Transparency

I am a to myself kind of person. I love to listen and know every thing about your life, but don't want to share my own. It has to do with being vulnerable. I hate that feeling. To not be in control and to know that others can see right through you. But that's an interesting concept. People looking right through you. To be transparent. It's truly a scary thought. I personally don't have many if any real secrets to hide, but I don't like people knowing how I feel or what I'm thinking. I feel vulnerable to judgement and to pain.

Tonight during our meeting with the Wednesday bible study leaders. Mrs. G mentioned transparency. That's what got me thinking. It was a very subtle comment but I honed in on it in fear. I'm afraid of what might come out if I am truly transparent. My insecurities, or weaknesses with Christ might show! I don't know if I could handle it.

I think this is what keeps our small group from really getting to know each other. Over the past 3 years we have been together almost every Wednesday night and have shared personal stories and feelings but have we really ever been transparent? I don't believe we have even come close. We are afraid to be real with each other for whatever reason. We have had our moments of truth, but they were soon torn away by the fakeness.

I want to be unified and really know these girls and love them and be loved. But it will take complete transparency. I have a feeling that if it's gonna happen, this will be that year. But I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. And to admit this, is as transparent as it gets for now.