GishLife

2010-01-26T14:55:00.002-06:00

When I think about this blog, I think about double secret probation. You may or may not be lucky enough to understand what that means, but it's ok either way. I think about how sporadic my writing has been and how meaningless most of it is. So I am saying good bye for now to Gish Life Blogspot. But I do still enjoy having the forum so I'm moving to wordpress. I feel that it is time for change that hopefully will spark a new interest in bloging. So please enjoy my ramblings here. See ya there.

2010-01-25T16:45:00.000-06:00

First off, I'm a college student. I have no idea what I'm majoring in but I'm well on my way to 3 minors. Anyway as a core requirement for my university I have to take at least two science classes. Another thing about me, is that I dislike science and science classes very much. So in an effort to avoid science as a whole I have chosen the least sciency science classes available. First, I took Stars and the Universe, and now I'm taking Intro to food nutrition. I'm taking the course as an online class with a lab meeting once a week. So today was my first lab, and really the first main day of class in general. I'm overall pleased with the prospect of this class so far. First off, I heard it was a fairly easy A, and while I'm definitely not a slacker...I do enjoy not having to work too hard for good grades every now and then. Secondly, I'm going to be learning all about nutrients and how they effect our bodies, the benefits of both organic and conventional food production, and alot of other really interesting stuff about what I eat and how I eat it. So I'm excited about it, and about its (hopefully ) positive effect on my diet, and healthy lifestyle.

2009-12-19T23:01:00.003-06:00

As I was sitting in Jimmy John's eating my #5 vito sandwich on wheat bread with peppers, I was reading the signs hung upon the wall. One in particular caught my attention and made me laugh several times. I think I'll share it with you.

16 Things that it took me over 50 years to learn--Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. There is a very fine line between a "hobby" and a "mental illness."

3. If you had to identify, in one single word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well, just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman the even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic backgrounds, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay Attention. It never fails)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Final thought: Men are like wine. They start out as grapes and its up to the women to stop the snot out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

2009-12-04T13:18:00.002-06:00

I used to write in a diary and I was very good at that, in terms of consistency and not subject matter of course. What middle school diary really has much value as far as subject matter is concerned? But blogging is not like a diary. No one wants to hear all your inner secrets and what you really think about certain things. Everything must be politically correct and conditioned for the ears of others. It's a sad thing I think, because in essence it's just fake. Nothing anyone ever tells you in a public forum is the WHOLE TRUTH. It may be most of it or nearly the whole thing, but never the whole truth. People will always hold back just a little. In many cases this is a good thing and thinking before you speak often results in better interactions, but maybe it would be nice to be honest for a change.

As for me, when I hold back, when I don't tell the whole truth it's because of fear. I fear that someone may know me too well that I wouldn't be able to hide if I wanted. I fear I wouldn't be able to take as much time making hard decisions because everyone would know that I'm not content. Ultimately I fear a lack of control.

Being fake, gives a person a level of control that they would otherwise not have if honesty was the law of the land. The smile and nod through life approach gives people the ability to control things. They are less vulnerable to hurt and pain, and hurting others as well.

This is my problem with God. God knows all, and I know that. I can't hide from Him, and I can't pretend to be content and complacent. There is no smile and nod approach with Him. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. There's no control. But in vain I try. I begin to pretend he doesn't listen and watch. But I know I'm wrong, and I know His way is better. It's a hard thing to crawl out from under my carefully created hiding spot into the revealing sun. Though it may be a refreshing change, first I have to find the way out in the dark since there's no on here with a light to help.

2009-11-15T00:17:00.002-06:00

A really good friend, that I miss a lot and never see anymore, once said to me that in college you will either run toward the Lord and strengthen your relationship with him, or you will start walking backwards. Well, looking at my graduating class from CBC I would have to say she was right. I would also have to say that I think I went the wrong way and it has proved to be a very non enjoyable year and a half.

2009-05-16T18:49:00.002-05:00

I feel like I should have something better to do then sit here on my computer trying to find something to do...

I also feel like I should have been a master at playing my acoustic guitar already since I decided I wanted to learn this time last year. But I'm not much better then i was this time last year.

As soon as I decide I'm goind to "diet" that's also when I begin wanting the most unhealthy foods in the world.

There you have it folks. Three thoughts. That's all I've got for ya.

Nineteen Years Worth

2009-04-15T10:17:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine posted a blog about the memories that stick out most in her life. It got me thinking about my life and I thought I would share my most memerable times with you. If you care enough to read through them, you're probaly in them.

-playing in my rice box as a child, it was cleaner than sand.
-the day paige hit her head on my ceiling fan
-Christmas when I basically told my aunt that my uncle was going to propose
-meeting Britany in 3rd grade, thinking she was a boy
-leaving school early in 3rd grade to have a chocolate shake with mom at chilis
-making 1000 paper cranes in 5th grade
-the one and only night in my life i've ever snuck out
-My first kiss...eww
-Grandpa throwing a water bottle at me across the dinner table because of his alzheimers
-sitting at spaghetti warehouse when my mom told us she was pregnant
-the "chicklets"
-playing ooga booga at sleep overs with Breana and Rachel
-phone conversations with Austin that lastest for hours
-Ryan being sent away to Utah
-agenda attacking in 7th grade
-Mrs. Miller in 8th grade algebra....we hated her
-Meeting Taylor in Mexico
-our own anti-social bible studies at nancy's house fresh year
-eating lunch alone by the choir room the last 2 months of soph year
-that conversation with Kristy sophmore year in the dungon office
-Being "in love" with Rian for two years
-mexico junior year--Kelsey's life story while stuccoing
-St. Patricks day in Ireland
-"Intervention" in Ireland
-bible study with Sarah in Ireland
-Driving to Tech with Charlotte
-Sr. girls bible study 08
-Kristy's wedding
-The day Nathan annouced he was leaving to the college group
-The night we got back from Pine Cove 09
-Baptizing Morgan
-Laying in the hammock during lake weekend summer '08

Being Busy and Making Time

2009-04-15T10:02:00.002-05:00

Much like the rest of you, I'm super busy. I've probably posted blogs about being busy 85% of the time I actually post. However, for me, I've been busier this year more so than I ever have been before. College just did something to me. I have to study for things now, and that takes time. I have to work now, and that takes time. I have a boyfriend now, and that takes time. I have to sleep more now, and that takes time. It's been a hard year. Parts of it were bland. Others really fun. Some were depressing. But over all I made time for the things I had to do, and I made time for the things I wanted to do. Where I slacked though, was making time for the things I should above all else be doing. I found myself putting God on the back burner quite often so I could make time to do other things, important or unimportant. I did the bare minimum; often this would be defined as "what might appear to others as a good job".

So now I'm still super busy. Busier now than ever. But I've changed a significant piece of this puzzle. I learned to put the less important things on the back burner so that I'll have time to spend in the word. I've been braving the morning and reading chapters of Matthew and Proverbs. I can't say that it's been life altering or even that I've had some awesome experience. But I know that if I'm patient and diligent He'll answer.

There is an "I" in PRIDE

2009-04-02T14:27:00.003-05:00

I don't read books.
I don't read the newspaper.
I don't watch the news on tv.
I don't read magazines or follow the latest celeb scandal.
I don't form opinions on recent issues.
I don't listen to podcasts.
I don't have much that's interesting to say.
I don't like talking about my problems.
I don't like thinking about my problems.
I don't like admitting that I have problems.
I need someone who will actually care about what I'm talking about.
I need someone who won't analyze me.
I need someone who won't judge me.
I need someone to be my friend.
I need somewhere to belong.
I need a place to go.
I need people to love me.
I need people to love.
I need people to not fix me.
I need someone to help me.
I need someone to teach me.
I need someone to encourage me.
I should be honest.
I should talk to people.
I should love myself.
I should not be so hard on myself.
I should have more faith.
I should reach out.
I should be there for you.
I should be consistant.
I should return your calls.
I should do coffee.
I should not blow people off.
I should be more responsible.
I should be better.
I should try harder.
I should try.

I should not be so self focused.

2009-01-22T13:24:00.002-06:00

Just some thoughts to kinda catch you up.
-I'm happier now then I have been
-I'm still super busy
-I'm excited to visist some cool people I know in Arkansas
-Pine Cove was super fun but not so relaxing
-Relationships are scary
-I don't know alot of things
-It's not good to be late to your first class on the the first day back to school
-I thought I was sick but apparently I was just tired
-Being told you look "Tired" 6 times in one day doesn't not make you feel good about yourself
-I wish I knew what that word meant
-My English teacher let us out of class 20 mintues early today. He told us he wanted us to go outside and spend 20 minutes free writing. I called John instead.
-I don't have a single actual proff this semester.
-I think God is sending me on a wild goose chase, and at the moment I don't really apprecieate it...
-I wish I could find what I'm looking for. But it's much easier said then done.
-I bit off more then I could chew....surprise surprise.
-I don't want to leave them
-I'm really glad my friend stephanie is back in town
-my Sister hates my boyfriend...it's kinda sad really
-My brother moved to colorado for 4 months and he already hates it.
-I miss him.
I really should go do something more productive then this...

