stuff

i dont feel like grammar today. so be happy with periods.

stuff has been bugging me latly. my mom is driving me crazy and im not sure why. im just a little hostile after talking with her. also im starting to pick up a little road rage. stupid drivers really upset me. and it doesnt help that im listening to some what of angry music...thanks kels.

on another note school had stared and im a tad worried about my reading schedule. i have to quickly finish the last 250 pages of this present darkness by peretti which ive been reading on my own. soon i will have to start the prince by machiavelli for ap euro hist. and then soon ill have to start both beowulf and another outside reading for eng. im thinking of reading the poison wood bible for that but im not decided yet.

Transparency

I am a to myself kind of person. I love to listen and know every thing about your life, but don't want to share my own. It has to do with being vulnerable. I hate that feeling. To not be in control and to know that others can see right through you. But that's an interesting concept. People looking right through you. To be transparent. It's truly a scary thought. I personally don't have many if any real secrets to hide, but I don't like people knowing how I feel or what I'm thinking. I feel vulnerable to judgement and to pain.

Tonight during our meeting with the Wednesday bible study leaders. Mrs. G mentioned transparency. That's what got me thinking. It was a very subtle comment but I honed in on it in fear. I'm afraid of what might come out if I am truly transparent. My insecurities, or weaknesses with Christ might show! I don't know if I could handle it.

I think this is what keeps our small group from really getting to know each other. Over the past 3 years we have been together almost every Wednesday night and have shared personal stories and feelings but have we really ever been transparent? I don't believe we have even come close. We are afraid to be real with each other for whatever reason. We have had our moments of truth, but they were soon torn away by the fakeness.

I want to be unified and really know these girls and love them and be loved. But it will take complete transparency. I have a feeling that if it's gonna happen, this will be that year. But I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. And to admit this, is as transparent as it gets for now.

first day of school

My first day of school as a senior was highly uneventful. I had show choir, then chamber choir, then ap government. Show choir was fun cause its only 7 of us and we spent most of our time assembling the new $20,000 risers we got! Then in chambers we talked about school policy and all the typical first day stuff. But then we sang a little bit and i was surprised how well we did. Most of our choir graduated last year and now we only have one senior boy. Most of the boys are sophomores and I don't really like many of the junior girls. But i was pleased with the turnout. Maybe we wont suck so bad this year! : ) Finally I went to my ap gov class with my friend Katie. Our teacher is a really young cheerleader who used to teach asl. So she is really hyper and bouncy and has a hand motion for EVERYTHING!!! But aside from that it sounds like the class will be good and i like the people that i sit around. Then I got to experience the joys of senior out!! I left school at 2:11pm. Went out the subway for lunch and went home and relaxed. I have senior out everyday this entire year and I'm SUPER excited about it!

Tonight we had the parent meeting for Tues night discipleship. I'm a little worried about the number of kids and the split for Tues and wed but I'm trusting that it'll work out. But I did very much like the 6th graders i met today and i loved their parents! They seem so encouraging and they really want their kids to be there and to grow. They were very easy to talk to and i had a really good time. I think this year is going to be awesome. God's got good plans in store.

Who Am I?

It has come to my attention that you don't know who I am. That could in part be because I don't know either. I do know however, that I live to different lives, and even though it's frowned upon I am a different person depending on who I around. I have a life in flo mo, and a life in denton. To very different lives that I can control how and when one mingles with the other....or if it EVER does.

Flo mo:
My flo mo life consist of my church friends. I think that I am more myself in this life. Or at least I am more of who I want myself to be. I'm more outgoing and loud. I have more fun in this life too. I'm involved and I have tons of friends; boy, girl, young, old. I'm a leader here. I talk more freely and I talk much more often. I am always up for hanging out more often and longer no matter where and when. And I never mind the 20 minute drive.

