Who Am I?

It has come to my attention that you don't know who I am. That could in part be because I don't know either. I do know however, that I live to different lives, and even though it's frowned upon I am a different person depending on who I around. I have a life in flo mo, and a life in denton. To very different lives that I can control how and when one mingles with the other....or if it EVER does.

Flo mo:
My flo mo life consist of my church friends. I think that I am more myself in this life. Or at least I am more of who I want myself to be. I'm more outgoing and loud. I have more fun in this life too. I'm involved and I have tons of friends; boy, girl, young, old. I'm a leader here. I talk more freely and I talk much more often. I am always up for hanging out more often and longer no matter where and when. And I never mind the 20 minute drive.

Denton:
This life consist of my family and school friends. In this life I am shy and don't talk a whole lot. I spend alot of time alone even if my friends are out doing something. I don't like the 10 minute drive to get to where most of my friends live. I'm involved in things mainly so that I will have friends. It's hard for me to meet new people because I'm so shy. I generally don't speak my mind because I know it's not what anyone wants to hear. I don't like to be at home much ( don't get me wrong I love my family). I only have a few friends and really only one that i like to spend time with. But when I'm with that one friend, bff, I am more like myself in my flo mo life.

I am not your typical two sided person who acts one way in church and another in school. I am every way the same in both places spiritually and morally. Its more just that my personality changes. I think that it's because I am much more comfortable with those of you in flo mo. I don't feel judged and I don't have to be cool. But I think that living these two very different lives has made it quite difficult to figure out who I am as a person. Because truly I am parts of both of these lives. And I am not other parts at all. And sometimes I'm both. I sort of know who I want to be, but I definitely don't know who I am now.

So to clear things up a bit...these are some true things about me...what ever that means.
-I don't talk alot and when I do it's only because I'm comfortable with you
-I am shy. It takes alot of determination for me to meet new people.
-I cry alot. I love crying and I will cry at almost anything. I don't like crying in front of people but only because they make judgements on me.
-I love to people watch....and yes I do judge you. I know it's wrong.
-I care about my friends...but I want to be cared for in return....this is my biggest issue with the people of my denton life.
-In flo mo I pretend to be in control, I think I do it because you like me more this way.
-Also in flo mo, I act like I'm a big deal...when really I don't think much of myself but again, you like me more this way.
(I say that you like me more this way because you didn't have a clue who I was or cared when I acted otherwise for 15 years.)
-I like to listen more then talking
-I detach myself from people if I know they are leaving so that I wont hurt. But I really do miss you.
-I think alot
-Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean some thing is wrong. Most of the time if some thing is wrong, I will talk more so that you wont notice.
-If you ask me whats wrong and I say nothing...and you ask again I'll never tell you. If you let me know that you know some thing is wrong but understand that I might not want to talk about it...I'll probably tell you
-I don't ask how you are for mere conversation....I really want to know. Most people just wont really tell me.
-I don't like being the center of attention at all. I feel really uncomfortable.
-I am horrible at small talk. I love deep conversation.
-I am very non-confrontational
-I am a pleaser
-I'm not aggressive and I don't approach people.
-I just want to feel like i belong some where.
-I love it when people notice if I'm gone
-I am very critical about myself.
-I don't know what I want from life.
-I hate awkward situations
-I'm not very opinionated
-I HATE making decisions
-I am not a feminist. I believe the man is the leader, and I like it better that way.
-I like to be friends with people younger than me because I feel less judged.
-I want a boyfriend really bad, but I'm to picky to actually have one.
-I spend alot of money but I'm really cheap.
-I'm an introvert
-It makes me abnormally happy when people tell me they like something I did.
-I have a secret box of secretly special stuff
-I compare myself to Gretchen Wieners when I say that its better to be hating life with friends then to not have friends at all.
-I ate lunch alone for the last 3 months of school sophomore year. I hated every minute of it but I had to be away from the person who I called my best friend that whole year.