Ignore me, and go on with your day

2008-12-21T23:26:00.003-06:00

-I miss him alot.
-I am a selfish human being whose pride gets in the way of living how I should.
-I want to ignite a fire
-I haven't done anything Christmasy this Christmas
-I'm kinda sad right now
-I have friends. And I'm thankful for them.
-I want to be a better example
-I want to love those girls more.
-I'm afraid he wont like it, or think it's to much
-It needs to stop snowing in Washington
-I don't feel like anyone is making an effort
-I feel like we are a lost cause.
-I wish I thought things would get better
-I'm excited for a little get away time
-I don't know what I'm going to bring for food tomorrow
-I know you don't read my blog
-I'm thankful for curved grades in college
-I have my priorities all wrong
-I can't decide if I do or not...
-I hate doing things I've never done before. It scares me.

I am way to focused on myself. THE END

Shedding Layers

2008-11-25T09:29:00.003-06:00

I got a haircut yesterday, and for me, a haircut is a big deal. Every time. I usually go a really long time before I will re-cut my hair, and I ALWAYS forget what it looked like short. But after a while I finally just get fed-up with the excess hair and make that appointment. I think about the big moment alot trying to decide just what to do with it never actually coming to a decision. Eventually the moment comes and I sit in the spiny chair and have a cape draped over me; she asks the dreaded question and because I could never decide I tell her, "just fix it, it's to much, it's bringing me down. Make it better, make it lighter, make it work. It's up to you. Have fun." It's a leap of faith really; trusting in her to make good decisions for me that I couldn't make. Trusting her to see the big picture...the finished product. I know that my haircut in the grand scheme of things really isn't that big of a deal, but it got me thinking. In a weird way, my haircut is similar to my relationship with God. My spiritual walk goes in ups and downs. I go for long periods of time where I'm really just doing pretty good on my own. I never really put Him aside, but these periods can get pretty lukewarm if you know what I mean. And then I finally start looking at my life for what it is: bland, dead-ends, kinda shapeless, and decide that I need to cut some of it away. Take out the excess. I think about it for a while, kinda wrestling with my human nature telling me it's not a big deal, and the spirit in me telling me it's time for that trim. Then I "make the appointment" so to speak, deciding that I can't take it anymore and I have to do something about it, but sometimes I just can't decide what to do. So I take the leap of faith, saying, "Father, just fix it, it's to much, it's bringing me down. Make it better, make it lighter, make it work for your glory. I'm giving it up to you. Have fun." I have to trust in Him to make decisions that I can't, trust Him to see the big picture....the finished product of my life. So I got a haircut yesterday, and now I'm in the process of getting a trim in the other areas of my life. I'm allowing God to cut off the dead ends, and take away the excess. So pray for me.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. John 15:2

NaNoWriMo

2008-11-13T13:32:00.004-06:00

Would not work for me. I have alot to say and struggle to express it even here on a simple blog. How could I write a novel?

But good for those of you who can!

Today

2008-10-28T14:09:00.003-05:00

Sometimes distraction is a blessing from God. Today was one of those times. My day started off pretty terribly, I was almost in tears by 8am. I fled from my house and was at school early for the first time in a long time. But I was determined not to go through my day bitterly and being sad, so I sat in my car (freezing my but off I might add) and just prayed that God would heal what's broken, and would give me strength to handle everything. He hasn't quite answered that prayer yet, but he did give me what I needed to keep myself from focusing on it and being bitter all day. He gave me distractions. Things that I would usually be annoyed at or stressed out about, were just on my list of things to do today. Simple as that. I was focused on things besides myself and that is an answered prayer.

A Good Weekend

2008-10-26T15:43:00.002-05:00

Oh man, God provided for me this weekend. I needed to get away, I needed to do something fun and different. I needed people and friendship. He delivered. Basically the short version is that I was able to get of work this weekend cause boss man was cutting hours and it also happened to be my best friend Sarah's birthday. So her parents had offered to take me and another friend down to San Marcos to see her. It was a virtually free trip and it was just what I needed. So Saturday morning Melissa, Sarah's parents and I all drove down to see her. It was really cool because Sarah didn't know that I was coming, she thought I had to work. So we were able to just spend all Saturday and most of today with her. We also hung out alot with her suite mate who is very cool. Even though I'm still struggling with sadness and loneliness at home, it was refreshing. And to top it all off we started our morning with a visit to a local church which was awesome because the worship was what I love and the preacher taught truth in a way that really pointed me to God. Now I'm ready to go home and face my reality with strength and confidence in the Lord to answer my prayers.

My Struggle

2008-10-07T13:04:00.004-05:00

All people struggle, and contrary to a popular world belief, all Christians struggle too. I struggle. You struggle. But so often we don't talk about our struggles, and instead we put on a smile for the sake of those around us and we go throughout our days never being real with anyone and especially ourselves. Well I'm tired of being fake and I'm tired of wearing my smile and not meaning it. So here it is; my struggles of late. I'm having a really hard time enjoying college and the new life I have because of it. When I'm totally honest with myself I'm lonely. Even though I have tons of great people and a boyfriend around me all the time, I'm still lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the community we shared. I don't have anyone here that I laugh with like I laughed with Bethany all the time. And I don't have anyone that I can have deep and random conversations with like I did with Charlotte, and I don't have anyone here who really understands who I am and what I'm about and the struggles I have like Sarah does. I know that I just have to build a new life, and new friendships and that it'll all work out great, but I'm not there yet and it sucks. Honestly, right now it just sucks. And what doesn't help this problem is that I don't really have any friends at Unt. My worst fear has come true, and it is actually harder to meet people then I thought it would be. I have met one person and she is very cool and fun to hang out with but I rarely even have time to spend hanging out with her because we are both so busy! So that's my first big struggle. I'm lonely. Another is that I'm making some bad choices when it comes to time management and I know that, but I'm not ready to change that yet. I'm caught in the middle. I don't get as much sleep as I need, and when I say that I actually mean "need" and not just want. I procrastinate on everything, and I'm becoming complacent in my walk and I KNOW that is a problem. I get what I need to done, but I almost always do it in a rush and I don't put my whole heart and focus into it. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm afraid to disappoint, and i care what others think way to much. I'm allowing myself to do some things I shouldn't, and I'm not disciplining myself to do the things I should.

So there you have it. I'm human. And frankly at the moment I'm doing a fantastic job at being human. But the first step to fixing the problem is knowing there is a problem, and that's what this blog is about. I'm putting it out there. My struggles and failing are now public knowledge. Hold me accountable, ask me how I'm doing, and make me be honest. That's what I need right now. I'm trying to get back on track, and I'm trying to bring my focus back to God, but it's hard and I'm struggling. But at least now I'm being honest.

Me vs World

2008-09-29T10:37:00.002-05:00

To steal an entry idea from my friend Bailey....

job at best buy-going great, point for me
school in general-not good, point for the world
boyfriend-amazing,ME 2-1
algebra-failing, point for the world 2-2
not having friends at unt-obvious 2-3
friends at church-great 3-3
jrsr girls bible study-going really well, 4-3
procrastination-taking over my life, 4-4
sleep-not enough, 4-5
sunday-got to sing, made some money, really good night, 5-5

And that's life.

Just another update

2008-09-23T09:41:00.002-05:00

Nothing to inspiring, just another update.

-I got a 102 on my gov test....I'm not sure how
-I failed my algebra test, and I'm not sure I'll do any better on the next two
-I did pretty well on my astronomy test, I'm hopeful for a high B
-I totally owned my history test, and I'm super happy about it.
-People watching is even more fun when you know the person you're watching
-I kinda like working, and I knew that I would
-I loved not having to work on sunday!
-I'm happy with the state of the college ministry, and I think God has left it in very capable hands
-It would be nice to have more girls though
-I like other peoples children way to much...(that sounds bad lol)
-I'm talking to my cousin again, and it's nice
-I wish the rest would follow suit
-I super love having my own laptop, but I wonder if I'll like having the new one
-This particular boy has mad me very happy as of late
-The materialist in me is very happy about wearing my new dress and jewelry
-Excited to see him perform tonight!