Denton:
This life consist of my family and school friends. In this life I am shy and don't talk a whole lot. I spend alot of time alone even if my friends are out doing something. I don't like the 10 minute drive to get to where most of my friends live. I'm involved in things mainly so that I will have friends. It's hard for me to meet new people because I'm so shy. I generally don't speak my mind because I know it's not what anyone wants to hear. I don't like to be at home much ( don't get me wrong I love my family). I only have a few friends and really only one that i like to spend time with. But when I'm with that one friend, bff, I am more like myself in my flo mo life.

I am not your typical two sided person who acts one way in church and another in school. I am every way the same in both places spiritually and morally. Its more just that my personality changes. I think that it's because I am much more comfortable with those of you in flo mo. I don't feel judged and I don't have to be cool. But I think that living these two very different lives has made it quite difficult to figure out who I am as a person. Because truly I am parts of both of these lives. And I am not other parts at all. And sometimes I'm both. I sort of know who I want to be, but I definitely don't know who I am now.

So to clear things up a bit...these are some true things about me...what ever that means.
-I don't talk alot and when I do it's only because I'm comfortable with you
-I am shy. It takes alot of determination for me to meet new people.
-I cry alot. I love crying and I will cry at almost anything. I don't like crying in front of people but only because they make judgements on me.
-I love to people watch....and yes I do judge you. I know it's wrong.
-I care about my friends...but I want to be cared for in return....this is my biggest issue with the people of my denton life.
-In flo mo I pretend to be in control, I think I do it because you like me more this way.
-Also in flo mo, I act like I'm a big deal...when really I don't think much of myself but again, you like me more this way.
(I say that you like me more this way because you didn't have a clue who I was or cared when I acted otherwise for 15 years.)
-I like to listen more then talking
-I detach myself from people if I know they are leaving so that I wont hurt. But I really do miss you.
-I think alot
-Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean some thing is wrong. Most of the time if some thing is wrong, I will talk more so that you wont notice.
-If you ask me whats wrong and I say nothing...and you ask again I'll never tell you. If you let me know that you know some thing is wrong but understand that I might not want to talk about it...I'll probably tell you
-I don't ask how you are for mere conversation....I really want to know. Most people just wont really tell me.
-I don't like being the center of attention at all. I feel really uncomfortable.
-I am horrible at small talk. I love deep conversation.
-I am very non-confrontational
-I am a pleaser
-I'm not aggressive and I don't approach people.
-I just want to feel like i belong some where.
-I love it when people notice if I'm gone
-I am very critical about myself.
-I don't know what I want from life.
-I hate awkward situations
-I'm not very opinionated
-I HATE making decisions
-I am not a feminist. I believe the man is the leader, and I like it better that way.
-I like to be friends with people younger than me because I feel less judged.
-I want a boyfriend really bad, but I'm to picky to actually have one.
-I spend alot of money but I'm really cheap.
-I'm an introvert
-It makes me abnormally happy when people tell me they like something I did.
-I have a secret box of secretly special stuff
-I compare myself to Gretchen Wieners when I say that its better to be hating life with friends then to not have friends at all.
-I ate lunch alone for the last 3 months of school sophomore year. I hated every minute of it but I had to be away from the person who I called my best friend that whole year.

College Stress

Every where I go some one asks me what I'm going to do in college. where am I going to go? What do I want to be? I am sick and tired of not being able to answer any of those questions!!! I know where I'm going to go; UNT, but the question of majors is one that plagues me. I have no idea what I like or what I don't. The only thing that I know I should do, music, I know that I don't want to do. I don't even know if I see myself working in the future. All I have a passion for is travel. But traveling takes money. And I have to have a job to have money. It's a problem. And it's all I think about. Not to mention the added stress I get from the parents. ugh!

Attention Please, Summer has been cancelled....on account of rain.

Last May when school let out my mind was flowing with plans for the summer ahead. I was going on several trips and I had plenty of time put away for sleeping, reading, and decompressing. Most of this I had planned to happen in my favorite spot; the lake house. I love coming up to this house so much. Getting away from my everyday peers, problems, stresses, and life, is the greatest thing.

