's so easy to focus on the bad and totally block out all the positive things going on in life. I really struggle with that. But I hope you enjoyed.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
random things
Here I have a list of things that are going on in my life. Maybe you have a clue what I'm talking about, maybe you don't.
-The bug is in the shop : ( It died on me on Friday and i was stranded at school (sorta)
-I hate "vacation time"
-Dad didn't get to go to the lake, so instead he bought a new flat screen tv for his bedroom
-I found a gorgeous dress that looks great on me, but it costs a 100 dollars. So tomorrow shes gonna go look at it and tell me whats wrong with it.
-Last week I was on overload
-I cry about everything, I wish people would stop analyzing me for it
-I don't like being out of my element already and it just started
-I needed that growing up moment, thank you for handling it better then I could have
-I wanna shoot the two boys in my show choir in the face!!
-RHS football has lost its legacy completely! Whoo senior year
-I get to go see Lion King at fair park next Thursday!
-Four years of homecomings, no mum. Its a ridiculous tradition, but I care anyway. I didn't go to the dance. I wonder if I'll regret it.
-Maybe she'll finally realize that I'm not her
-So much for not being negative
-That night scared me, and I'm not looking forward to doing again this week. I felt intimidated, inferior, fake, and trapped.
-I don't trust you yet, it's going to be really hard to get to the point when I do, and I feel bad,
cause it's not your fault.
-I'm not sure why, but Ive not been a happy person for a while
-I would have felt really fake and hypocritical if I would have cried. I am really glad your ok though. I wish that I could want to be better friends with you.
-The bug is in the shop : ( It died on me on Friday and i was stranded at school (sorta)
-I hate "vacation time"
-Dad didn't get to go to the lake, so instead he bought a new flat screen tv for his bedroom
-I found a gorgeous dress that looks great on me, but it costs a 100 dollars. So tomorrow shes gonna go look at it and tell me whats wrong with it.
-Last week I was on overload
-I cry about everything, I wish people would stop analyzing me for it
-I don't like being out of my element already and it just started
-I needed that growing up moment, thank you for handling it better then I could have
-I wanna shoot the two boys in my show choir in the face!!
-RHS football has lost its legacy completely! Whoo senior year
-I get to go see Lion King at fair park next Thursday!
-Four years of homecomings, no mum. Its a ridiculous tradition, but I care anyway. I didn't go to the dance. I wonder if I'll regret it.
-Maybe she'll finally realize that I'm not her
-So much for not being negative
-That night scared me, and I'm not looking forward to doing again this week. I felt intimidated, inferior, fake, and trapped.
-I don't trust you yet, it's going to be really hard to get to the point when I do, and I feel bad,
cause it's not your fault.
-I'm not sure why, but Ive not been a happy person for a while
-I would have felt really fake and hypocritical if I would have cried. I am really glad your ok though. I wish that I could want to be better friends with you.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
The Last 1st Monday of High School
yes...I am that girl...Today is indeed the very last, first Monday of my high school experience. (note that RHS did not start school on the same day as the rest of the world..)
Today, was a good day. Besides the rain of course, it was an A day (block schedule) and my "super strenuous" schedule called for 2 periods of choir, then government. (which sounds hard, but no) At 2:11 I left school with my dear friend Charlotte and enjoyed a very tasty meal at chilis, then returned to school at 4 for our weekly women's choir rehearsal. (note the fourth hour I spent singing during school today lol) Now for most people 4 hours of choral rehearsals and being surrounded by the same people all day long would be torturous, but I enjoy it very much.
To add to my choir packed day of fun, today was our choir officer team building retreat. So after rehearsal we got on the bus and headed for Carrolton to a place called Group Dynamix (GDX). It's actually a really neat place inside this warehouse. About 26 of us choir dedicated officers, got to play several leadership and team building games and then spent about an hour hanging from the roof doing several different (VERY DIFFICULT) ropes courses. (including a zip line, which is of course a crowd favorite) I had a ton of fun! Being my second trip to GDX I wasn't really worried about the height or falling. (in fact I kinda like just hanging by the rope and swinging around lol ) But this trip really worked on getting over the "I can't do it" phase. One obstacle especially, a series of tires (it's much harder then it sounds i swear!) had me completely frustrated. But using EVERY amount of upper arm strength I could muster I finally got through it. It was by far the toughest of all the obstacles, but with a little more then average will power, I did it.
A great day indeed. And it only adds to the pretty darn good being of my senior year. Granted lately on my blogs I have seemed a bit negative, but that is just me ranting. I really have had an overall good few weeks. And so far senior year is shaping up to be a good one to end on. I only hope it stays that way. But great things are happening both at school and at church, so I'm definitely hopeful.
(note: today was a day for parenthesis and side notes)
Today, was a good day. Besides the rain of course, it was an A day (block schedule) and my "super strenuous" schedule called for 2 periods of choir, then government. (which sounds hard, but no) At 2:11 I left school with my dear friend Charlotte and enjoyed a very tasty meal at chilis, then returned to school at 4 for our weekly women's choir rehearsal. (note the fourth hour I spent singing during school today lol) Now for most people 4 hours of choral rehearsals and being surrounded by the same people all day long would be torturous, but I enjoy it very much.
To add to my choir packed day of fun, today was our choir officer team building retreat. So after rehearsal we got on the bus and headed for Carrolton to a place called Group Dynamix (GDX). It's actually a really neat place inside this warehouse. About 26 of us choir dedicated officers, got to play several leadership and team building games and then spent about an hour hanging from the roof doing several different (VERY DIFFICULT) ropes courses. (including a zip line, which is of course a crowd favorite) I had a ton of fun! Being my second trip to GDX I wasn't really worried about the height or falling. (in fact I kinda like just hanging by the rope and swinging around lol ) But this trip really worked on getting over the "I can't do it" phase. One obstacle especially, a series of tires (it's much harder then it sounds i swear!) had me completely frustrated. But using EVERY amount of upper arm strength I could muster I finally got through it. It was by far the toughest of all the obstacles, but with a little more then average will power, I did it.
A great day indeed. And it only adds to the pretty darn good being of my senior year. Granted lately on my blogs I have seemed a bit negative, but that is just me ranting. I really have had an overall good few weeks. And so far senior year is shaping up to be a good one to end on. I only hope it stays that way. But great things are happening both at school and at church, so I'm definitely hopeful.
(note: today was a day for parenthesis and side notes)
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Today I think
Today I think....