It's Ok

2008-09-11T11:03:00.002-05:00

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known. 1 Corinthians 13:12

It's ok to not know. It's ok to not understand. It's ok to wrestle with the word. It's not about being the smartest, the wisest, the most spiritual. It's about loving Jesus Christ and actively finding out who He is, and who you are in Him.

I'll tell you what, that's the most encouraging bit of information I've heard in quite some time.

Looking Up

2008-09-08T09:39:00.003-05:00

So recently I had a not fun moment with my family. I was talking to my mom and she let me in on some information that I didn't really want to hear. There was crying and freaking out and then I started to deal with it. It's nothing super new, just the same old recurring problem but every time I think it's going away it just comes right back. I'm forced to be so much older then I am and I'm expected to give advice and handle "adult" problems. I really hate it but there isn't anything I can do about. It's that whole rock and a hard place thing. But I don't mean to use my blog to whine about it. Instead I wanted to tell you how encouraged I was this past Sunday. Well after the initial shock of it I started to be ok and start dealing. It helped that unlike normal I actually turned to God about this problem first. So I'm sure that helped to calm me down. How amazing is God's provision though. Seriously. I was lost and confused amidst the chaos that existed in my house and I was put in a position that I didn't understand my role. And God answered my prayers. Even better, He answered them all, He did it super quickly, and He used big bold neon signs! Last night during college bible study, we were in 1 Peter 5 and God just spoke to me through the passage. I now just have to rise to the occasion and pass on what God showed me to someone else. That's going to be the hard part. But I know that God will provide. He is always faithful.

My Goals For the Year

2008-09-02T11:02:00.002-05:00

Here's a random list of things I've been thinking about lately pertaining to what I want to accomplish this year.

-Make friends that live in Denton
-Manage my time well
-Not over stretch myself
-build relationships with a group of amazing junior/senior girls
-Increase my discipline for personal bible study
-Keep in touch with a select few friends who have dispersed
-continue to learn to play the guitar
-find out what the person I want to be looks like
-Continue to keep relationships with the underclassmen of cbc
-succeed in my classes at unt

Not necessarily in that order.

On My 1st Day of College

2008-08-28T11:10:00.003-05:00

On my first day of college, I learned how to eat with chop sticks. Seriously, I went to pei wei for the first time to eat lunch and a friend made me do it. I don't know for sure why that is significant to me, but I think it has something to do with the fact that the very first thing I learned during my college experience has NOTHING to do with book knowledge. Instead it has everything to do with practical life experience however small and insignificant. In fact these past couple of days of this new higher education I haven't really learned anything of collegiate substance; just merely reminded of what I already knew. Now I don't have an unrealistic notion that I wont learn anything in school, that's not the case at all. I am simply just observing these first few days. But while I have spent the last 84 hours or so as a college student I have experienced things I never have before, and through these experiences I have learned alot about myself, life, and what I want from it. Interesting how just being presented with the "college life" can make you so aware of what's going on around you, and what you just might learn from it. So here's to chop sticks, and college.

College Mode

2008-08-24T11:10:00.002-05:00

I've been mentally in college mode for about a year now. Totally prepared and ready to go. So now that it's here I couldn't be more excited about it! I'm not nervous at all though which I think is kinda weird. I already have fallen in love with the "college life" I've started to lead. I've been doing my own thing, being really independent and I love it. I still really miss all my friends that have scattered but I'm really starting to like hanging out with my new group. And I'm even more excited about getting into classes and making new friends in Denton! So for now I'm really happy...but then classes haven't started yet...lol I'll let you know what happens.

words

2008-08-18T12:57:00.004-05:00

I couldn't put what I feel into words that made sentences and paragraphs, so I opted for bullets

-I want college to start
-I want to go home
-I love living in flo mo
-I love hanging with the guys again
-I miss my friends
-I really want/need a job
-It would be nice to get this particular job
-I like my new phone
-I don't know anybodies number
-I need to read my bible
-I can't stop crying
-The internet is boring me
-I know I did the right thing
-I've lost 6 pounds because I've been sick
-I don't know if that's a good thing
-I miss him
-Summer needs to end
-I need less free time
-The sadness needs to go away
-I haven't gotten much sleep lately
-I needed references today and I realized that nathan is no longer pastor of student ministries
-I need a guitar
-I need guitar lessons
-I heart anna nalick
-I miss lunch with kelsey and I'm glad that's starting soon
-I'm nervous about my responsibilities
-I'm nervous about getting a job
-I'm not nervous at all about school
-I wish I had gotten the free t-shirt, but it was fun hanging out
-I really love that my mom misses me

My Day

2008-08-17T19:24:00.003-05:00

To start my day off I must first tell you a little something about last night. I felt terrible! I have some sort of Upper respiratory disease and it gave me a soar throat, serve chills, a massive head ache and all around body ache. So I was at my friend sarah's house for a going away party and I was feeling so bad that I left but I went to my house instead of Chris' cause I just didn't think I could drive that far. So Because I was at my house this morning I had to wake up early to go over to Chris' and feed the dogs. After that I sat around a while and didn't really do much until about 1 when I left to go to my doctors appointment! That took forever and then I had to go to walmart to fill my prescription and get some food. I didn't get back till 430 and I knew that i wouldn't make it in time for church. So I took a shower and did my hair and make up and feed the animals dinner but that took longer then expected. So now I'm just killing a bit of time before I meet Tyler for dinner. And there you have it folks, an uneventful day in the life of Lauren.

To the people I love

2008-08-14T14:31:00.002-05:00

For me high school was not overflowing with fantastic friends. In fact it started out quite terribly. I had a few good friends from middle school freshmen year, but then when the school's split my sophomore year, all but one left. That one was my only real friend all year. But then that friendship ended, and it ended quite hard. I've always had friends, but my "friends" have always been more of "people that I hang out with on occasion". They have rarely ever been true friends that care about me. I spent most of high school trying to forgive those who stabbed me in the back, and trying to care for those who didn't care for me. But after a few months of not having a single person to hang out with in the end of sophomore year God opened a door at CBC. It was hard to get involved and in it was hard to break into the group, but I never gave up and finally I had friends again. I say "again" but really I had friends for the first time. I had real friends. I had people who cared about me. People that noticed when I was gone. People that thought to call and invite me to things. People I could trust, and love and people that loved me back. I was still fighting that friendship war at school, but the people at cbc gave me a home and they gave me hope. I have spent the last two years of my life loving them, and thanking God for them. This is why I have cried everyday for the last week. This is why I have wanted to spend every moment with them. This is why I will never forget any of them.

On the middle ground of life

2008-08-06T23:07:00.003-05:00

The Middle Ground: The point between start and finish.

I hate the middle grounds of life, but I feel like I'm being surrounded by them right now. They are kind of like transitions but much more than that. It's uncomfortable, awkward, uneasy, and time consuming. The only light in this darkness, is that I know that the end of a middle ground is marked by growth.

Learning to see the flashing neon lights that I've asking for.

2008-07-14T11:17:00.003-05:00

Quite often I find myself complaining to others and most frequently to God that He just doesn't communicate with me very well....(note the arrogance in that statement) I constantly pray for some kind of sign that will show me what I'm supposed to do in any given situation, yet I never find one. Consequently I "lean upon my own understanding" and almost always epic fail at whatever it is I was doing. Usually my prayers sound a little something like this: "Dear God, PLEASE just tell me what you want me to do. But don't tell me with subtle hints and discretion but instead use flashing neon lights and signs. Wack me in the face with the answer. Amen." Now you may imagine how well that has been working out for me. But what I've noticed in the past few days is that God is always faithful, and He answers prayer. Conversely, I am not always faithful and I do not always want to hear His answer. You see, what I have been doing is looking right past the neon lights in front of me and searching behind those for the ones I wanted to see. And whats more is that when I pray that prayer, what I'm really saying is "Dear God, PLEASE just tell me what I want to hear. But don't tell me with subtle hints and discretion but instead use flashing neon lights and signs. Wack me in the face with the go ahead to do what I want. Amen." So thankfully for once the lights caught my eye and I got the message, and hopefully that's a lesson learned.