Rain. Rain. Rain. More Rain. Not that rain itself is a bad thing, in fact I realize how much needed alot of it was. It's the damage the amount of rain had on my lake house that really upset me. As the water poured over the Texoma Spillway for the first time since 1989, all my hopes for a sun kissed tan, relaxing boat outings and beaches slipped from my reach. Until today I haven't seen this lake since the weekend before July 4th. As the water continued to rise all the walkways to my slip twisted and became unusable, also we had no electricity and no water. Then the roads were under water and no one was allowed access to the state park at all for over a month.

My perfect summer was gone. Granted I did find other places to go and things to do, and people to hang out with, but all had a bittersweet taste. All summer I had fun, but it was not where I really wanted to be. Today I got a small but satisfying taste of my summer. A perfect day with calm waters and a great swim. Suddenly as the boat glided across the unused water all my bitterness fell away. Because I was forced to change my summer plans and delete the lake from them entirely, I had a much greater appreciation for what I have here. For the first time I didn't see it as this place I go to because I can. I saw it as a privilege. I was lucky to enjoy my final weekend of summer in this house.

I also noticed how much time I have missed out on spending with my family this summer. I am so busy that I get into a habit where the only time I really spend with them is when I'm at the lake. So it is really nice to get this last couple of days to just chill out with folks.

God is good. He has a plan. That's the lesson I learned today.

Thanks Brent

I know this crazy guy with long blonde hippie hair and a passion for teens, and for some reason I've found that over the years I have come to value his opinion more and more. Recently I read a blog of his showcasing statistics about how little the average adult reads. This information didn't surprise me in the least. But it did make me start to think. I love to read. But like most of America my excuse for not doing so is lack of time. But truly there is no lack of time. Its really a lack of time management. I started to analyze how I spend my spare time. Ive found that I don't do much of anything productive. I am so busy all the time running from place to place that when I have spare time I usually sit in front of the tv or computer and decompress. It's to stressful to read because I would have to think about more stuff. But isn't this a shame. Reading has become more of a chore to me. But when I do sit down and read I tend to relax more then when I'm just vegging in my lazy-boy staring into the tv.

Brent asked his readers to poll how many books they have read this year. What kinds of books do they read, and what was their favorite. Well I started to comment and to my dismay had a hard time thinking of any books that I did read. I've read two in the last month but before that I hadn't read much at all. One or two books for English, and I might not have even read the whole thing. So I've decided that I'm not going to become that statistic. I'm starting with the 2 books I've read so far this summer and going forward. Ive started a new one today.

Thanks Brent for giving me a new passion to not allow my mind to veg. And for not being a statistic.

To Picky?

This is very poorly written....suck it up.

By the way, try not to psychoanalyze me please.

People always tell me that it's a good thing that I am very picky when it comes to who I date. I know what I want and I try not to settle. But is it possible to be TO PICKY?? If it is then I have definitely met that mark. Every boy I have met so far in my dating career has been almost up to par. But not quite. All of them Mr 9 out of 10's. You would think that a 9 is pretty darn close to perfect...but you would be wrong. To me 9 is just not good enough. Lets analyze the last few boys I've dated/ thought about dating. I'll call them T, C, D, and M. (Just for reference these boys have been spread out over a large period of time)

T:
I actually called myself his gf. T is that perfect boy you see in the movies that does everything right all the time. He is very cute, an 8 or 9 for sure. Very smart. Very funny. He loves Jesus and he liked me. What more can a girl ask for huh? Well, aside from all that, he played to many video games and was to good at them and I thought he was kind of a nerd. That did it. Once I realized this, it was over. I started to like him less and less until we finally broke up.

C:
I wasn't official with C ever but we did go on a date or two. I met C at a Christian camp. (so he loves Jesus too) C is very tall, handsome, funny, easy to talk to, has the same moral standards as I do. REALLY liked me. He is a musician and plays like 8 different instruments. But he lived to far away and I really didn't like the earring he has.