....that I am truly great at one thing, procrastination
....that I want to do things but chose not to
....that life would be complete if charmed played on the weekends too
....I'm starting to lose my Jesus high from camp this summer
....I have no will power or self control
....that I need to become comfortable with who am, physically, mentally, and spiritually
....CBC coffee is super gross,lol at least to my newly acquired taste buds
....that I secretly enjoy when my bro and his friends come over at 3 in the morning on the weekends and wake me up
....that discovering who I am as a person is an incredibly difficult thing to do
....that I get alot of joy when people comment on blogs, myspace, facebook...it just gives me something to do for a minute or so
....I give my school motivation a good 3 weeks till senioritis kicks in to full force
....that social coffee with Kelsey needs to happen
....I am in a funk with my family and that everything they do annoys me
....the guest speaker at church tonight said alot of things that I needed to hear, but I'm not sure if I will respond to them like I know I should
....Satan comes in the form of delicious food
....I really love it when I go to quizznos(sp?) with my friends
....that my life has become stagnant
....I love sulking in misery with bff and eating a pint of cookies and cream ice cream
....I'm super glad I'm over my coughing sickness
....I hate the future
....my room is a pale green flowery prison that doesn't reflect my personality in the slightest bit and at times feels like it suffocates me
....that I miss my friend Taylor more then Ive ever missed anyone before and that I totally took him for granted when i had him
....that I have a very bad habit of dooming things before they have a chance to begin
....that I am truly great at one thing, procrastination
....that I want to do things but chose not to
....that life would be complete if charmed played on the weekends too
....I'm starting to lose my Jesus high from camp this summer
....I have no will power or self control
....that I need to become comfortable with who am, physically, mentally, and spiritually
....CBC coffee is super gross,lol at least to my newly acquired taste buds
....that I secretly enjoy when my bro and his friends come over at 3 in the morning on the weekends and wake me up
....that discovering who I am as a person is an incredibly difficult thing to do
....that I get alot of joy when people comment on blogs, myspace, facebook...it just gives me something to do for a minute or so
....I give my school motivation a good 3 weeks till senioritis kicks in to full force
....that social coffee with Kelsey needs to happen
....I am in a funk with my family and that everything they do annoys me
....the guest speaker at church tonight said alot of things that I needed to hear, but I'm not sure if I will respond to them like I know I should
....Satan comes in the form of delicious food
....I really love it when I go to quizznos(sp?) with my friends
....that my life has become stagnant
....I love sulking in misery with bff and eating a pint of cookies and cream ice cream
....I'm super glad I'm over my coughing sickness
....I hate the future
....my room is a pale green flowery prison that doesn't reflect my personality in the slightest bit and at times feels like it suffocates me
....that I miss my friend Taylor more then Ive ever missed anyone before and that I totally took him for granted when i had him
....that I have a very bad habit of dooming things before they have a chance to begin
Saturday, September 8, 2007
Media Rules
It's quite scary to think about how much the media can influence a person. The media is meant to entertain, inform, even to persuade, but I find that it also has the power to control minds. Of course it only has as much power as a person gives willingly, but with that power our generation has been molded into exactly what "they" want.
So many things that we as teenagers do, say, think, wear, etc come straight from what we see and hear from the media. Fashion, and it's importance to be apart of the "in" crowd. Immorality, and sex appeal. The use a drugs and consumption of alcohol. The media not only encourages these things, but they condemn those who don't by labeling these individual thinkers as "nerds", "prude", "ugly". My generation, more then any other is plagued by our upbringing in the media's world. From birth we have been raised to obey popularity and trend.
Aside from the media's control over what we buy, wear, and how we socialize, it also has control over how we think and feel. It's a subtle type of mind control that is rarely noticed. Ever watch a tv show, or movie about a dancer, singer, athlete, etc and then as soon as it's over you want to go try your hand at it? I know I have. I've experienced urges to be a cheerleader after movies like Bring It On, and to dance after the final scene of Center Stage. Sure things like this seem like fun little quirks, but what about when the things we see on tv and hear in music effect the way we feel. How when your really angry you pop in your favorite screamo cd, or when your sad sappy country music just seems to fit. The type of music we turn to no longer remedies our emotions, it only fuels the fire.
Tonight I went to see a great little film called Becoming Jane. It tells the story of the great English writer Jane Austen. It's a love story of course, a sappy chick flick, and yet I'm left with feelings of sadness, and loneliness, and it's not because I really felt bad for the character. Watching her life only makes me think about mine. (I'm a selfish person, oh well) Her love story brings sadness to mind when I think about my love story and how empty it is. I know it's childish and stupid to care about such things or to let a silly movie effect my emotions so much as to make my whole night a downer, but *sigh* that's what happened.
How can I allow movies, tv, music, news, the media in general effect me so deeply. To change my emotions on a whim? I've surrendered all individual thought over and I'm left with what they give me. It's sad really. I would like to think that my knowledge of the powers of media would help me to protect myself against it. But that did me no good tonight. I hope I'll be stronger in the future, but things aren't looking up.
So many things that we as teenagers do, say, think, wear, etc come straight from what we see and hear from the media. Fashion, and it's importance to be apart of the "in" crowd. Immorality, and sex appeal. The use a drugs and consumption of alcohol. The media not only encourages these things, but they condemn those who don't by labeling these individual thinkers as "nerds", "prude", "ugly". My generation, more then any other is plagued by our upbringing in the media's world. From birth we have been raised to obey popularity and trend.
Aside from the media's control over what we buy, wear, and how we socialize, it also has control over how we think and feel. It's a subtle type of mind control that is rarely noticed. Ever watch a tv show, or movie about a dancer, singer, athlete, etc and then as soon as it's over you want to go try your hand at it? I know I have. I've experienced urges to be a cheerleader after movies like Bring It On, and to dance after the final scene of Center Stage. Sure things like this seem like fun little quirks, but what about when the things we see on tv and hear in music effect the way we feel. How when your really angry you pop in your favorite screamo cd, or when your sad sappy country music just seems to fit. The type of music we turn to no longer remedies our emotions, it only fuels the fire.
Tonight I went to see a great little film called Becoming Jane. It tells the story of the great English writer Jane Austen. It's a love story of course, a sappy chick flick, and yet I'm left with feelings of sadness, and loneliness, and it's not because I really felt bad for the character. Watching her life only makes me think about mine. (I'm a selfish person, oh well) Her love story brings sadness to mind when I think about my love story and how empty it is. I know it's childish and stupid to care about such things or to let a silly movie effect my emotions so much as to make my whole night a downer, but *sigh* that's what happened.
How can I allow movies, tv, music, news, the media in general effect me so deeply. To change my emotions on a whim? I've surrendered all individual thought over and I'm left with what they give me. It's sad really. I would like to think that my knowledge of the powers of media would help me to protect myself against it. But that did me no good tonight. I hope I'll be stronger in the future, but things aren't looking up.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
Coffee
I have never been a coffee drinker. In fact for most of my life I declined any offers and politely said, " No thanks, I don't like the taste." Well, I have finally gotten over it and broken down to conformity with America. A few days ago I decided that coffee is such a social drink that it would do me well to get to the point of enjoying a cup here and there. I think I have found a way of making my coffee so that I don't cringe with every taste. In fact I'm starting to enjoy it. But I made it a point to NOT become addicted to it. I did not want to not be able to start my day without 8 cups before I leave the house and 1 cup for the road. Well, that's all changing now that I find myself in the 2nd week of school with massive amounts of reading for all of classes! I don't get home each day from my routine activities till late at night and then I have to face the many text books and required reading for the next days classes. So I read. And read. And then I wake up in the morning to find that I fell asleep and don't remember what I read. It's a totally useless cycle. So coffee. I know it's not the best choice, but I'm quickly getting over that. So tonight, it's a coffee night and I'm going to attack those books! Wish me luck! I'm just going to keep these coffee nights to a minimum.
Monday, September 3, 2007
An Old Saying
An old saying..."If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all".
Well, I have nothing nice to say, so I wont say anything at all.