Mid-Summer Perspective

2008-07-11T22:58:00.002-05:00

Summer is supposed to be a time of relaxation, and boredum, and sitting around not doing a whole lot. My summer was supposed to be a full month of nothing to do and then a full month of traveling around Italy, and then a road trip with Bethany. Well let me tell ya that God had different plans for my summer. Of course I'm not spending a month in Italy right now, but more then that, I'm also not sitting around doing nothing. I really think I've actually been more busy so far this summer then I was in the school year. But it's GREAT! It's so great because nothing that I've been doing has been required of me. Nothing has been stressful, and I'm loving every second of it! I still haven't quite figured out why God wanted me here this summer and not in Italy, but I'm having a lot of fun anyway. So here are some of the things I've done so far during my summer:
-Mexico 08! It was a really good year to go out on. I love all the new people I met there and I've enjoyed getting to know them further.
-VBS! I love working with kids! They are so much fun.
-College Lake weekend at the Grace's lakehouse! woohoo, that was a lot of fun and it was good to get to know all the kids in the college group. It made me feel more a part of the gang. : )
-Hanging out with so many really awesome people till really late hours of the morning, and experiencing more of the freedom that comes with being older.
-Art Class at cbc. lol even though I've only made it to a couple of the classes, it's been really cool and I have deffinatly improved since when I started in December. YAY!
-boyfriend, yep, I got me one of those. And it's really good so far!
-July 4th weekend at my boathouse! YAY, July 4th is my favorite holiday of all and this one was pretty darn good. I got to hang out with my brother alot and I loved that. And we went and saw fireworks over the water! YAY
-rolled paper triangles with Kelsey...which was alot of fun contrary to what it sounds like.
-College bible study, I like!
-Road trip to Austin with mom and Erin. We went and saw the inner space caverns, the bats come out from congress bridge, capital building, and ate at alot of really awesome unique resteraunts!
-Seen lots of movies....wanted and wall-e were really good! Looking forward to the dark knight!
-Scrapbooked mexico stuff with Shelby and some other girls!
-sang at some random church with Trevor and the band
-Started and continued to learn/teach myself how to play the guitar...I can actually play and sing about 4 songs...and I have a couple more that I can sorta play.

And I have a bunch more stuff to look forward to. This had been a great summer so far! I hope you have been enjoying yourself as well.

Wow, Stupidity is in the air

2008-06-21T23:59:00.003-05:00

So after being out of town for a week, smashed into a 15 passenger van, I was really dying to drive my own car again! So We finally got back to the church and I packed up what I thought was all of my stuff and excitingly starting to make my way home. I made it all the way back home and realized that I had left my pillow, cowboy hat and the bag I had with me on the van. Since this bag had my phone, ipod, camera and money in it I figured i should go back and get it. So I'm on my way back; driving down the highway and all of a sudden I see flashing lights behind me. Apparently I was speeding. Now, I will admit that I probably deserve a ticket because I often do speed. I never speed excessively, but 5 over and 10 on the highway, is a normal occurrence in my car. So I pull over on the shoulder of the highway only to find out that it's actually against the law to pull over on the left shoulder (the middle of the highway). So the guy gets out and tells me to pull over on the other side. So finally I'm pulled over in an acceptable area and the guy again comes to talk to me. After explaining why I was not supposed to stop on the left side it made perfect sense, but in my defense I never knew that before. I know ignorance is no excuse, but that's the one I used. Anyway he gave me a double warning, one for speeding and one for being stupid and pulling over in the middle of the highway. He couldn't give me a speeding ticket cause he didn't actually clock me, he just knew I was speeding because I past him, obviously going faster then he. (In my defense it wasn't a normal cop car and I didn't notice him) He was actually pretty nice about it but it still kinda sucked! But at least I didn't actually get a ticket! Woo-hoo! But the worst part about this whole story is that by the time I got up to the church it had already been locked up and I couldn't get in, so the whole trip was completely pointless! Except for the part where I got to see some really dumb lady kinda get in an accident. On 407 right in front of the shops of highland village, by the church; there is all that construction and we all know that half of the road is missing there. Well apparently she didn't. And she was also dumb because she pulled out in front of the man in front of me very quickly and almost angrily. But since she wasn't aware of the missing chunk of road she went straight and ran right off the ledge and got stuck! It was pretty funny, not gonna lie. So all in all my night ended with a double warning and a slight panic attack, light laughter supplied by the stupidity of others, and a very long bath accompanied by a good book.

really freaking cool

2008-06-12T23:44:00.002-05:00

so my parents got me an iPod touch for graduation and its really cool! So I just thought ild post a blog telling you (and sorta brag) about the fact that I'm posting this on my touch! Its really not that difficult to use the mini keyboard thing but it does take longer. Either way its still cool and fun to mess with. Anyway, tonight was spent packing for Mexico, also known as the greatest week life ever threw at you. I'll post a longer more exciting blog telling you all about my trip when I get home.

Right now I'll just leave you with a big woo hoo cause I'm a freshman again and that excites me!!!

Out of Order

2008-05-20T23:12:00.003-05:00

So I'm not quite sure what is up, but I think that maybe my tear ducts are out of order. Tonight was my last choir concert in high school, and I should have cried. But I didn't. Not even one tear. I even tried to think of all the sad stuff and force myself to cry, and it just didn't work. Graduation and all my friends scattering just hasn't hit me yet. I still have two whole weeks of school left and I just haven't gotten sad yet. I know that I'm not terribly torn apart because I really don't care that much that people are leaving. There are a few people that I will really, truly miss, but honestly I won't miss a lot of them. I've had some really terrible friends these past couple of years who just really never cared to much about me and so I'm not to sad to see them go. However, I know that when Senior Speeches roles around for church I'm going to be crying like a little baby. I will honestly miss every single one of them. Those people have been my true friends, and so many of them are close to my heart. So I'm looking forward to a huge display of water works, but for now, I'm just out of order.

AHHHHHHHH

2008-05-16T21:18:00.002-05:00

So this tomorrow I have my sisters first ballet performance, prom(both pictures and sleepover are at my house) and then sundayI have mexico mission meal, and tea party with Cera! It doesn't sound like a lot, but oh man am I swarmped! There is so much to do just to prep from prom and attend everything! Ugh! I can't wait till its all happening and I can enjoy it. Now I have to go clean my house!

Great Provider

2008-05-14T22:58:00.002-05:00

For some reason I am still amazed every time I realize how much God provides in my life. Today was amazing. God answered so many prayers in just one day; I'm a bit overwhelmed. First off, my worries about my senior slide show are no more; the picture situation has been remedied. Secondly I was worried about paying for Mexico since my dad's company didn't give me as much as expected and I knew that I wouldn't get what I needed from my short list of other letters, but He knew exactly what I needed and provided an amazing sum of money from a completely unexpected source! Also, since I've been stressing so much with everything that's been going on lately when I had to chose a song for our senior cd for bible study I just sorta chose a song and I was like "whatever, its a good song". I didn't realize at the time though how much I really did identify with the song and I probably would have chosen it anyway even if I had really spent some time thinking about it. God just put it in my mind to randomly pick the perfect song. (Jeremy Camp's Beyond Measure) So Thank God. He is the Great Provider. Every good and perfect thing comes from God the Father.

AP European Test

2008-05-09T00:02:00.002-05:00

....Is tomorrow and it starts at 1. I really wish that I had 2 more days, that would be enough, but as of now I'm just not sure if I can pass it. I've been in cram mode all of today and yesterday, minus when Kelsey persuaded me to skip studying for bunco night. Which I actually ended up winning a subway gift card which made lunch especially yummy today! But I really want to pass this test. I feel like I actually have a shot at this one but that I'm just slightly unprepared. However, when looking at the big picture I have realized something. This is the first time in my life that I have actually REALLY studied for anything. (any still worried about passing) I think that no matter how I look at it, that this a growing experience. I'm getting a taste of what college might be like. Late nights with my spider coffee cup, (thanks Kristy) hours spent at Barnes and noble reading a book that I'm too cheap to actually buy, and really wanting to learn something.

Through out high school I've had a number of good teachers. However, this year Coach Lamon has trumped them all. Not that he is a better teacher, or that I have learned more in his class, or that I like his teaching; though all that is true, but he just genuinely loves learning and he has the ability to share that with people. That is what I love most about him. Also, I know he genuinely wants us to succeed and grow as people; not just students. He has instilled in me a real desire to learn and to not waste my talents. So, thanks coach.

12:55 am

2008-05-07T00:55:00.002-05:00

It's late and just like every other day since Saturday I'm still awake, and have no intention of going to bed for at least another hour or so. I have recently become a night crawler. I usually cherish my sleep but lately I've just found other things to do, or other reasons to stay awake. Tonight I have several reasons to be awake.
-I have alot on my mind and by staying busy I can block them out for now. However they will flood my mind when my head hits the pillow.
-I'm trying to back up all my music and pictures on this funky machine thing.
-I'm also trying to transfer all my music to my laptop....this is a huge pain so far.

My day was really good until about 9 o'clock and then it all went south. At the present moment I feel like a terrible human being who refuses to learn from her mistakes.

