When I think about this blog, I think about double secret probation. You may or may not be lucky enough to understand what that means, but it's ok either way. I think about how sporadic my writing has been and how meaningless most of it is. So I am saying good bye for now to Gish Life Blogspot. But I do still enjoy having the forum so I'm moving to wordpress. I feel that it is time for change that hopefully will spark a new interest in bloging. So please enjoy my ramblings here. See ya there.

First off, I'm a college student. I have no idea what I'm majoring in but I'm well on my way to 3 minors. Anyway as a core requirement for my university I have to take at least two science classes. Another thing about me, is that I dislike science and science classes very much. So in an effort to avoid science as a whole I have chosen the least sciency science classes available. First, I took Stars and the Universe, and now I'm taking Intro to food nutrition. I'm taking the course as an online class with a lab meeting once a week. So today was my first lab, and really the first main day of class in general. I'm overall pleased with the prospect of this class so far. First off, I heard it was a fairly easy A, and while I'm definitely not a slacker...I do enjoy not having to work too hard for good grades every now and then. Secondly, I'm going to be learning all about nutrients and how they effect our bodies, the benefits of both organic and conventional food production, and alot of other really interesting stuff about what I eat and how I eat it. So I'm excited about it, and about its (hopefully ) positive effect on my diet, and healthy lifestyle.

As I was sitting in Jimmy John's eating my #5 vito sandwich on wheat bread with peppers, I was reading the signs hung upon the wall. One in particular caught my attention and made me laugh several times. I think I'll share it with you.

16 Things that it took me over 50 years to learn--Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. There is a very fine line between a "hobby" and a "mental illness."

3. If you had to identify, in one single word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman the even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic backgrounds, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay Attention. It never fails)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Final thought: Men are like wine. They start out as grapes and its up to the women to stop the snot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I used to write in a diary and I was very good at that, in terms of consistency and not subject matter of course. What middle school diary really has much value as far as subject matter is concerned? But blogging is not like a diary. No one wants to hear all your inner secrets and what you really think about certain things. Everything must be politically correct and conditioned for the ears of others. It's a sad thing I think, because in essence it's just fake. Nothing anyone ever tells you in a public forum is the WHOLE TRUTH. It may be most of it or nearly the whole thing, but never the whole truth. People will always hold back just a little. In many cases this is a good thing and thinking before you speak often results in better interactions, but maybe it would be nice to be honest for a change.

As for me, when I hold back, when I don't tell the whole truth it's because of fear. I fear that someone may know me too well that I wouldn't be able to hide if I wanted. I fear I wouldn't be able to take as much time making hard decisions because everyone would know that I'm not content. Ultimately I fear a lack of control.

Being fake, gives a person a level of control that they would otherwise not have if honesty was the law of the land. The smile and nod through life approach gives people the ability to control things. They are less vulnerable to hurt and pain, and hurting others as well.

This is my problem with God. God knows all, and I know that. I can't hide from Him, and I can't pretend to be content and complacent. There is no smile and nod approach with Him. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. There's no control. But in vain I try. I begin to pretend he doesn't listen and watch. But I know I'm wrong, and I know His way is better. It's a hard thing to crawl out from under my carefully created hiding spot into the revealing sun. Though it may be a refreshing change, first I have to find the way out in the dark since there's no on here with a light to help.

A really good friend, that I miss a lot and never see anymore, once said to me that in college you will either run toward the Lord and strengthen your relationship with him, or you will start walking backwards. Well, looking at my graduating class from CBC I would have to say she was right. I would also have to say that I think I went the wrong way and it has proved to be a very non enjoyable year and a half.

I feel like I should have something better to do then sit here on my computer trying to find something to do...

I also feel like I should have been a master at playing my acoustic guitar already since I decided I wanted to learn this time last year. But I'm not much better then i was this time last year.

As soon as I decide I'm goind to "diet" that's also when I begin wanting the most unhealthy foods in the world.

There you have it folks. Three thoughts. That's all I've got for ya.

Nineteen Years Worth

A friend of mine posted a blog about the memories that stick out most in her life. It got me thinking about my life and I thought I would share my most memerable times with you. If you care enough to read through them, you're probaly in them.