Well, I have nothing nice to say, so I wont say anything at all.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
stuff
i dont feel like grammar today. so be happy with periods.
stuff has been bugging me latly. my mom is driving me crazy and im not sure why. im just a little hostile after talking with her. also im starting to pick up a little road rage. stupid drivers really upset me. and it doesnt help that im listening to some what of angry music...thanks kels.
on another note school had stared and im a tad worried about my reading schedule. i have to quickly finish the last 250 pages of this present darkness by peretti which ive been reading on my own. soon i will have to start the prince by machiavelli for ap euro hist. and then soon ill have to start both beowulf and another outside reading for eng. im thinking of reading the poison wood bible for that but im not decided yet.
stuff has been bugging me latly. my mom is driving me crazy and im not sure why. im just a little hostile after talking with her. also im starting to pick up a little road rage. stupid drivers really upset me. and it doesnt help that im listening to some what of angry music...thanks kels.
on another note school had stared and im a tad worried about my reading schedule. i have to quickly finish the last 250 pages of this present darkness by peretti which ive been reading on my own. soon i will have to start the prince by machiavelli for ap euro hist. and then soon ill have to start both beowulf and another outside reading for eng. im thinking of reading the poison wood bible for that but im not decided yet.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Transparency
I am a to myself kind of person. I love to listen and know every thing about your life, but don't want to share my own. It has to do with being vulnerable. I hate that feeling. To not be in control and to know that others can see right through you. But that's an interesting concept. People looking right through you. To be transparent. It's truly a scary thought. I personally don't have many if any real secrets to hide, but I don't like people knowing how I feel or what I'm thinking. I feel vulnerable to judgement and to pain.
Tonight during our meeting with the Wednesday bible study leaders. Mrs. G mentioned transparency. That's what got me thinking. It was a very subtle comment but I honed in on it in fear. I'm afraid of what might come out if I am truly transparent. My insecurities, or weaknesses with Christ might show! I don't know if I could handle it.
I think this is what keeps our small group from really getting to know each other. Over the past 3 years we have been together almost every Wednesday night and have shared personal stories and feelings but have we really ever been transparent? I don't believe we have even come close. We are afraid to be real with each other for whatever reason. We have had our moments of truth, but they were soon torn away by the fakeness.
I want to be unified and really know these girls and love them and be loved. But it will take complete transparency. I have a feeling that if it's gonna happen, this will be that year. But I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. And to admit this, is as transparent as it gets for now.
Tonight during our meeting with the Wednesday bible study leaders. Mrs. G mentioned transparency. That's what got me thinking. It was a very subtle comment but I honed in on it in fear. I'm afraid of what might come out if I am truly transparent. My insecurities, or weaknesses with Christ might show! I don't know if I could handle it.
I think this is what keeps our small group from really getting to know each other. Over the past 3 years we have been together almost every Wednesday night and have shared personal stories and feelings but have we really ever been transparent? I don't believe we have even come close. We are afraid to be real with each other for whatever reason. We have had our moments of truth, but they were soon torn away by the fakeness.
I want to be unified and really know these girls and love them and be loved. But it will take complete transparency. I have a feeling that if it's gonna happen, this will be that year. But I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. And to admit this, is as transparent as it gets for now.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
first day of school
My first day of school as a senior was highly uneventful. I had show choir, then chamber choir, then ap government. Show choir was fun cause its only 7 of us and we spent most of our time assembling the new $20,000 risers we got! Then in chambers we talked about school policy and all the typical first day stuff. But then we sang a little bit and i was surprised how well we did. Most of our choir graduated last year and now we only have one senior boy. Most of the boys are sophomores and I don't really like many of the junior girls. But i was pleased with the turnout. Maybe we wont suck so bad this year! : ) Finally I went to my ap gov class with my friend Katie. Our teacher is a really young cheerleader who used to teach asl. So she is really hyper and bouncy and has a hand motion for EVERYTHING!!! But aside from that it sounds like the class will be good and i like the people that i sit around. Then I got to experience the joys of senior out!! I left school at 2:11pm. Went out the subway for lunch and went home and relaxed. I have senior out everyday this entire year and I'm SUPER excited about it!
Tonight we had the parent meeting for Tues night discipleship. I'm a little worried about the number of kids and the split for Tues and wed but I'm trusting that it'll work out. But I did very much like the 6th graders i met today and i loved their parents! They seem so encouraging and they really want their kids to be there and to grow. They were very easy to talk to and i had a really good time. I think this year is going to be awesome. God's got good plans in store.
Tonight we had the parent meeting for Tues night discipleship. I'm a little worried about the number of kids and the split for Tues and wed but I'm trusting that it'll work out. But I did very much like the 6th graders i met today and i loved their parents! They seem so encouraging and they really want their kids to be there and to grow. They were very easy to talk to and i had a really good time. I think this year is going to be awesome. God's got good plans in store.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Who Am I?
It has come to my attention that you don't know who I am. That could in part be because I don't know either. I do know however, that I live to different lives, and even though it's frowned upon I am a different person depending on who I around. I have a life in flo mo, and a life in denton. To very different lives that I can control how and when one mingles with the other....or if it EVER does.
Flo mo:
My flo mo life consist of my church friends. I think that I am more myself in this life. Or at least I am more of who I want myself to be. I'm more outgoing and loud. I have more fun in this life too. I'm involved and I have tons of friends; boy, girl, young, old. I'm a leader here. I talk more freely and I talk much more often. I am always up for hanging out more often and longer no matter where and when. And I never mind the 20 minute drive.
Denton:
This life consist of my family and school friends. In this life I am shy and don't talk a whole lot. I spend alot of time alone even if my friends are out doing something. I don't like the 10 minute drive to get to where most of my friends live. I'm involved in things mainly so that I will have friends. It's hard for me to meet new people because I'm so shy. I generally don't speak my mind because I know it's not what anyone wants to hear. I don't like to be at home much ( don't get me wrong I love my family). I only have a few friends and really only one that i like to spend time with. But when I'm with that one friend, bff, I am more like myself in my flo mo life.
I am not your typical two sided person who acts one way in church and another in school. I am every way the same in both places spiritually and morally. Its more just that my personality changes. I think that it's because I am much more comfortable with those of you in flo mo. I don't feel judged and I don't have to be cool. But I think that living these two very different lives has made it quite difficult to figure out who I am as a person. Because truly I am parts of both of these lives. And I am not other parts at all. And sometimes I'm both. I sort of know who I want to be, but I definitely don't know who I am now.
So to clear things up a bit...these are some true things about me...what ever that means.
-I don't talk alot and when I do it's only because I'm comfortable with you
-I am shy. It takes alot of determination for me to meet new people.
-I cry alot. I love crying and I will cry at almost anything. I don't like crying in front of people but only because they make judgements on me.
-I love to people watch....and yes I do judge you. I know it's wrong.
-I care about my friends...but I want to be cared for in return....this is my biggest issue with the people of my denton life.
-In flo mo I pretend to be in control, I think I do it because you like me more this way.
-Also in flo mo, I act like I'm a big deal...when really I don't think much of myself but again, you like me more this way.
(I say that you like me more this way because you didn't have a clue who I was or cared when I acted otherwise for 15 years.)