Days Like Today

2008-05-06T17:15:00.002-05:00

On a day like today, I feel a little bipolar...just like the weather. A bit of rainy day syndrome and a little bit of sunshine excitement. But Mostly I feel like becoming lost inside my own thoughts on life and love or lack there of. I feel like becoming lost inside new music. I feel like taking a nap. I feel like reading outside. I feel like just sitting at home and enjoying my own solitude but in a good productive way. But instead I think I'll grab a cup of coffee and go to church for mid school bible study. On days like today I feel a little out of place with the world.

hmm

2008-05-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

I think to much....

Pieces of Prom 1

2008-05-05T21:40:00.002-05:00

This past saturday was prom number 1 for me. Marcus high school's prom. I went with the cbc youth group and more specifically with this kid named Ethan. Over all it was really fun. A little awkward in parts, mainly cause I knew about 15 people in a room of 4oo or so, but all in all it was a good night. Once we started to dance and things loosened up a bit everything went pretty smoothly from there. After the dance we went to Nathan and Kim's house to party some more. (Thank you Nathan and Kim) This part of the night was even more fun I think cause we just got to hang out with eachother and there was the added bonus of me actually knowing everyone! woo! We played a little poker, which quickly turned into a really funny joke for me and Bethany! We watched movies and ate. I got about 15 minutes of sleep that night then went to church to serve the offerring and do communion. It was really good that they had us stay for the whole service to give out communion, cause I really needed to hear what Pastor Steve was talking about. He spoke about forgiveness, and well I needed to forgive some people for something. It was all stuff I had already heard before; he didn't say a single new thing. But its good to get a reminder of stuff you've forgotten every once in a while.

Prom 1 was really good. Now it's time to focus on prom 2.

Tired of being a senior

2008-05-01T18:18:00.003-05:00

Seniority, Senioritis, Senior Status....All are enjoyable parts of being a senior, but I'm starting to notice the downside of senior year! There is just to much stuff that comes along with being a senior. Some of which is fun to do and some not so much, but all of which just take to much of my time and the overload is stressful. At the top of the priority list are things like applying for colleges and scholarships, FAFSA applications, going on visits and applying for housing and such. Also near the top of the list are things like senior pictures, buying ans sending grad announcements, buying a cap and gown, (for some, making sure you actually are going to graduate). But on top of all that there is all this random small stuff that just adds up like crazy! Senior scrapbooks for English class, AP tests, senior boards at church, finding pics for slide shows, senior speeches, picking songs for senior cd's and slide shows, appointments with counselors, etc. I can't even think of it all right now but I know there is more. Don't get me wrong, I am really enjoying senior year, and I'll be happy that I have all the mementos later. I'm just tired of it right now. I'm ready to be a care free freshman again.

Pretty Woman

2008-04-29T23:52:00.002-05:00

Lately I have enjoyed a renewed level of self confidence, and I'm loving it! Diet plan is going pretty well with the loss of nine pounds, so I feel really good about myself. On top of that I've been getting some unsuspected attention from a certain boy. Also I was asked to escort my friend in our Mr. All-American pageant, so I got to get all dressed up and walk him across stage, which was fun. Yesterday was great too. All the CBC prom going girls got all dressed up to take pictures. I felt really beautiful, and that made me really happy! YAY! To top it off, I bought a random black dress tonight. It's really cute and simple. I love it alot!

Procrastination

2008-04-16T17:10:00.002-05:00

Lately I have procrastinated doing:
-bible study
-home work
-Mexico support letters
-buying a camera
-reading
-cleaning my bathroom
-posting ski trip pictures
-working on the choir slide show
-updating myspace
-studying for AP exams
-applying for scholarships
-applying for FAFSA
-applying for off campus living
-scheduling a meeting with my UNT advisor

Short Thoughts

2008-04-14T22:57:00.003-05:00

Just some random short thoughts for today

-going to the gym after pigging out on pizza is a very good/very bad idea!
-I miss Kim's blog
-I just owned the essay over ww1 I had to write for AP European history
-I think I might enjoy reading Frankenstein for English, but I don't enjoy the assignment that goes along with it....sad day
-I think I'm going to go read in the bath tub when I finish writing this.
-I hate AP economics
-I hate missing 2 weeks of tues night bible study for stupid practice AP exams
-I'm excited about leaving for South Padre on Thursday for choir trip even though I secretly don't think it's gonna be that great
-healthy snacks just aren't as fun
-I've lost 3 pounds since I started going to the gym
-I'm pretty much over not being able to go to Italy this summer. God opened up another opportunity to go on an awesome road trip with some of my best friends.
-I'm not sure I'll miss many of my school friends when college rolls around. I think that's cause I'm not very plugged in.
-I love flowers on the side of the road, it makes driving 10xs more enjoyable!
-my favorite flowers (on the side of the road) are the little dark red ones.
-I need to get my prom dress altered SOON
-I really enjoy working out with my brother, I love that we are at an age that we can hang out and its normal.
-Life's going pretty good at the moment. woo!

Ah, no school

2008-04-11T09:53:00.003-05:00

So it's really great when "the good kid" wins. I never skip school, I get good grades, and I'm always respectful even to those who I dislike. But today I needed to not go to first block, AP European history because I just was not prepared to turn in our take home test. So because I never skip school, and I get good grades, and I'm respectful, I got to stay home. Extra sleep, and peace of mind are only two of the benefits of being the "good kid". Woo-hoo!

On another note, next week I get to skip school 3 days in a row for choir stuff. I'm going to padre for our choir trip! WOO!!!

Gotta love no school!

He's at it again

2008-04-09T22:30:00.002-05:00

That's right folks, God is doing stuff in my life again. (not that He ever stops) But this time it's REALLY noticeable. Turns out I wont be going to Italy after all. Apparently not enough people signed up for the trip so the company is canceling it. Which really really sucks. But after many tears and alot of thinking I've decided that God didn't want me in Italy this summer or at the very least not on that trip so He changed my plans. I've also decided that what ever it is that I will be doing July12-Aug 3 will be way better then chillen in Italy. I've prayed about it alot and asked God to make clear whatever it is I'm supposed to do now. Maybe I'll find another company and take a different trip, or maybe a road trip with Bethany, or maybe I'll just stay at home and work music camp again. I dunno. But I'm just waiting on the Lord to show me what that path is, and trusting in His plan.

Dang it, Double Secret Probation!!!

2008-04-07T22:08:00.002-05:00

Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to describe how crazy busy my life has been lately and sadly blogging just didn't make the list of super important must do stuff.

Ok so life has been busy, but it's also been pretty great. First off God is in the middle of teaching me some pretty important stuff right now. Lately I've gotten into the habit of doing church rather then building a relationship with Him. This is of course a huge problem which I'm trying to fix. Mrs. G's Senior bible study is rocking my life! I just have to put it out there. I'm learning so much about everything in that bible study and it's making me so excited about studying the Word of God. I've actually for the first time in my life gotten into a fairly regular pattern of personal study.

I'm also really excited about PROMS!!! I just got my dress on Thursday and it's gorgeous! I love it! I'm going with the church folk to Marcus' prom on the 3rd which I'm super excited about. Also the party at Nathan and Kim's house! WOO-HOO!!! I'm also going to my own prom of course, to which I have a date! yay! Now it's just a as friends thing but that's ok, I have someone to slow dance with! whoot! This will actually be the first dance I have ever had a date for...kinda lame I know, but that just makes this one super exciting! But let me just tell you how crazy he is. He is one of my favorite people in the world but he is also one of the most unique and insane people I have ever met! So insane that he plans to wear a ZUIT SUIT!!! You know.....zuit suit riot, RIOT! I think it's a little ridiculous but as his date I'm ok with it. Why should it matter. It totally fits his style and personality and it'll be funny as all get out. Makes for some memorable pictures! Anyway all my best friends are going to be with us in a group and it's gonna be really fun! To bad it costs so freaking much!

Now I must tell you that I secretly love watching the biggest loser on tv! I think its a really good show and I dunno I guess I just like sitting on my couch eating a snack watching other people lose weight. lol Well it, along with prom, and the desire to look cute on the beach this summer have finally motivated me to get active. I started out just on a diet. A sorta diet. Then it turned into I was on a diet. Then, "huh? diet?" lol But all that is back on track now! woo! My brother and I actually joined a rec center near my house cause its much cheaper then the big gyms and it has all we really need anyway. That was a weak ago on Monday. Since then I have been almost every day. I really enjoy it too. Makes me feel better about myself and also my brother and I have gotten a chance to hang out and do something productive together!

Speaking of my brother, he is 22 and about to close on his brand spanking new house in a few weeks. It's amazing! I'm so proud of him. He has come through so much and to think that at 22 he is the proud owner of a house. It's really cute how subtly excited he is about it. Just about every 3 days since they started building it he has gone over and taken pictures of everything new. He has a whole photo album of the construction of his house. Its really cool. It has the perfect location with a pond and fountain right behind it out the window.