D:
I've known D since I was 8. He is my brothers best friend. He's older, mature, very very cute. Really funny, has a job, so sweet. But he doesn't love Jesus, and he drinks.

M:
M is my current prospect...Ive been friends with him for over a year, and I love him to death. (friendly love of course) Loves Jesus, very good looking, so much fun to hang out with. Extremely talented singer. We have a lot in common. But he's just barely shorter than me and I hate his mother.

I might not have gotten my point across very well but what I'm trying to explain is that everything could be right with this person, but one tiny minuet detail and that one thing will turn me off completely!!! I will start to like this person a lot and then very quickly find that small problem. I dated T for almost 2 months....technically I went on 1 date with C, but I talked to him all the time on the phone, but the idea of him only lasted about 3 weeks.....I entertained thoughts of dating D for about a month until he actually asked and after 4 or so hours I had decided against it. And finally M and I have on and off flirted for the whole past year but now that I know he likes me and I could actually have that relationship, 3 days later, I'm not sure if I want it.

I'm screwed up! Something must be clinically wrong with me. I'm TO PICKY!!!! I want to be ready for a relationship! I pray about it all the time. But when I sit down and really think about it and things like this, I realize that I'm most definitely not ready at all for one! And it sucks! I hate it!

I think I'll leave you now and go throw a pity party for myself in my room.

When Passion Becomes Obligation

I enjoy singing a lot. I love to learn new music as much as I love to perform it! I love to sing alone and in my whole choir. The whole process is just fun for me. Its my way of releasing tension, singing relaxes me. That's why I do stuff like all state and solo and ensemble competitions. I get to cram music, which is one of my favorite things to do. I hate taking 6 weeks to learn a piece. Give me two days and Ill be ready to perform it. And that's how all state camps work. We take 4 days and learn 8 pieces of music and then perform and record the concert. But in choir it will take 6 weeks to learn 3 or 4 pieces....it gets frustrating. Doing all state gives me something more interesting to work on so I don't get bored with our choir music.

Anyway, every year i have auditioned for all state and loved doing it. Learning music, the excitement of the audition, more challenging music, etc. Last year I finally made the All-State Choir. I was 3rd chair women's choir. Which basically means I was 7th in the state for my voice part. Its a really big deal to make all state. Especially as a junior because now I can do it again senior year. And I plan to. Ive been to 2 camps this summer learning the music for this years auditions. And because I was an all stater I got to go to these camps either for free or at a discounted price. That was pretty cool.

I'm not saying all this to brag. I'm saying this because it was a passion. And still is kinda. But this year I'm not doing all state because I want to anymore. I'm doing it because I'm expected to. I made it once, now I have to do it again. And on top of that, I have to do better! So now when I audition its not just nerve racking, its 10 times more pressure. It doesn't even stop here. Besides the pressure to make all state again, I have the pressure to be the best at school too. If I make a mistake or do anything wrong it's even more unacceptable. Why? Because I'm an all stater and I should be better then that.

This might seem like an over the top rant. But I really do get this from people. They expect me to be perfect, and I'm far from it. It just starts to get frustrating and draining when passion turns into obligation.

random things that I'm liking alot right now

Right now I'm really liking

-GOD
-blogging
-bff
-cars
-star gazing
-special star gazing spot
-cbc
-my artistic friend
-not gay Matt (ha)
-jazz music
-time
-losing 8 pounds
-school starting
-being a senior
-not worrying about college
-the prospect of going to winter park, Disney land, and south padre this year
-Cardboard Bethany!
-free movies
-Francine Rivers books
-no summer assignments!!
-time alone
-time with friends
-senior out!!
-my bigger purse
-being liked
-TLC's What Not to Wear
-Bravo's Top Chef
-being domestic
-my idiot brother
-bullets and octane (thx kels)
-genie in a bottle....