-I like to listen more then talking
-I detach myself from people if I know they are leaving so that I wont hurt. But I really do miss you.
-I think alot
-Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean some thing is wrong. Most of the time if some thing is wrong, I will talk more so that you wont notice.
-If you ask me whats wrong and I say nothing...and you ask again I'll never tell you. If you let me know that you know some thing is wrong but understand that I might not want to talk about it...I'll probably tell you
-I don't ask how you are for mere conversation....I really want to know. Most people just wont really tell me.
-I don't like being the center of attention at all. I feel really uncomfortable.
-I am horrible at small talk. I love deep conversation.
-I am very non-confrontational
-I am a pleaser
-I'm not aggressive and I don't approach people.
-I just want to feel like i belong some where.
-I love it when people notice if I'm gone
-I am very critical about myself.
-I don't know what I want from life.
-I hate awkward situations
-I'm not very opinionated
-I HATE making decisions
-I am not a feminist. I believe the man is the leader, and I like it better that way.
-I like to be friends with people younger than me because I feel less judged.
-I want a boyfriend really bad, but I'm to picky to actually have one.
-I spend alot of money but I'm really cheap.
-I'm an introvert
-It makes me abnormally happy when people tell me they like something I did.
-I have a secret box of secretly special stuff
-I compare myself to Gretchen Wieners when I say that its better to be hating life with friends then to not have friends at all.
-I ate lunch alone for the last 3 months of school sophomore year. I hated every minute of it but I had to be away from the person who I called my best friend that whole year.
Flo mo:
My flo mo life consist of my church friends. I think that I am more myself in this life. Or at least I am more of who I want myself to be. I'm more outgoing and loud. I have more fun in this life too. I'm involved and I have tons of friends; boy, girl, young, old. I'm a leader here. I talk more freely and I talk much more often. I am always up for hanging out more often and longer no matter where and when. And I never mind the 20 minute drive.
Denton:
This life consist of my family and school friends. In this life I am shy and don't talk a whole lot. I spend alot of time alone even if my friends are out doing something. I don't like the 10 minute drive to get to where most of my friends live. I'm involved in things mainly so that I will have friends. It's hard for me to meet new people because I'm so shy. I generally don't speak my mind because I know it's not what anyone wants to hear. I don't like to be at home much ( don't get me wrong I love my family). I only have a few friends and really only one that i like to spend time with. But when I'm with that one friend, bff, I am more like myself in my flo mo life.
I am not your typical two sided person who acts one way in church and another in school. I am every way the same in both places spiritually and morally. Its more just that my personality changes. I think that it's because I am much more comfortable with those of you in flo mo. I don't feel judged and I don't have to be cool. But I think that living these two very different lives has made it quite difficult to figure out who I am as a person. Because truly I am parts of both of these lives. And I am not other parts at all. And sometimes I'm both. I sort of know who I want to be, but I definitely don't know who I am now.
So to clear things up a bit...these are some true things about me...what ever that means.
-I don't talk alot and when I do it's only because I'm comfortable with you
-I am shy. It takes alot of determination for me to meet new people.
-I cry alot. I love crying and I will cry at almost anything. I don't like crying in front of people but only because they make judgements on me.
-I love to people watch....and yes I do judge you. I know it's wrong.
-I care about my friends...but I want to be cared for in return....this is my biggest issue with the people of my denton life.
-In flo mo I pretend to be in control, I think I do it because you like me more this way.
-Also in flo mo, I act like I'm a big deal...when really I don't think much of myself but again, you like me more this way.
(I say that you like me more this way because you didn't have a clue who I was or cared when I acted otherwise for 15 years.)
-I like to listen more then talking
-I detach myself from people if I know they are leaving so that I wont hurt. But I really do miss you.
-I think alot
-Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean some thing is wrong. Most of the time if some thing is wrong, I will talk more so that you wont notice.
-If you ask me whats wrong and I say nothing...and you ask again I'll never tell you. If you let me know that you know some thing is wrong but understand that I might not want to talk about it...I'll probably tell you
-I don't ask how you are for mere conversation....I really want to know. Most people just wont really tell me.
-I don't like being the center of attention at all. I feel really uncomfortable.
-I am horrible at small talk. I love deep conversation.
-I am very non-confrontational
-I am a pleaser
-I'm not aggressive and I don't approach people.
-I just want to feel like i belong some where.
-I love it when people notice if I'm gone
-I am very critical about myself.
-I don't know what I want from life.
-I hate awkward situations
-I'm not very opinionated
-I HATE making decisions
-I am not a feminist. I believe the man is the leader, and I like it better that way.
-I like to be friends with people younger than me because I feel less judged.
-I want a boyfriend really bad, but I'm to picky to actually have one.
-I spend alot of money but I'm really cheap.
-I'm an introvert
-It makes me abnormally happy when people tell me they like something I did.
-I have a secret box of secretly special stuff
-I compare myself to Gretchen Wieners when I say that its better to be hating life with friends then to not have friends at all.
-I ate lunch alone for the last 3 months of school sophomore year. I hated every minute of it but I had to be away from the person who I called my best friend that whole year.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
College Stress
Every where I go some one asks me what I'm going to do in college. where am I going to go? What do I want to be? I am sick and tired of not being able to answer any of those questions!!! I know where I'm going to go; UNT, but the question of majors is one that plagues me. I have no idea what I like or what I don't. The only thing that I know I should do, music, I know that I don't want to do. I don't even know if I see myself working in the future. All I have a passion for is travel. But traveling takes money. And I have to have a job to have money. It's a problem. And it's all I think about. Not to mention the added stress I get from the parents. ugh!
Friday, August 24, 2007
Attention Please, Summer has been cancelled....on account of rain.
Last May when school let out my mind was flowing with plans for the summer ahead. I was going on several trips and I had plenty of time put away for sleeping, reading, and decompressing. Most of this I had planned to happen in my favorite spot; the lake house. I love coming up to this house so much. Getting away from my everyday peers, problems, stresses, and life, is the greatest thing.
Rain. Rain. Rain. More Rain. Not that rain itself is a bad thing, in fact I realize how much needed alot of it was. It's the damage the amount of rain had on my lake house that really upset me. As the water poured over the Texoma Spillway for the first time since 1989, all my hopes for a sun kissed tan, relaxing boat outings and beaches slipped from my reach. Until today I haven't seen this lake since the weekend before July 4th. As the water continued to rise all the walkways to my slip twisted and became unusable, also we had no electricity and no water. Then the roads were under water and no one was allowed access to the state park at all for over a month.
My perfect summer was gone. Granted I did find other places to go and things to do, and people to hang out with, but all had a bittersweet taste. All summer I had fun, but it was not where I really wanted to be. Today I got a small but satisfying taste of my summer. A perfect day with calm waters and a great swim. Suddenly as the boat glided across the unused water all my bitterness fell away. Because I was forced to change my summer plans and delete the lake from them entirely, I had a much greater appreciation for what I have here. For the first time I didn't see it as this place I go to because I can. I saw it as a privilege. I was lucky to enjoy my final weekend of summer in this house.
I also noticed how much time I have missed out on spending with my family this summer. I am so busy that I get into a habit where the only time I really spend with them is when I'm at the lake. So it is really nice to get this last couple of days to just chill out with folks.