Finally Praise God! I'm pretty sure that this singing for money thing at my directors church on Sunday mornings is going to become pretty regular! How amazing it is that God really does provide for everything we need.

Recent Happenings

2008-03-02T22:53:00.002-06:00

In fear of being put on Brent's double secret probation list I decided that I needed to blog again. So here's what's on my mind.

-Kristy Alpert is officially the most beautiful bride in the world. She was truly radiant on Saturday, March 1st, 2008 as she exchanged vows with Mark. Only God knows how much of an impact she truly has had upon my life and how much I love her. I just praise God that He has blessed her with such a beautiful, God-centered marriage.

-Flower Girls rock! I can't even put into words how amazing our rehearsal dinner party at mrs. g's was. We went around in a circle and introduced ourselves and told what God was doing in our lives at the moment or just shared where we were at. It was the most encouraging night I've had in the last year. There was something beautiful about 20 girls in one room who all love Christ and who are all struggling. As the girls told their stories and shared their experiences there was hope and peace within their pain. Each girl glowed with the joy of Christ even as they shared their struggles. Myself, being of the youngest in the bunch, I found these girls to be so encouraging. I know that there is hope in Christ and these girls proved to me the absolute truth in that.

-God Provides. Most of you are aware of the amazing blessings God has given my this year with all the traveling I will be doing. However each of these trips cost ALOT. Luckily my family is financially able to send me to all these places, but it's still straining on them. On top of that I ask for money all the time anyway for food and stuff since I have no way of making money. But praise our God who gives! The other day, completely out of the blue a lady from our church calls me. She said she saw me work with the children during Music Camp and needs a babysitter! On top of this completely random opportunity, the job also happened to be at a time when I'm actually not busy!!! Praise God! So I was all pumped up about this and then a day or two later I got presented with another opportunity to make some money singing at a church every Sunday morning in March!!! This is extremely amazing and a true blessing!

-Lent. Thanks to my cool friend Bailey I was inspired to give up music in the car for lent. This has without a doubt been a blessing for me. God has been teaching me the importance of focusing on Him. I've been able to use much of this quite car time to pray and just reflect on stuff. I've grown so much during this short time. I've learned the importance of prayer, and I no longer struggle with that whole "awkward talking to God" thing. Focusing on God has changed my life! I have suddenly become so aware of how He is working in my life and how often he answers my prayers. Also how God provides before I even need to ask. I've been able to find joy in Christ. Hallelujah

In conclusion.....Praise God!

Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and Good Night

2008-02-10T10:00:00.000-06:00

It's Sunday? Who knew?

Yesterday morning all I could do was complain about the lack of sleep I got that night. I had gone to Denton High's Fillies Follies show, (the drill team's big show) to support a few friends of mine. I got back home at around 11pm and was in bed by 11:30. I needed to get up by 6am on Saturday morning. I had a competion for choir, solo and ensomble, so I needed to be well rested and in good singing condition. (especially with the mass sickness that everyone has going around) I had to get dressed up and be at school by 7:15, which meant leaving the house at 6:50. All was good...until about 2am when my dear brother calls me 3 times in a row. Now my phone was on viberate so I only sorta knew someone was calling, but not really. Finally the third time he called me I answered with a grumbly hellllloooo....? He told me to get up cause he and 5 or so people were coming over to hang out and that I should join them. [I'll take a side note here and explain that this is a fairly common occurance in my life so I wasn't at all surprised by this and would have enjoyed hanging out with them since they are all very fun people if I hadn't needed to be awake so early.] So I told him that I had to wake up early and so I could not hang out with them. However, it didn't make much difference and I could've hung out anyway since I could not sleep from 2-4:30 due to their very loud presence in my house. I spent that time going in and out of sleep in very small increments. I would just barely be asleep, and then rudely awakened again by a door slamming or sudden laughter. By about 4:30, the group had calmed down, most people had left and only a few remained but they were asleep. So I had finally been able to fall asleep for a fair amount of time....until 4:49. For whatever reason I woke up at 4:49 and looked at the clock across the room and was fully convinced that it was 6:49! I had to leave my house at 6:50 to be at the school on tme and make the bus! So I frantically ran to the bathroom to start getting ready and a few minutes later I looked at the clock again. This time however, it occured to me that it was only 4 something. I then crawled back to bed and sleept until my alarm went off.

So that was yesterday's big topic of discussion for me. I was tired all day, but I did perform well. I got back home from the contest around 1pm and sat down to watch a movie. Later I wondered around the house looking for something to do, but all I wanted to do was take a nap. So I went to lay back down in bed. I didn't set an alarm cause I didn't have to be anywhere in particular, and I figured that I would just wake up in a few hours or so. I woke up at 8:54 am this morning. I slept for a grand total of 18 hours! Although I'm sorta bummed that I lost a whole day I am really enjoying this day. Usually I'll sleep till 10-12 on sunday morning, but today I was up and awake by 9. I feel great today too. I made myself some coffee and fixed a real breakfast and sat down and wrote this blog and I'm just really enjoying this day so far.

Sleep is a blessing. I feel caught up and refreshed. And I'm ready to enjoy this day, and use it to it's full potential.

In Response

2008-02-04T19:38:00.000-06:00

I do believe that I have been tagged, and that because of this I am expected to write a blog about the things I truly love....? So it goes.

Things that I love:
-The feeling of a fuzzy blanket and fuzzy socks curled up with a good book in front of the fire on a cold winter night. (which hasn't happened this year)
-A beautiful melody and a gorgeous voice to match
-an hour long bubble bath after a stressful day
-when Erin hugs me and really means it
-Campfire smell on a cold day
-January sunset, some of God's best artwork
-listening to melo music on the lake
-When you can feel the sun on your skin but your not hot
-Seeing the fireworks reflect off the lake on July 4th
-When movies or books make me cry
-I love the feeling you get when people really are proud off of you
-the odd smell of nail salons
-being alone
-watching people laugh when something really is that funny
-the weird looks people give you when you're singing and dancing in the car
-when people open up and start acting real
-when I can open up and act real
-dried out flowers (they are prettier dead then alive)
-watching Erin sleep
-walking in a room and being greeted with cheers

There are more I'm sure, but for now that is all I have time to think about.

Since a very select few read my blog, I'll tag people in a hopeless attempt to make this chain continue. I tag: Nathan, Mish, Casey, and Brent

Ps. The spell check button isn't working, please ignore. :)

Talking a Big Talk

2008-02-01T16:56:00.000-06:00

....and not walking a big walk. Well today I was talking to someone who just really hates their life and how they live it, and so I gave my advice. This persons problem was that they let stress rule their lives. They do not know how to do the neccessary and also do the fun. So my advice was to reprioritize and organize their life. Give things a time and place and have guide lines, at least some kind of a schedule. I know this person very well and if they would just do this, it would help! A lot! But I should take my own advice. I too let being busy over stress me sometimes and I often am my own worst enemy adding unneccessary stuff to my to do list. I think many of us should stop and take a look at our lives and the stuff we do. Cut out the fat....get rid of the useless stuff. Give ourselves alone time, and friend time, and work time, and family time, and GOD time. So many of us today run around like chickens with our heads cut off. We have so much to do that we don't actually get anything done. We want to do so many things so we only put half our effort into things. We need reform. A lifestyle revolution. It's hard though. I know, because I've tried. But every time I have tried in the past I always skipped right past step 1. So here is my advice to all of you who also need to reform your lifestyle. Step 1: Give God Control, Ask For His Help.

Truth or Dare

2008-01-29T23:40:00.000-06:00

A game of the ages. I don't know anyone who has never played, whether formal game play, or spontaneous dares. But few have ever viewed this game as anything but a silly child's game or a teens game of pushing limits. However this is changing with the simple spark of genius by a dear friend and the effort put forth by several. Truth or dare, a game used most often to humiliate and test morals is now being used to strengthen walks with Christ. How amazing is this change.

In our Tuesday night small group my fellow leaders and I have decided to create journals to give to our girls. In these journals each week the girls will have a truth or a dare to complete throughout the week. Truth refers to the Bible which is truth, God's word. In theses tasks the girls are challenged to read passages and to dive into the bible and journal about how this truth effected them that week and what they learned. For a dare, we base it off of a passage usually centered on what we learned that week. For example last week in bible study we talked about loving each other and how God calls us to love. So the dare for this week was to go out and love. To be conscious and taking advantage of every opportunity to love people.

Anyway, it's working out really great so far and I'm excited to see where God takes us.