-All of the above having stories behind them...and you not knowing what those stories are! ; )

Workin at the CAR WASH

I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to be at a choir car wash at 7:30 in the AM (had to stress the AM part) I would normally be ok with this, except for tomorrow we wont make any money at all. First off I don't know who really ever actually gets their car washed by these things except the parents and maybe a family friend or two. Secondly there is RAIN in the forecast!!!! Who gets their car washed if they know its going to rain? Or might be raining at the moment!! Thirdly, our choir is being gay and only 12 or so of us are going to be there!



This is a disaster! And I'm super happy about waking up at 6 to see it in all it's rainy glory...

Crappy Art

Lately I've been spending a great amount of time with my dear friend Kelsey. She is a very talented artist and I have been admiring her work a lot and we have been talking about art a lot lately. Or at least much more then I ever talk about art with any of my other friends. Well I enjoy this very much, but it has left me in a very troubling area. I tend to be a person who sees something and then has to try it. Like if I watch a dance movie like center stage, immediately after it's over I feel like dancing. (and I will if nobody is around) ; ) So naturally I have felt like doing something "artistic"....Problem is that I am a horrible artist. In 17 years I have managed to master the stick figure. So I am left with so much artistic energy in me, and no outlet. Quite frustrating really. Well I might have found a way to solve my present dilemma. I always see pieces of art or sculpture type things in parks or town squares, etc. Well frankly, I just don't see most of these to have much artistic value. Granted, I'm not an artistic scholar, but I just haven't seen much talent in most of it. And for a long time it has been one of my life goals to make a piece of really crappy art and have it displayed in a park somewhere. I think my artistic abilities could handle it. :D So maybe one of these days when I'm feeling a need to express myself artistically (in a very non talented way) Ill get started on my crappy art sculpture.

The Game of Life

When Milton Bradley created this child's board game, I wonder if he realized what he was really doing. The game of LIFE. It takes you on a one way journey from youth to retirement. As it would seem the game hits all the "big events" in life: getting a job, marriage, buying a home, children, etc. He must have been a very smart man to be able to compile an entire life complete with picnics, and car troubles. And just like the human life every time you play you find yourself being a different person and each with different events. Each life different. And yet if you look further into it, each life is remarkably the same. Every life must STOP and be married. Every life must STOP and get a job, buy a house. Eventually every life must STOP and retire. Every life seems to live from pay day to pay day enjoying simple pleasures life brings along the way. Yes, Mr. Bradley created a great children's game that has entertained the masses since 1860, and kudos to him for doing it. But I believe he has done a great injustice to what we call LIFE. However, even though the game is an injustice to what life really is, he has managed to make a fairly realistic summary and put it in a box so that you and I could grow up making light of the events of adulthood.

First off his game enters a life at 18 and has nothing to say about what this person has experienced during those precious and vital years. I myself am approaching this age and it confuses me to think that my whole life so far has meant nothing to this game of life. Has nothing I've gone through; the pain and joys of these years been significant enough to even be mentioned when summing up life as a whole? I can not agree with Milton's choice to disregard the early years. I believe these have been the years that have shaped me and defined what kind of person I am and what kind of LIFE i will live.

Secondly, just as he counts 18 years of existence to not be important enough to recognize, he also throws out all the years the Lord blesses you with past 65. That's interesting to me that close to 50 years of Milton Bradley's life didn't seem to have any real importance. To me this is absurd! These are the years of grand-children and watching your own marry and go through those crazy years of adulthood. These are your wisest years.

Though the game would be more realistic if it had involved these years, I can understand the decision to leave them out. You may think that I'm criticizing his work, but on the contrary, I believe it to be a great piece. Milton Bradley chose to start the game at a time in life when you really start to live. Around that age you finally become your own person and no longer depend upon others to help you. And He so wisely thought to end the game upon a time in life when people start to live not for themselves but for other people. Putting themselves aside in their old age to tend to those younger still lost in the world.