God is good. He has a plan. That's the lesson I learned today.
Rain. Rain. Rain. More Rain. Not that rain itself is a bad thing, in fact I realize how much needed alot of it was. It's the damage the amount of rain had on my lake house that really upset me. As the water poured over the Texoma Spillway for the first time since 1989, all my hopes for a sun kissed tan, relaxing boat outings and beaches slipped from my reach. Until today I haven't seen this lake since the weekend before July 4th. As the water continued to rise all the walkways to my slip twisted and became unusable, also we had no electricity and no water. Then the roads were under water and no one was allowed access to the state park at all for over a month.
My perfect summer was gone. Granted I did find other places to go and things to do, and people to hang out with, but all had a bittersweet taste. All summer I had fun, but it was not where I really wanted to be. Today I got a small but satisfying taste of my summer. A perfect day with calm waters and a great swim. Suddenly as the boat glided across the unused water all my bitterness fell away. Because I was forced to change my summer plans and delete the lake from them entirely, I had a much greater appreciation for what I have here. For the first time I didn't see it as this place I go to because I can. I saw it as a privilege. I was lucky to enjoy my final weekend of summer in this house.
I also noticed how much time I have missed out on spending with my family this summer. I am so busy that I get into a habit where the only time I really spend with them is when I'm at the lake. So it is really nice to get this last couple of days to just chill out with folks.
God is good. He has a plan. That's the lesson I learned today.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thanks Brent
I know this crazy guy with long blonde hippie hair and a passion for teens, and for some reason I've found that over the years I have come to value his opinion more and more. Recently I read a blog of his showcasing statistics about how little the average adult reads. This information didn't surprise me in the least. But it did make me start to think. I love to read. But like most of America my excuse for not doing so is lack of time. But truly there is no lack of time. Its really a lack of time management. I started to analyze how I spend my spare time. Ive found that I don't do much of anything productive. I am so busy all the time running from place to place that when I have spare time I usually sit in front of the tv or computer and decompress. It's to stressful to read because I would have to think about more stuff. But isn't this a shame. Reading has become more of a chore to me. But when I do sit down and read I tend to relax more then when I'm just vegging in my lazy-boy staring into the tv.
Brent asked his readers to poll how many books they have read this year. What kinds of books do they read, and what was their favorite. Well I started to comment and to my dismay had a hard time thinking of any books that I did read. I've read two in the last month but before that I hadn't read much at all. One or two books for English, and I might not have even read the whole thing. So I've decided that I'm not going to become that statistic. I'm starting with the 2 books I've read so far this summer and going forward. Ive started a new one today.
Thanks Brent for giving me a new passion to not allow my mind to veg. And for not being a statistic.
Brent asked his readers to poll how many books they have read this year. What kinds of books do they read, and what was their favorite. Well I started to comment and to my dismay had a hard time thinking of any books that I did read. I've read two in the last month but before that I hadn't read much at all. One or two books for English, and I might not have even read the whole thing. So I've decided that I'm not going to become that statistic. I'm starting with the 2 books I've read so far this summer and going forward. Ive started a new one today.
Thanks Brent for giving me a new passion to not allow my mind to veg. And for not being a statistic.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
To Picky?
This is very poorly written....suck it up.
By the way, try not to psychoanalyze me please.
People always tell me that it's a good thing that I am very picky when it comes to who I date. I know what I want and I try not to settle. But is it possible to be TO PICKY?? If it is then I have definitely met that mark. Every boy I have met so far in my dating career has been almost up to par. But not quite. All of them Mr 9 out of 10's. You would think that a 9 is pretty darn close to perfect...but you would be wrong. To me 9 is just not good enough. Lets analyze the last few boys I've dated/ thought about dating. I'll call them T, C, D, and M. (Just for reference these boys have been spread out over a large period of time)
T:
I actually called myself his gf. T is that perfect boy you see in the movies that does everything right all the time. He is very cute, an 8 or 9 for sure. Very smart. Very funny. He loves Jesus and he liked me. What more can a girl ask for huh? Well, aside from all that, he played to many video games and was to good at them and I thought he was kind of a nerd. That did it. Once I realized this, it was over. I started to like him less and less until we finally broke up.
C:
I wasn't official with C ever but we did go on a date or two. I met C at a Christian camp. (so he loves Jesus too) C is very tall, handsome, funny, easy to talk to, has the same moral standards as I do. REALLY liked me. He is a musician and plays like 8 different instruments. But he lived to far away and I really didn't like the earring he has.
D:
I've known D since I was 8. He is my brothers best friend. He's older, mature, very very cute. Really funny, has a job, so sweet. But he doesn't love Jesus, and he drinks.
M:
M is my current prospect...Ive been friends with him for over a year, and I love him to death. (friendly love of course) Loves Jesus, very good looking, so much fun to hang out with. Extremely talented singer. We have a lot in common. But he's just barely shorter than me and I hate his mother.
I might not have gotten my point across very well but what I'm trying to explain is that everything could be right with this person, but one tiny minuet detail and that one thing will turn me off completely!!! I will start to like this person a lot and then very quickly find that small problem. I dated T for almost 2 months....technically I went on 1 date with C, but I talked to him all the time on the phone, but the idea of him only lasted about 3 weeks.....I entertained thoughts of dating D for about a month until he actually asked and after 4 or so hours I had decided against it. And finally M and I have on and off flirted for the whole past year but now that I know he likes me and I could actually have that relationship, 3 days later, I'm not sure if I want it.
I'm screwed up! Something must be clinically wrong with me. I'm TO PICKY!!!! I want to be ready for a relationship! I pray about it all the time. But when I sit down and really think about it and things like this, I realize that I'm most definitely not ready at all for one! And it sucks! I hate it!
I think I'll leave you now and go throw a pity party for myself in my room.
By the way, try not to psychoanalyze me please.
People always tell me that it's a good thing that I am very picky when it comes to who I date. I know what I want and I try not to settle. But is it possible to be TO PICKY?? If it is then I have definitely met that mark. Every boy I have met so far in my dating career has been almost up to par. But not quite. All of them Mr 9 out of 10's. You would think that a 9 is pretty darn close to perfect...but you would be wrong. To me 9 is just not good enough. Lets analyze the last few boys I've dated/ thought about dating. I'll call them T, C, D, and M. (Just for reference these boys have been spread out over a large period of time)
T:
I actually called myself his gf. T is that perfect boy you see in the movies that does everything right all the time. He is very cute, an 8 or 9 for sure. Very smart. Very funny. He loves Jesus and he liked me. What more can a girl ask for huh? Well, aside from all that, he played to many video games and was to good at them and I thought he was kind of a nerd. That did it. Once I realized this, it was over. I started to like him less and less until we finally broke up.
C:
I wasn't official with C ever but we did go on a date or two. I met C at a Christian camp. (so he loves Jesus too) C is very tall, handsome, funny, easy to talk to, has the same moral standards as I do. REALLY liked me. He is a musician and plays like 8 different instruments. But he lived to far away and I really didn't like the earring he has.
D:
I've known D since I was 8. He is my brothers best friend. He's older, mature, very very cute. Really funny, has a job, so sweet. But he doesn't love Jesus, and he drinks.