On Bleeding

2008-01-26T21:33:00.000-06:00

I gave blood this past Friday.I'll be honest and say that I was kinda freaked out by it. I don't like needles and I don't like pain and I really don't like this idea of them "missing" your vain. But never the less, here's my experience. I didn't get the chance to go do it until around third block, so about 1pm. I left my third block class since we weren't doing anything and made my way to the big gym. When I walked in I saw people lying in weird reclining chairs and my first thought was of Sweeney Todd and the chair that drops all the dead people to the basement.....Anyway, since I was a first time donor I had to fill out a lot of paper work and answer several questions. The lady at the desk was sorta rude, but maybe she was just tired or something. After the paper work I went to the next booth and they asked more questions. They were sorta worried about my several trips down to Juarez but it turned out that everything was fine. After that this lady pricked my finger to see if my iron level was good enough to donate blood and to make sure I wasn't anemic. Everything was great, I'm in good health and so I moved on to the final stage and sat down in the Sweeney Todd chair. The women who was going to take my blood was a large, black woman with several gold teeth (one of which had a cross imprint). She was an interesting character but she was very nice and she made me feel comfortable. That is until she couldn't find my vain....apparently my veins are really deep. It took forever to find it! I spent several minutes squeezing the stress ball, and she kept making the tourniquet thing tighter and tighter. Finally it popped up and she went to grab the blood bag and tubes and things and when she got back the darn vain had disappeared again. I nervously made jokes to try and lighten my mood but at this point I was really freaking out. All I could think about was that she would have trouble finding my vain and that she would miss and it would hurt a lot! I kind of cried, not a lot but a few nervous tears. She finally found the vain again and then put the needle in and the blood was flowing. It really wasn't that bad, in fact the finger prick before had hurt worse. However, I looked over before she had covered it up and it was pretty gross looking. I could see my skin and then a needle sticking out of it....eww. I had to continue to squeeze the stress ball to keep the blood flow going. This got increasingly difficult because my arm had fallen asleep and it was tingly feeling. In fact it continued to get worse and that needle feeling started on my finger tips! That was the worst part about the whole process. I could also feel the blood pulsing out of my body. It was like feeling your heart beat, but you know that its your blood instead. I started to get a little light headed but they put a wash cloth on my head and gave me some powerade and I felt much better. Aside from the asleep arm feeling the other worst part was that I was freezing to death! My Sweeney Todd chair was right in front of the open doors to the outside. Over all though it was a good experience and I would surely do it again.

I'M RICH!!! Who Knew?

2008-01-25T00:44:00.000-06:00

I read an article today that was written in 2006 (so now the numbers may be slightly different). My economics teacher, also my Euro teacher, who is one of the best teachers I've had through out my education gave it to us to read. It was very interesting to me because it told me that I was among the richest of the world in many ways. In fact it went so far as to say that research indicates that a person only needs $2,200 of total net worth to be among the top half of the wealthiest people in the world. And only $61,000 to be in the top 10%.

We in America tend to compare our state of wealth with celebrities, and powerful businessmen, and Bill Gates...and because of this we sometimes view ourselves as poor, or "just middle class". But what we aren't realizing is that half of the world is living off of $2 a day! It floors me to think that at age 18, I myself am close to owning $2,200 in capital, if not there already. However, I am still completely dependant upon my parents as my main way of attaining money. And yet, I am among the richest in the world. Not to mention that my family would hit the 10% mark at least.

This article said that the three richest men in the world, Gates, Warren Buffet, and Carlos Slim Helu, each have more money than the poorest 48 nations combined!!! How does one person have more money than 48 nations??? What do they do with it?

This article just got me thinking. It got me thinking about how much I take for granted, not only the big stuff, but every day things too. It also got me thinking about how little I (or we as the wealthy half) do to spread the wealth.

I've been reading a lot in Thessalonians and John, and serventhood has come up several times. I tend to get into my grove and go about my weekly business, and I put in my service hours with Tues night, or random tasks around the house. But that is just not good enough. Yes, those things are great, but I should be constantly serving. Always searching for opportunities to spread the wealth, money or not. This leads me to another thing that has been pacing through my mind. National Honor Society at my school is holding a blood drive tomorrow. I really really really do not want to do it, because I do not like needles. But lately God has really put it on my heart to go through with it. I am in great health and I am "rich" in blood, but so many people out there are not. It is selfish of me to let my fear stop me from serving those people. We all should be looking out for ways that we can share our wealth regardless of what form of wealth we are talking about.

So look out for my next blog featuring my first experience ever with the removal of blood from my body.

On People That Think They Are Better

2008-01-24T00:36:00.001-06:00

I've been noticing lately that all around me there are swarms of people who apparently have the mind set that they are better then the people around them. Either they are better some how, or they have some divine right to be exempt from all the common courtesies of society. Just today I have two fresh examples of this most annoying reality.

There is one particular lunch line at school that sells chicken sandwiches, pizza, and an assortment of snacks. This line goes up to a cart instead of the traditional kitchen service line. So the line (which is blatantly obvious) goes off to the side of the cart and continues across the side of the cafeteria; and there I stand, some where in the middle of this line, patiently waiting for my turn to pay for my food. Then walks up Joe Shmo who thinks he is so much more important then all the other people who have been waiting in line. But he doesn't just slip in with a friend some where in line....NO....he boldly walks straight up to the cart and cuts in front of the next person in line and buys his food. This problem wouldn't be as bad if Joe was just a lone rude kid in the midst of many well mannered students, but he is not. Joe has a following of about half the school and so as I wait (not so patiently) in line for food, about 10 different people walk up and repeat Mr Shmo's bold rudeness. And so I wait, and wait, and the line never moves! Ugh. It also bothers me that the lady at the cart sees the whole thing happen over and over and yet continues to serve these high and mighty people before the rest of us!

The second example I have experienced today happened while driving...of course. It happens quite often actually and I notice every day as I make my way toward church. There is a little street called 407, and another which I don't know the name of but it's that street you turn to to go to Briar hill, or KK. Anyway, 407 becomes one lane after that street light and the previous right lane becomes a turn only lane. Well, the turn only sign is actually quite far back on the road so people should be aware of the soon ending of that lane and yet they continue to ride that lane to skip the line of traffic waiting for the green light and then squeeze in front of everyone else right before the lane ends completely. This just really bugs me. I'd like to think that maybe the person is just not from around here and didn't realize the lane ended, this happened to me so I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt...but when you sit in traffic and watch car after car buzz by you and then see not one of them turn from the before mentioned TURN ONLY lane....it really starts to annoy.

But like I said earlier, there must be something about them that because of my ignorance I just haven't noticed yet. They must be better than I, or just divinely exempt from those common courtesies....

I Just Killed a Tree

2008-01-21T21:59:00.000-06:00

Yep that's right....In the name of AP European History I just printed off 14 pages of notes, mostly double sided and all about the French Revolution.

Since I have nothing inspiring to talk about here are some things I've been thinking about lately.
-McMurry University is a small private school outside of Abeline. They continue to send me applications, and scholarship info, and academic info, and housing info, activity info, and music info.....(i could go on) I have received more info from this small school than I have from every other school combined.....(if I'm exaggerating it's only by a little bit) In fact they have personally called me several times and tonight I was on the phone with the admissions guy talking about scholarships and things. It seems to me that they would like me to go to there school. It has also crossed my mind that maybe the extreme about of persistence from them could in fact be a little message from God. But I'm not convinced. I don't want to go there mainly because its in a super small town. Aside from that it seems like a good school I guess. Tonight during my little conference call the man told me I was likely to get a $7,000 scholarship! Which would be awesome....if it didn't cost $27,000 a year! I'm also thinking that if colleges didn't send out so much advertising crap that it wouldn't cost so darn much!

-I went to a wedding this weekend up in Tipton Indiana, I'm sure you've never heard of good ol' Tipton, and well, you're not missing much. It was a nice little wedding, my uncle Tom was tying the knot for the 3rd time. It's interesting the my dad is 40-something and has been married once, the middle brother is 40 something and has never been married....and doesn't plan on it, and the youngest brother is 40 something and has been married three times. Anyway, I got to sit on the front row since my family and my grandma were the only family of groom present. I don't think that the organist playing the entrance music had ever seen an organ, or sheet music in his life, but the vocalist did a fine job. For Brent's sake I'd like to note that no flash photography was taken through the hole event. (maybe someone in Tipton reads your blog )

-During my trip I realized just how attached to material possessions I am. At some point between the wedding and the middle of the reception my $300 brand spanken new camera got lost or stolen. I cried. I really was devastated. I only had it since Christmas and I really really really loved it. I'm not sure if I was more upset about losing the camera or the 200 pictures I had on there from all state auds, choir stuff, and pine cove.