-playing in my rice box as a child, it was cleaner than sand.
-the day paige hit her head on my ceiling fan
-Christmas when I basically told my aunt that my uncle was going to propose
-meeting Britany in 3rd grade, thinking she was a boy
-leaving school early in 3rd grade to have a chocolate shake with mom at chilis
-making 1000 paper cranes in 5th grade
-the one and only night in my life i've ever snuck out
-My first kiss...eww
-Grandpa throwing a water bottle at me across the dinner table because of his alzheimers
-sitting at spaghetti warehouse when my mom told us she was pregnant
-the "chicklets"
-playing ooga booga at sleep overs with Breana and Rachel
-phone conversations with Austin that lastest for hours
-Ryan being sent away to Utah
-agenda attacking in 7th grade
-Mrs. Miller in 8th grade algebra....we hated her
-Meeting Taylor in Mexico
-our own anti-social bible studies at nancy's house fresh year
-eating lunch alone by the choir room the last 2 months of soph year
-that conversation with Kristy sophmore year in the dungon office
-Being "in love" with Rian for two years
-mexico junior year--Kelsey's life story while stuccoing
-St. Patricks day in Ireland
-"Intervention" in Ireland
-bible study with Sarah in Ireland
-Driving to Tech with Charlotte
-Sr. girls bible study 08
-Kristy's wedding
-The day Nathan annouced he was leaving to the college group
-The night we got back from Pine Cove 09
-Baptizing Morgan
-Laying in the hammock during lake weekend summer '08

Being Busy and Making Time

Much like the rest of you, I'm super busy. I've probably posted blogs about being busy 85% of the time I actually post. However, for me, I've been busier this year more so than I ever have been before. College just did something to me. I have to study for things now, and that takes time. I have to work now, and that takes time. I have a boyfriend now, and that takes time. I have to sleep more now, and that takes time. It's been a hard year. Parts of it were bland. Others really fun. Some were depressing. But over all I made time for the things I had to do, and I made time for the things I wanted to do. Where I slacked though, was making time for the things I should above all else be doing. I found myself putting God on the back burner quite often so I could make time to do other things, important or unimportant. I did the bare minimum; often this would be defined as "what might appear to others as a good job".

So now I'm still super busy. Busier now than ever. But I've changed a significant piece of this puzzle. I learned to put the less important things on the back burner so that I'll have time to spend in the word. I've been braving the morning and reading chapters of Matthew and Proverbs. I can't say that it's been life altering or even that I've had some awesome experience. But I know that if I'm patient and diligent He'll answer.

There is an "I" in PRIDE

I don't read books.
I don't read the newspaper.
I don't watch the news on tv.
I don't read magazines or follow the latest celeb scandal.
I don't form opinions on recent issues.
I don't listen to podcasts.
I don't have much that's interesting to say.
I don't like talking about my problems.
I don't like thinking about my problems.
I don't like admitting that I have problems.
I need someone who will actually care about what I'm talking about.
I need someone who won't analyze me.
I need someone who won't judge me.
I need someone to be my friend.
I need somewhere to belong.
I need a place to go.
I need people to love me.
I need people to love.
I need people to not fix me.
I need someone to help me.
I need someone to teach me.
I need someone to encourage me.
I should be honest.
I should talk to people.
I should love myself.
I should not be so hard on myself.
I should have more faith.
I should reach out.
I should be there for you.
I should be consistant.
I should return your calls.
I should do coffee.
I should not blow people off.
I should be more responsible.
I should be better.
I should try harder.
I should try.

I should not be so self focused.

Just some thoughts to kinda catch you up.
-I'm happier now then I have been
-I'm still super busy
-I'm excited to visist some cool people I know in Arkansas
-Pine Cove was super fun but not so relaxing
-Relationships are scary
-I don't know alot of things
-It's not good to be late to your first class on the the first day back to school
-I thought I was sick but apparently I was just tired
-Being told you look "Tired" 6 times in one day doesn't not make you feel good about yourself
-I wish I knew what that word meant
-My English teacher let us out of class 20 mintues early today. He told us he wanted us to go outside and spend 20 minutes free writing. I called John instead.
-I don't have a single actual proff this semester.
-I think God is sending me on a wild goose chase, and at the moment I don't really apprecieate it...
-I wish I could find what I'm looking for. But it's much easier said then done.
-I bit off more then I could chew....surprise surprise.
-I don't want to leave them
-I'm really glad my friend stephanie is back in town
-my Sister hates my boyfriend...it's kinda sad really
-My brother moved to colorado for 4 months and he already hates it.
-I miss him.
I really should go do something more productive then this...