M:
M is my current prospect...Ive been friends with him for over a year, and I love him to death. (friendly love of course) Loves Jesus, very good looking, so much fun to hang out with. Extremely talented singer. We have a lot in common. But he's just barely shorter than me and I hate his mother.
I might not have gotten my point across very well but what I'm trying to explain is that everything could be right with this person, but one tiny minuet detail and that one thing will turn me off completely!!! I will start to like this person a lot and then very quickly find that small problem. I dated T for almost 2 months....technically I went on 1 date with C, but I talked to him all the time on the phone, but the idea of him only lasted about 3 weeks.....I entertained thoughts of dating D for about a month until he actually asked and after 4 or so hours I had decided against it. And finally M and I have on and off flirted for the whole past year but now that I know he likes me and I could actually have that relationship, 3 days later, I'm not sure if I want it.
I'm screwed up! Something must be clinically wrong with me. I'm TO PICKY!!!! I want to be ready for a relationship! I pray about it all the time. But when I sit down and really think about it and things like this, I realize that I'm most definitely not ready at all for one! And it sucks! I hate it!
I think I'll leave you now and go throw a pity party for myself in my room.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
When Passion Becomes Obligation
I enjoy singing a lot. I love to learn new music as much as I love to perform it! I love to sing alone and in my whole choir. The whole process is just fun for me. Its my way of releasing tension, singing relaxes me. That's why I do stuff like all state and solo and ensemble competitions. I get to cram music, which is one of my favorite things to do. I hate taking 6 weeks to learn a piece. Give me two days and Ill be ready to perform it. And that's how all state camps work. We take 4 days and learn 8 pieces of music and then perform and record the concert. But in choir it will take 6 weeks to learn 3 or 4 pieces....it gets frustrating. Doing all state gives me something more interesting to work on so I don't get bored with our choir music.
Anyway, every year i have auditioned for all state and loved doing it. Learning music, the excitement of the audition, more challenging music, etc. Last year I finally made the All-State Choir. I was 3rd chair women's choir. Which basically means I was 7th in the state for my voice part. Its a really big deal to make all state. Especially as a junior because now I can do it again senior year. And I plan to. Ive been to 2 camps this summer learning the music for this years auditions. And because I was an all stater I got to go to these camps either for free or at a discounted price. That was pretty cool.
I'm not saying all this to brag. I'm saying this because it was a passion. And still is kinda. But this year I'm not doing all state because I want to anymore. I'm doing it because I'm expected to. I made it once, now I have to do it again. And on top of that, I have to do better! So now when I audition its not just nerve racking, its 10 times more pressure. It doesn't even stop here. Besides the pressure to make all state again, I have the pressure to be the best at school too. If I make a mistake or do anything wrong it's even more unacceptable. Why? Because I'm an all stater and I should be better then that.
This might seem like an over the top rant. But I really do get this from people. They expect me to be perfect, and I'm far from it. It just starts to get frustrating and draining when passion turns into obligation.
Anyway, every year i have auditioned for all state and loved doing it. Learning music, the excitement of the audition, more challenging music, etc. Last year I finally made the All-State Choir. I was 3rd chair women's choir. Which basically means I was 7th in the state for my voice part. Its a really big deal to make all state. Especially as a junior because now I can do it again senior year. And I plan to. Ive been to 2 camps this summer learning the music for this years auditions. And because I was an all stater I got to go to these camps either for free or at a discounted price. That was pretty cool.
I'm not saying all this to brag. I'm saying this because it was a passion. And still is kinda. But this year I'm not doing all state because I want to anymore. I'm doing it because I'm expected to. I made it once, now I have to do it again. And on top of that, I have to do better! So now when I audition its not just nerve racking, its 10 times more pressure. It doesn't even stop here. Besides the pressure to make all state again, I have the pressure to be the best at school too. If I make a mistake or do anything wrong it's even more unacceptable. Why? Because I'm an all stater and I should be better then that.
This might seem like an over the top rant. But I really do get this from people. They expect me to be perfect, and I'm far from it. It just starts to get frustrating and draining when passion turns into obligation.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
random things that I'm liking alot right now
Right now I'm really liking
-GOD
-blogging
-bff
-cars
-star gazing
-special star gazing spot
-cbc
-my artistic friend
-not gay Matt (ha)
-jazz music
-time
-losing 8 pounds
-school starting
-being a senior
-not worrying about college
-the prospect of going to winter park, Disney land, and south padre this year
-Cardboard Bethany!
-free movies
-Francine Rivers books
-no summer assignments!!
-time alone
-time with friends
-senior out!!
-my bigger purse
-being liked
-TLC's What Not to Wear
-Bravo's Top Chef
-being domestic
-my idiot brother
-bullets and octane (thx kels)
-genie in a bottle....
-All of the above having stories behind them...and you not knowing what those stories are! ; )
-GOD
-blogging
-bff
-cars
-star gazing
-special star gazing spot
-cbc
-my artistic friend
-not gay Matt (ha)
-jazz music
-time
-losing 8 pounds
-school starting
-being a senior
-not worrying about college
-the prospect of going to winter park, Disney land, and south padre this year
-Cardboard Bethany!
-free movies
-Francine Rivers books
-no summer assignments!!
-time alone
-time with friends
-senior out!!
-my bigger purse
-being liked
-TLC's What Not to Wear
-Bravo's Top Chef
-being domestic
-my idiot brother
-bullets and octane (thx kels)
-genie in a bottle....
-All of the above having stories behind them...and you not knowing what those stories are! ; )
Friday, August 17, 2007
Workin at the CAR WASH
I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to be at a choir car wash at 7:30 in the AM (had to stress the AM part) I would normally be ok with this, except for tomorrow we wont make any money at all. First off I don't know who really ever actually gets their car washed by these things except the parents and maybe a family friend or two. Secondly there is RAIN in the forecast!!!! Who gets their car washed if they know its going to rain? Or might be raining at the moment!! Thirdly, our choir is being gay and only 12 or so of us are going to be there!
This is a disaster! And I'm super happy about waking up at 6 to see it in all it's rainy glory...
This is a disaster! And I'm super happy about waking up at 6 to see it in all it's rainy glory...
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Crappy Art
Lately I've been spending a great amount of time with my dear friend Kelsey. She is a very talented artist and I have been admiring her work a lot and we have been talking about art a lot lately. Or at least much more then I ever talk about art with any of my other friends. Well I enjoy this very much, but it has left me in a very troubling area. I tend to be a person who sees something and then has to try it. Like if I watch a dance movie like center stage, immediately after it's over I feel like dancing. (and I will if nobody is around) ; ) So naturally I have felt like doing something "artistic"....Problem is that I am a horrible artist. In 17 years I have managed to master the stick figure. So I am left with so much artistic energy in me, and no outlet. Quite frustrating really. Well I might have found a way to solve my present dilemma. I always see pieces of art or sculpture type things in parks or town squares, etc. Well frankly, I just don't see most of these to have much artistic value. Granted, I'm not an artistic scholar, but I just haven't seen much talent in most of it. And for a long time it has been one of my life goals to make a piece of really crappy art and have it displayed in a park somewhere. I think my artistic abilities could handle it. :D So maybe one of these days when I'm feeling a need to express myself artistically (in a very non talented way) Ill get started on my crappy art sculpture.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
The Game of Life
When Milton Bradley created this child's board game, I wonder if he realized what he was really doing. The game of LIFE. It takes you on a one way journey from youth to retirement. As it would seem the game hits all the "big events" in life: getting a job, marriage, buying a home, children, etc. He must have been a very smart man to be able to compile an entire life complete with picnics, and car troubles. And just like the human life every time you play you find yourself being a different person and each with different events. Each life different. And yet if you look further into it, each life is remarkably the same. Every life must STOP and be married. Every life must STOP and get a job, buy a house. Eventually every life must STOP and retire. Every life seems to live from pay day to pay day enjoying simple pleasures life brings along the way. Yes, Mr. Bradley created a great children's game that has entertained the masses since 1860, and kudos to him for doing it. But I believe he has done a great injustice to what we call LIFE. However, even though the game is an injustice to what life really is, he has managed to make a fairly realistic summary and put it in a box so that you and I could grow up making light of the events of adulthood.