I wondered at first why the game only had one path when so many people lead drastically different lives. Well, I asked the question earlier if Milton Bradley realized what he was really doing when he created this game. I believe that he did, and if I'm wrong, well then he was wise beyond his own understanding. All while creating a child's game he laid out the basics of any and all human lives. There is only one path, not because we all experience the same stuff, but because we all are bound to time. And sooner or later time will take us from youth to old age. That's what's really behind this game of life. Not the stuff in the middle, because that could change at any point. Every time you find yourself playing this game the you will land on a different event, and what happens to you will change. But every time you will always start and stop at the same places. He handed you the events, and left it up to you, the player to chose how to handle it and the emotions you met each new experience with.

This is how I think of God. He gives us all lives, and lays them out with different events and experiences. Things that we can't plan or change. But He leaves it up to us to chose how we handle it. We are all bound to this game of LIFE. But it's not the game that matters, it's what we chose to do with it.

Life Soundtrack

Lately I've been thinking about making a CD that has songs that all describe me in a different way. My life's soundtrack. I just kept thinking about how I wanted to make one, and today I finally started on the project. I quickly realized however, that this was a much bigger project then I thought it would be. There is just so much music in the world. How can I chose 18 or so songs on a whim that define me? I can't. This is going to take a lot of thought. I have a lot of song, and soul searching to do before this is complete. As of now I have come up with a few songs that are on my list of possible soundtrack worthy songs.

Lauren's Soundtrack as of 8/13/07

• Average Girl ~Barlow girls
• Voice of truth ~Casting Crowns
• Identity Crisis ~Thrice
• I want you to want me ~Cheap Trick
• Feeling good ~Micheal Buble
• Teenagers ~My Chemical Romance

I think the hardest part about this whole process is differentiating the songs that i just LOVE, and the ones that actually say something about me.

The best and worst of friends

Over the past few months, those of you who know me will recall that I have often said that my friends suck! Well that is a very unfair statement when I take into consideration ALL of my friends, and not just the few that are annoying me at the time. So let me take some time to further explain my friend situation.

I'll start with the reason I originally made that very unfair statement. Some of my friends do suck from time to time. I spend most of my time (or at least use to) with these people. We are in all the same activities and classes at school and so naturally we just started hanging out last year. The first semester was GREAT! I can't even explain how happy I was then to have such a large group of great friends. Then when second semester started things went sour fast. I started to care more and more every time the group would hang out and they would just "forget" to call me. Or as they like to put it, If I didn't call them, they assume that I was busy. Well that's a load of crap and they knew it. This same thing has been going on since and I have finally had it. I mentioned in my before blog that I went star gazing. Well what I didn't mention at that time was all the drama that had surrounded the event. Best friend and I had planned a big trip for the whole group plus some to all go out to our spot together. I was the one who found out that there was a meteor shower and when the best time to go would be. If I hadn't told them about it they would never have known. But instead they decided to go the night before and just not tell best friend and I. Well of course we found out. And I was hurt. That's the only way to put it. I was upset and frustrated and I cried. I'm sick and tired of caring about these people when none of them care about me. Or even take me into consideration. I don't need friends like these.

My spirits have been a little low lately, due to my crappy friends. But today I started thinking and God is really showing me that I do have some pretty amazing friends. Ex-bf/ best guy friend, who I love with all my heart (in a bff way) is leaving for college tomorrow. *sad face* Yesterday before church I got to go hang out with him and my other boyfriends before church. We went bowling. (yay bowling!) I love hanging out with these guys. They always put me in such a great mood. I feel so important and loved and cared about when I'm with them. You have to understand our relationships. They all have girlfriends so its not like they all swoon over me and I love the attention. No. Its that they have been my friends for years and we understand and just love each other. Anyway, after church we all went back to ex-bf's house to have a going away party thing. His girl was there and that always sucks for me, because she is one of those clingy types and she's always all over him. So nobody can really hang with him like we normally do. But I love him so much because even though she is there he always makes me know that he cares about me. We just have a deep relationship and we care for each other. Its one of those friendships that we can not see each other for months and then just pick up where we left off. Anyway, so I left the party last night to go star gazing but I was in a fantastic mood. Feeling much better about my friend situation. Then this morning he drove over to my house and woke me up just so that we could have a personal, real good-bye. It meant ALOT to me and I hope he knows that.

