I used to write in a diary and I was very good at that, in terms of consistency and not subject matter of course. What middle school diary really has much value as far as subject matter is concerned? But blogging is not like a diary. No one wants to hear all your inner secrets and what you really think about certain things. Everything must be politically correct and conditioned for the ears of others. It's a sad thing I think, because in essence it's just fake. Nothing anyone ever tells you in a public forum is the WHOLE TRUTH. It may be most of it or nearly the whole thing, but never the whole truth. People will always hold back just a little. In many cases this is a good thing and thinking before you speak often results in better interactions, but maybe it would be nice to be honest for a change.

As for me, when I hold back, when I don't tell the whole truth it's because of fear. I fear that someone may know me too well that I wouldn't be able to hide if I wanted. I fear I wouldn't be able to take as much time making hard decisions because everyone would know that I'm not content. Ultimately I fear a lack of control.

Being fake, gives a person a level of control that they would otherwise not have if honesty was the law of the land. The smile and nod through life approach gives people the ability to control things. They are less vulnerable to hurt and pain, and hurting others as well.

This is my problem with God. God knows all, and I know that. I can't hide from Him, and I can't pretend to be content and complacent. There is no smile and nod approach with Him. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. There's no control. But in vain I try. I begin to pretend he doesn't listen and watch. But I know I'm wrong, and I know His way is better. It's a hard thing to crawl out from under my carefully created hiding spot into the revealing sun. Though it may be a refreshing change, first I have to find the way out in the dark since there's no on here with a light to help.