First off his game enters a life at 18 and has nothing to say about what this person has experienced during those precious and vital years. I myself am approaching this age and it confuses me to think that my whole life so far has meant nothing to this game of life. Has nothing I've gone through; the pain and joys of these years been significant enough to even be mentioned when summing up life as a whole? I can not agree with Milton's choice to disregard the early years. I believe these have been the years that have shaped me and defined what kind of person I am and what kind of LIFE i will live.
Secondly, just as he counts 18 years of existence to not be important enough to recognize, he also throws out all the years the Lord blesses you with past 65. That's interesting to me that close to 50 years of Milton Bradley's life didn't seem to have any real importance. To me this is absurd! These are the years of grand-children and watching your own marry and go through those crazy years of adulthood. These are your wisest years.
Though the game would be more realistic if it had involved these years, I can understand the decision to leave them out. You may think that I'm criticizing his work, but on the contrary, I believe it to be a great piece. Milton Bradley chose to start the game at a time in life when you really start to live. Around that age you finally become your own person and no longer depend upon others to help you. And He so wisely thought to end the game upon a time in life when people start to live not for themselves but for other people. Putting themselves aside in their old age to tend to those younger still lost in the world.
I wondered at first why the game only had one path when so many people lead drastically different lives. Well, I asked the question earlier if Milton Bradley realized what he was really doing when he created this game. I believe that he did, and if I'm wrong, well then he was wise beyond his own understanding. All while creating a child's game he laid out the basics of any and all human lives. There is only one path, not because we all experience the same stuff, but because we all are bound to time. And sooner or later time will take us from youth to old age. That's what's really behind this game of life. Not the stuff in the middle, because that could change at any point. Every time you find yourself playing this game the you will land on a different event, and what happens to you will change. But every time you will always start and stop at the same places. He handed you the events, and left it up to you, the player to chose how to handle it and the emotions you met each new experience with.
This is how I think of God. He gives us all lives, and lays them out with different events and experiences. Things that we can't plan or change. But He leaves it up to us to chose how we handle it. We are all bound to this game of LIFE. But it's not the game that matters, it's what we chose to do with it.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Life Soundtrack
Lately I've been thinking about making a CD that has songs that all describe me in a different way. My life's soundtrack. I just kept thinking about how I wanted to make one, and today I finally started on the project. I quickly realized however, that this was a much bigger project then I thought it would be. There is just so much music in the world. How can I chose 18 or so songs on a whim that define me? I can't. This is going to take a lot of thought. I have a lot of song, and soul searching to do before this is complete. As of now I have come up with a few songs that are on my list of possible soundtrack worthy songs.
Lauren's Soundtrack as of 8/13/07
Lauren's Soundtrack as of 8/13/07
- Average Girl ~Barlow girls
- Voice of truth ~Casting Crowns
- Identity Crisis ~Thrice
- I want you to want me ~Cheap Trick
- Feeling good ~Micheal Buble
- Teenagers ~My Chemical Romance
I think the hardest part about this whole process is differentiating the songs that i just LOVE, and the ones that actually say something about me.
The best and worst of friends
Over the past few months, those of you who know me will recall that I have often said that my friends suck! Well that is a very unfair statement when I take into consideration ALL of my friends, and not just the few that are annoying me at the time. So let me take some time to further explain my friend situation.
I'll start with the reason I originally made that very unfair statement. Some of my friends do suck from time to time. I spend most of my time (or at least use to) with these people. We are in all the same activities and classes at school and so naturally we just started hanging out last year. The first semester was GREAT! I can't even explain how happy I was then to have such a large group of great friends. Then when second semester started things went sour fast. I started to care more and more every time the group would hang out and they would just "forget" to call me. Or as they like to put it, If I didn't call them, they assume that I was busy. Well that's a load of crap and they knew it. This same thing has been going on since and I have finally had it. I mentioned in my before blog that I went star gazing. Well what I didn't mention at that time was all the drama that had surrounded the event. Best friend and I had planned a big trip for the whole group plus some to all go out to our spot together. I was the one who found out that there was a meteor shower and when the best time to go would be. If I hadn't told them about it they would never have known. But instead they decided to go the night before and just not tell best friend and I. Well of course we found out. And I was hurt. That's the only way to put it. I was upset and frustrated and I cried. I'm sick and tired of caring about these people when none of them care about me. Or even take me into consideration. I don't need friends like these.
My spirits have been a little low lately, due to my crappy friends. But today I started thinking and God is really showing me that I do have some pretty amazing friends. Ex-bf/ best guy friend, who I love with all my heart (in a bff way) is leaving for college tomorrow. *sad face* Yesterday before church I got to go hang out with him and my other boyfriends before church. We went bowling. (yay bowling!) I love hanging out with these guys. They always put me in such a great mood. I feel so important and loved and cared about when I'm with them. You have to understand our relationships. They all have girlfriends so its not like they all swoon over me and I love the attention. No. Its that they have been my friends for years and we understand and just love each other. Anyway, after church we all went back to ex-bf's house to have a going away party thing. His girl was there and that always sucks for me, because she is one of those clingy types and she's always all over him. So nobody can really hang with him like we normally do. But I love him so much because even though she is there he always makes me know that he cares about me. We just have a deep relationship and we care for each other. Its one of those friendships that we can not see each other for months and then just pick up where we left off. Anyway, so I left the party last night to go star gazing but I was in a fantastic mood. Feeling much better about my friend situation. Then this morning he drove over to my house and woke me up just so that we could have a personal, real good-bye. It meant ALOT to me and I hope he knows that.
My friends mean so much to me. I love them all, even when they suck. All of them touch my life in a different way and here are my thoughts on you all personally.
I'll start with the reason I originally made that very unfair statement. Some of my friends do suck from time to time. I spend most of my time (or at least use to) with these people. We are in all the same activities and classes at school and so naturally we just started hanging out last year. The first semester was GREAT! I can't even explain how happy I was then to have such a large group of great friends. Then when second semester started things went sour fast. I started to care more and more every time the group would hang out and they would just "forget" to call me. Or as they like to put it, If I didn't call them, they assume that I was busy. Well that's a load of crap and they knew it. This same thing has been going on since and I have finally had it. I mentioned in my before blog that I went star gazing. Well what I didn't mention at that time was all the drama that had surrounded the event. Best friend and I had planned a big trip for the whole group plus some to all go out to our spot together. I was the one who found out that there was a meteor shower and when the best time to go would be. If I hadn't told them about it they would never have known. But instead they decided to go the night before and just not tell best friend and I. Well of course we found out. And I was hurt. That's the only way to put it. I was upset and frustrated and I cried. I'm sick and tired of caring about these people when none of them care about me. Or even take me into consideration. I don't need friends like these.