Ignore me, and go on with your day

-I miss him alot.
-I am a selfish human being whose pride gets in the way of living how I should.
-I want to ignite a fire
-I haven't done anything Christmasy this Christmas
-I'm kinda sad right now
-I have friends. And I'm thankful for them.
-I want to be a better example
-I want to love those girls more.
-I'm afraid he wont like it, or think it's to much
-It needs to stop snowing in Washington
-I don't feel like anyone is making an effort
-I feel like we are a lost cause.
-I wish I thought things would get better
-I'm excited for a little get away time
-I don't know what I'm going to bring for food tomorrow
-I know you don't read my blog
-I'm thankful for curved grades in college
-I have my priorities all wrong
-I can't decide if I do or not...
-I hate doing things I've never done before. It scares me.

I am way to focused on myself. THE END

Shedding Layers

I got a haircut yesterday, and for me, a haircut is a big deal. Every time. I usually go a really long time before I will re-cut my hair, and I ALWAYS forget what it looked like short. But after a while I finally just get fed-up with the excess hair and make that appointment. I think about the big moment alot trying to decide just what to do with it never actually coming to a decision. Eventually the moment comes and I sit in the spiny chair and have a cape draped over me; she asks the dreaded question and because I could never decide I tell her, "just fix it, it's to much, it's bringing me down. Make it better, make it lighter, make it work. It's up to you. Have fun." It's a leap of faith really; trusting in her to make good decisions for me that I couldn't make. Trusting her to see the big picture...the finished product. I know that my haircut in the grand scheme of things really isn't that big of a deal, but it got me thinking. In a weird way, my haircut is similar to my relationship with God. My spiritual walk goes in ups and downs. I go for long periods of time where I'm really just doing pretty good on my own. I never really put Him aside, but these periods can get pretty lukewarm if you know what I mean. And then I finally start looking at my life for what it is: bland, dead-ends, kinda shapeless, and decide that I need to cut some of it away. Take out the excess. I think about it for a while, kinda wrestling with my human nature telling me it's not a big deal, and the spirit in me telling me it's time for that trim. Then I "make the appointment" so to speak, deciding that I can't take it anymore and I have to do something about it, but sometimes I just can't decide what to do. So I take the leap of faith, saying, "Father, just fix it, it's to much, it's bringing me down. Make it better, make it lighter, make it work for your glory. I'm giving it up to you. Have fun." I have to trust in Him to make decisions that I can't, trust Him to see the big picture....the finished product of my life. So I got a haircut yesterday, and now I'm in the process of getting a trim in the other areas of my life. I'm allowing God to cut off the dead ends, and take away the excess. So pray for me.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2

NaNoWriMo

Would not work for me. I have alot to say and struggle to express it even here on a simple blog. How could I write a novel?

But good for those of you who can!

Today

Sometimes distraction is a blessing from God. Today was one of those times. My day started off pretty terribly, I was almost in tears by 8am. I fled from my house and was at school early for the first time in a long time. But I was determined not to go through my day bitterly and being sad, so I sat in my car (freezing my but off I might add) and just prayed that God would heal what's broken, and would give me strength to handle everything. He hasn't quite answered that prayer yet, but he did give me what I needed to keep myself from focusing on it and being bitter all day. He gave me distractions. Things that I would usually be annoyed at or stressed out about, were just on my list of things to do today. Simple as that. I was focused on things besides myself and that is an answered prayer.

A Good Weekend

Oh man, God provided for me this weekend. I needed to get away, I needed to do something fun and different. I needed people and friendship. He delivered. Basically the short version is that I was able to get of work this weekend cause boss man was cutting hours and it also happened to be my best friend Sarah's birthday. So her parents had offered to take me and another friend down to San Marcos to see her. It was a virtually free trip and it was just what I needed. So Saturday morning Melissa, Sarah's parents and I all drove down to see her. It was really cool because Sarah didn't know that I was coming, she thought I had to work. So we were able to just spend all Saturday and most of today with her. We also hung out alot with her suite mate who is very cool. Even though I'm still struggling with sadness and loneliness at home, it was refreshing. And to top it all off we started our morning with a visit to a local church which was awesome because the worship was what I love and the preacher taught truth in a way that really pointed me to God. Now I'm ready to go home and face my reality with strength and confidence in the Lord to answer my prayers.