My friends mean so much to me. I love them all, even when they suck. All of them touch my life in a different way and here are my thoughts on you all personally.

• we are God's gift to each other, you are my best friend.
• I'll marry you one day
• I wish I knew more about you, but so far you've amazed me. You're my best friend in town 2.
• I wish you would have let me be your friend...your life would be better off. You would have actually had a friend that cared about you.
• we should hang out more. We need each other in that group.
• you saved my life
• you hurt me. I had to stop being your friend. But I wish we could be friends now. But I'm afraid you'll do it again.
• I know that you want to know God, but your afraid that they will treat you like you treated me.
• I wish you would realize that you deserve better then what you settle for.
• Be who you are. It's ok. I wont judge you.
• I wonder if she had lived, If we would still be friends?
• 3/4 you are a great friend. Its no wonder that our friendship has lasted and the others didn't.

Star Gazing

Star gazing. *sigh* Deffinately on my top 5 list of things to do with a boyfriend!!! August has one of the best meteor showers all year round. And tonight, the 12th around 1am was suposed to be the hieght of it. So two of my girlfriends and I borrowed my dads truck and drove out past the city to a dark country spot. We had so much fun. I was out from 11 to 1:30 am and saw probably close to 30 shooting stars. Being able to get away from the city lights to see thousands of beautiful stars brings me to a state of awe every time. It reminds me of how amazing God is. How could I see such amazing beautiful things and ever doubt His existance?

Tips for star gazing:
-know where to go
-BUG SPRAY...is your best friend!
-pillows and blankets
-check the sky, clouds are no good!

I think I enjoy going star gazing so much because its a really good time for me to think about stuff. Im going into my senior year in high school and that brings about alot of crazy changes. Friends are leaving me and all I have to look forward to in the future is the rest of my friends leaving me. Im staying in town, going to the university that is here where I live. While my best friends are scattering across the nation!!! Not to mention my mother is driving me up a wall!!! I have an entire year left, and it seems like we fight about my future decisions every day. Today she had an emotional break down because I mentioned wanting to move out next year. I'll be almost 19 at the time and ready to leave. She should at least be happy that I'm not leaving town! doesn't that count for anything??? I guess not. Well she also doesn't wanna pay for me to have an apartment. What she doesn't understand is that I am ok with that. I plan to get a job and pay for it. She also thinks that I plan to have this amazing apartment with all the comforts that I have now, living at home. Im not that ignorant. Honestly I know I could never aford the comfort I have now. I dont expect to live like that when Im on my own. I just want to be independant. Im sick and tired of having to ask for permission to do anything and everything. Always answering to someone else! Im a big girl, I think I can handle it. You know, 90% of college kids live that way, or worse....in a dorm!! (heaven forbid I ever do that) I think I can handle it.

So I thought alot about that tonight. Also I thought about boys alot. Im one of those girls who doesn't date alot. My standards are just to high. I refuse to settle for most of the boys my high school has to offer. Ive been "talking" to this guy I met a few weeks ago at a summer camp but I dont think that will go anywhere. My main issue is that he just lives to far away! He is close to an hour away from me. Some people can handle long distance relationships, and more power to them. But Im not one of them! Im just not mature enough for that. My last real boyfriend was close to 3 years ago. Not that i havnt dated. But if Im going to commit to someone, I have to have them near me. I cant be emotionaly attached to someone that I only get to see every other week and for a few hours. No, not for me. Sorry. He's a great guy, but zip codes.....its a problem!

Star gazing...its one of my favorite pass times...