My spirits have been a little low lately, due to my crappy friends. But today I started thinking and God is really showing me that I do have some pretty amazing friends. Ex-bf/ best guy friend, who I love with all my heart (in a bff way) is leaving for college tomorrow. *sad face* Yesterday before church I got to go hang out with him and my other boyfriends before church. We went bowling. (yay bowling!) I love hanging out with these guys. They always put me in such a great mood. I feel so important and loved and cared about when I'm with them. You have to understand our relationships. They all have girlfriends so its not like they all swoon over me and I love the attention. No. Its that they have been my friends for years and we understand and just love each other. Anyway, after church we all went back to ex-bf's house to have a going away party thing. His girl was there and that always sucks for me, because she is one of those clingy types and she's always all over him. So nobody can really hang with him like we normally do. But I love him so much because even though she is there he always makes me know that he cares about me. We just have a deep relationship and we care for each other. Its one of those friendships that we can not see each other for months and then just pick up where we left off. Anyway, so I left the party last night to go star gazing but I was in a fantastic mood. Feeling much better about my friend situation. Then this morning he drove over to my house and woke me up just so that we could have a personal, real good-bye. It meant ALOT to me and I hope he knows that.
My friends mean so much to me. I love them all, even when they suck. All of them touch my life in a different way and here are my thoughts on you all personally.
- we are God's gift to each other, you are my best friend.
- I'll marry you one day
- I wish I knew more about you, but so far you've amazed me. You're my best friend in town 2.
- I wish you would have let me be your friend...your life would be better off. You would have actually had a friend that cared about you.
- we should hang out more. We need each other in that group.
- you saved my life
- you hurt me. I had to stop being your friend. But I wish we could be friends now. But I'm afraid you'll do it again.
- I know that you want to know God, but your afraid that they will treat you like you treated me.
- I wish you would realize that you deserve better then what you settle for.
- Be who you are. It's ok. I wont judge you.
- I wonder if she had lived, If we would still be friends?
- 3/4 you are a great friend. Its no wonder that our friendship has lasted and the others didn't.
Star Gazing
Star gazing. *sigh* Deffinately on my top 5 list of things to do with a boyfriend!!! August has one of the best meteor showers all year round. And tonight, the 12th around 1am was suposed to be the hieght of it. So two of my girlfriends and I borrowed my dads truck and drove out past the city to a dark country spot. We had so much fun. I was out from 11 to 1:30 am and saw probably close to 30 shooting stars. Being able to get away from the city lights to see thousands of beautiful stars brings me to a state of awe every time. It reminds me of how amazing God is. How could I see such amazing beautiful things and ever doubt His existance?
Tips for star gazing:
-know where to go
-BUG SPRAY...is your best friend!
-pillows and blankets
-check the sky, clouds are no good!
I think I enjoy going star gazing so much because its a really good time for me to think about stuff. Im going into my senior year in high school and that brings about alot of crazy changes. Friends are leaving me and all I have to look forward to in the future is the rest of my friends leaving me. Im staying in town, going to the university that is here where I live. While my best friends are scattering across the nation!!! Not to mention my mother is driving me up a wall!!! I have an entire year left, and it seems like we fight about my future decisions every day. Today she had an emotional break down because I mentioned wanting to move out next year. I'll be almost 19 at the time and ready to leave. She should at least be happy that I'm not leaving town! doesn't that count for anything??? I guess not. Well she also doesn't wanna pay for me to have an apartment. What she doesn't understand is that I am ok with that. I plan to get a job and pay for it. She also thinks that I plan to have this amazing apartment with all the comforts that I have now, living at home. Im not that ignorant. Honestly I know I could never aford the comfort I have now. I dont expect to live like that when Im on my own. I just want to be independant. Im sick and tired of having to ask for permission to do anything and everything. Always answering to someone else! Im a big girl, I think I can handle it. You know, 90% of college kids live that way, or worse....in a dorm!! (heaven forbid I ever do that) I think I can handle it.
So I thought alot about that tonight. Also I thought about boys alot. Im one of those girls who doesn't date alot. My standards are just to high. I refuse to settle for most of the boys my high school has to offer. Ive been "talking" to this guy I met a few weeks ago at a summer camp but I dont think that will go anywhere. My main issue is that he just lives to far away! He is close to an hour away from me. Some people can handle long distance relationships, and more power to them. But Im not one of them! Im just not mature enough for that. My last real boyfriend was close to 3 years ago. Not that i havnt dated. But if Im going to commit to someone, I have to have them near me. I cant be emotionaly attached to someone that I only get to see every other week and for a few hours. No, not for me. Sorry. He's a great guy, but zip codes.....its a problem!
Star gazing...its one of my favorite pass times...
Tips for star gazing:
-know where to go
-BUG SPRAY...is your best friend!
-pillows and blankets
-check the sky, clouds are no good!
I think I enjoy going star gazing so much because its a really good time for me to think about stuff. Im going into my senior year in high school and that brings about alot of crazy changes. Friends are leaving me and all I have to look forward to in the future is the rest of my friends leaving me. Im staying in town, going to the university that is here where I live. While my best friends are scattering across the nation!!! Not to mention my mother is driving me up a wall!!! I have an entire year left, and it seems like we fight about my future decisions every day. Today she had an emotional break down because I mentioned wanting to move out next year. I'll be almost 19 at the time and ready to leave. She should at least be happy that I'm not leaving town! doesn't that count for anything??? I guess not. Well she also doesn't wanna pay for me to have an apartment. What she doesn't understand is that I am ok with that. I plan to get a job and pay for it. She also thinks that I plan to have this amazing apartment with all the comforts that I have now, living at home. Im not that ignorant. Honestly I know I could never aford the comfort I have now. I dont expect to live like that when Im on my own. I just want to be independant. Im sick and tired of having to ask for permission to do anything and everything. Always answering to someone else! Im a big girl, I think I can handle it. You know, 90% of college kids live that way, or worse....in a dorm!! (heaven forbid I ever do that) I think I can handle it.
So I thought alot about that tonight. Also I thought about boys alot. Im one of those girls who doesn't date alot. My standards are just to high. I refuse to settle for most of the boys my high school has to offer. Ive been "talking" to this guy I met a few weeks ago at a summer camp but I dont think that will go anywhere. My main issue is that he just lives to far away! He is close to an hour away from me. Some people can handle long distance relationships, and more power to them. But Im not one of them! Im just not mature enough for that. My last real boyfriend was close to 3 years ago. Not that i havnt dated. But if Im going to commit to someone, I have to have them near me. I cant be emotionaly attached to someone that I only get to see every other week and for a few hours. No, not for me. Sorry. He's a great guy, but zip codes.....its a problem!
Star gazing...its one of my favorite pass times...
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