My Struggle

All people struggle, and contrary to a popular world belief, all Christians struggle too. I struggle. You struggle. But so often we don't talk about our struggles, and instead we put on a smile for the sake of those around us and we go throughout our days never being real with anyone and especially ourselves. Well I'm tired of being fake and I'm tired of wearing my smile and not meaning it. So here it is; my struggles of late. I'm having a really hard time enjoying college and the new life I have because of it. When I'm totally honest with myself I'm lonely. Even though I have tons of great people and a boyfriend around me all the time, I'm still lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the community we shared. I don't have anyone here that I laugh with like I laughed with Bethany all the time. And I don't have anyone that I can have deep and random conversations with like I did with Charlotte, and I don't have anyone here who really understands who I am and what I'm about and the struggles I have like Sarah does. I know that I just have to build a new life, and new friendships and that it'll all work out great, but I'm not there yet and it sucks. Honestly, right now it just sucks. And what doesn't help this problem is that I don't really have any friends at Unt. My worst fear has come true, and it is actually harder to meet people then I thought it would be. I have met one person and she is very cool and fun to hang out with but I rarely even have time to spend hanging out with her because we are both so busy! So that's my first big struggle. I'm lonely. Another is that I'm making some bad choices when it comes to time management and I know that, but I'm not ready to change that yet. I'm caught in the middle. I don't get as much sleep as I need, and when I say that I actually mean "need" and not just want. I procrastinate on everything, and I'm becoming complacent in my walk and I KNOW that is a problem. I get what I need to done, but I almost always do it in a rush and I don't put my whole heart and focus into it. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm afraid to disappoint, and i care what others think way to much. I'm allowing myself to do some things I shouldn't, and I'm not disciplining myself to do the things I should.

So there you have it. I'm human. And frankly at the moment I'm doing a fantastic job at being human. But the first step to fixing the problem is knowing there is a problem, and that's what this blog is about. I'm putting it out there. My struggles and failing are now public knowledge. Hold me accountable, ask me how I'm doing, and make me be honest. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to get back on track, and I'm trying to bring my focus back to God, but it's hard and I'm struggling. But at least now I'm being honest.

Me vs World

To steal an entry idea from my friend Bailey....

job at best buy-going great, point for me
school in general-not good, point for the world
boyfriend-amazing,ME 2-1
algebra-failing, point for the world 2-2
not having friends at unt-obvious 2-3
friends at church-great 3-3
jrsr girls bible study-going really well, 4-3
procrastination-taking over my life, 4-4
sleep-not enough, 4-5
sunday-got to sing, made some money, really good night, 5-5

And that's life.

Just another update

Nothing to inspiring, just another update.

-I got a 102 on my gov test....I'm not sure how
-I failed my algebra test, and I'm not sure I'll do any better on the next two
-I did pretty well on my astronomy test, I'm hopeful for a high B
-I totally owned my history test, and I'm super happy about it.
-People watching is even more fun when you know the person you're watching
-I kinda like working, and I knew that I would
-I loved not having to work on sunday!
-I'm happy with the state of the college ministry, and I think God has left it in very capable hands
-It would be nice to have more girls though
-I like other peoples children way to much...(that sounds bad lol)
-I'm talking to my cousin again, and it's nice
-I wish the rest would follow suit
-I super love having my own laptop, but I wonder if I'll like having the new one
-This particular boy has mad me very happy as of late
-The materialist in me is very happy about wearing my new dress and jewelry
-Excited to see him perform tonight!

It's Ok

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

It's ok to not know. It's ok to not understand. It's ok to wrestle with the word. It's not about being the smartest, the wisest, the most spiritual. It's about loving Jesus Christ and actively finding out who He is, and who you are in Him.

I'll tell you what, that's the most encouraging bit of information I've heard in quite some time.

Looking Up

So recently I had a not fun moment with my family. I was talking to my mom and she let me in on some information that I didn't really want to hear. There was crying and freaking out and then I started to deal with it. It's nothing super new, just the same old recurring problem but every time I think it's going away it just comes right back. I'm forced to be so much older then I am and I'm expected to give advice and handle "adult" problems. I really hate it but there isn't anything I can do about. It's that whole rock and a hard place thing. But I don't mean to use my blog to whine about it. Instead I wanted to tell you how encouraged I was this past Sunday. Well after the initial shock of it I started to be ok and start dealing. It helped that unlike normal I actually turned to God about this problem first. So I'm sure that helped to calm me down. How amazing is God's provision though. Seriously. I was lost and confused amidst the chaos that existed in my house and I was put in a position that I didn't understand my role. And God answered my prayers. Even better, He answered them all, He did it super quickly, and He used big bold neon signs! Last night during college bible study, we were in 1 Peter 5 and God just spoke to me through the passage. I now just have to rise to the occasion and pass on what God showed me to someone else. That's going to be the hard part. But I know that God will provide. He is always faithful.