Poetry

2008-01-08T17:05:00.000-06:00

Time Line

Standing on a line, years surrounding, yet still.
Past marked by a view of color and thrill.
The eye overwhelmed, caught by a moment,
And again by one less current.
Listen in to a history all your own,
Examining a time well known.
Vibrant music, a tune you can see.
This life known unto me.
Joy gives flight to a new dance,
Spirals only stop to catch a glance.
Still standing on that line, years still present,
Looking ahead at time not yet spent.
The dance is gone, fear sweeps over head.
This sea of gray I dread.
Wanting only to turn around,
Tightly to this line my feet are bound.
Forced into this time, I was unaware,
Afraid to move toward this affair.
Bended knee and silent prayer,
An open eye, the line less bare.
Flash of hope, color of truth,
Just fear embedded in my youth.

Jan 9, 2008 Lauren Gish

2008, yep it's GREAT!!!

2008-01-05T22:34:00.000-06:00

So, my year is starting off beautifully. It's only January 5th and I can very happily say that I am once again a member of the TMEA All-State Women's Choir!!!! WOO Our last audition was today in Abeline, and although I did not do as well as I had hoped, I'm still so super excited about making a choir and going to San Antonio with a bunch of friends in the middle of February.

Also I'm so super excited about PINE COVE 08 this coming week end! WOO HOO!!!!

I don't have much to say so I'll leave you with a poem I wrote the other day. I have had a major writers block basically over the past year, and finally I have written something I'm kinda proud of. Actually I have written several things lately. YAY

It doesn't reflect my life (so don't freak out) but it does reflect the lives of some people I know. My heart went out to one of them and so I wrote this.

Best Friends Forever

Lauren Gish

Laugh it up, have your fun

Disregarding everyone.

Play your games, go ahead

Until you wind up dead.

You think this wont affect me,

and you think that no one cares.

But that wont change reality

and the damage that is there.

I see you waste your life away

on a lie society tells.

And I had hoped you would be smarter then that,

but disappointment never fails.

Now I'm tired of being used,

and I'm tired of being hated.

I'm tired of being lied to,

It's not appreciated.

So I've made up my mind,

you've made it very clear.

Best friend forever,

No longer wanted here.

The Unavoidable New Year Blog

2008-01-02T22:24:00.000-06:00

I guess the appropriate way to start this blog would be to over view 2007. The problem with this is that I can hardly remember what happened yesterday. Of course this is an over dramatic statement, but there is some truth to the severity of my personal lack of memory of this past year. I have spent my year like so many other people in the world, RUNNING!!!! And of course not the good, healthy kind of running, but the intense, hectic, stressful running around like a chicken with its head cut off! In a nutshell 2007 was busy. Which brings me to new years resolution #1 Enjoy the busyness of my life. Although my life is busy, I don't see why I can't still enjoy it. But I have been so rapped up in what I have NEXT, that I have often ignored what I am doing NOW. This is a huge problem because I have stopped enjoying the things that I do. But in 2008 it is my resolution to stop and focus on the present moments and enjoy the NOWs in life. NEXT will come in its own time. Resolution #2 Make an effort to be more outgoing and make myself more accessible to others. I have spent so much of 2007 alone. I do love my alone time, but I have become some what of a recluse. In the down time that I do have amongst the busyness, I have gotten in the habit of turning down opportunities to hang out and I have just chilled at home alone. The problem with this is that then I complain when people stop calling and inviting me to things. So in 2008 I refuse to be a recluse! Along with not reclusing myself, this resolution also has another side to it. I must become more outgoing. I have decided that as a person I SUCK at small talk and getting to know new people. But I have now decided that I was retarded when I made that first decision about myself and that not being good at it is just a matter of lack of effort and practice. So in 2008 I'm gonna get out there and meet new people and get to know them. This is absolutely necessary in 2008 since I have college and my amazing trip to Italy coming up!

So back to 2007. Here are some things that I enjoyed or didn't enjoy or just happened or didn't happen.....w/e
-I got pulled over by a cop for the first time ever! But he let me off with a warning. I was going 42 in a 35 in my neighborhood. I don't speed as much anymore. : )
-I went to Ireland. This was the first time I have traveled to Europe and I fell in love with it! I also fell in love with traveling the world. Ireland was amazing. Everything was so beautiful there and I had so much fun. I was able to grow closer to my best friend and with Christ through a devotional that we did together in the hotels at night.
-I became an adult this past November. That's right, I can vote....and buy sharpies! (line stolen from the bestie)
-I grew closer with my brother in 07. It amazes me that just 4 years ago we HATED each other. He has come so far from where he was in high school to where he is now and I am SO proud of him. I thank God that He has restored our friendship in the past couple of years and especially 2007.
-New friendships arose this year. Just to name a few, I have become good friends with Kelsey, Bethany, and Sarah. Kelsey and I became friends almost instantly during Music Camp this year. Although we had known each other and been friends before music camp, those 100 something hours together impacted our relationship so much and I don't know how I would have gone through this half of 07 without her! It would have been way boring without her! I have enjoyed so much our dinners at Quizznos, even though I sorta have problems showing up sometimes....She is my most interesting friends by far and always has something intriguing to say. Bethany and I have known each other through bible study for at least 3 years now but never really got to know each other. But some how this year we just became friends. I cant even remember how it happened. But now she is one of my favorite people in the world! I love all the little chats that we have had regarding the future and life and family and God and everything else at the most random of times and places (like KK [that's Kids Kastle for those who just don't know] ). Sarah and I met in 2006 in Galveston on our choir trip but 2007 has brought an amazing friendship and with that growth in Christ! She is my most encouraging friend. She is who I complain to when life isn't going my way and who I jump up and down with when something amazing happens. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for the many nights we have spent watching rented lame girly movies and eating pints of ice cream together. She always helps me decide between cookies in cream and cookie dough! I love her a whole lot!
-I made the Texas All-State Womens Choir.
-2007 has brought alot of understanding about myself and boys. Just some things that I learned: I don't do long distance (even if its as close as Dallas). I hate it when boys constantly text me. I don't have time for that. It's very important that a boy knows Christ. Impulse is never a good thing. Forgiveness is always worth it. And finally, the only boy I need to be happy is Jesus Christ.
-I got to enjoy being a part of my youth group. This year was the first year that I have ever really felt like I had a family at CBC. I love it.
-I recorded a CD!
-Sarah and I went to so many shows and concerts this year. Music has really puts its mark on 2007 thanks to Sarah, the ability to drive, and free nokia tickets from daddy!

I'm sure there's more, but I must move on. So here are some things that I'm looking forward to in 2008!!!!
-GRADUATION!!!!!! WOOO!!!!
-An Amazing 22 day trip to Italy and Greece in July!
-College! I will be attending the University of North Texas. I had a bit of bitterness about it for a while but I am completely over that. A friend helped me to see the good of UNT and that it can be just as much fun as anywhere else. Also I have come to terms that staying home is God's plan for me right now. So UNT it is! Go EAGLES!
-Mark and Kristy's wedding! I'm so excited to be a flower girl and be able to share in this amazing part of Kristy's life. She has been such an angel in my life and I'm so glad that she found so much happiness and that God has blessed her with such an amazing guy as Mark! She deserves it!
-Ski trip at CBC. YAY
-Pine Cove 08!

As far as I can tell 2008 will be an amazing year and I can't wait to really dive in.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE.

On The Thoughts of Late

2007-12-09T23:53:00.000-06:00

...Have you noticed that myspace and facebook are exactly the same now. They both have slowly morphed into each other. Interestingly enough, as this has happened I have lost 90% of my own interest in them. I just don't have the time to devote to it these days.

...My next point, time. Most people my age usually accommodate for their lack of time to do things by just not sleeping. This seems like a great idea because it adds a whole 8 hours on to usable day! To bad for me that sleeping happens to be one of my favorite pass times. In fact in the rare moments when I do have down time to do nothing, I will usually be sleeping. This has become a problem recently as "senoiritis" has started to kick in (side note: I truly believe that senioritis is 100% mental and if people never used the term we wouldn't think about it) I would much rather sleep then do the things that need to get done.

...The before mentioned Christmas cd is done....Thank God.

...This Christmas is the first time that I have ever bought presents for my family with my own money. It's kinda nice.

...Downloaded a new ringtone for my phone....super excited about it!

...Having issues finding a mug worthy of mug exchange wed! AHHH

...I have been feeling like writing a poem lately, but I've had nothing to write about. Sad Day.

...The stress level of everyone in my house has started to effect relationships.

...My brother has bought a lot and is having a house built. He is 22! Although I'm not super happy that he is living back at our house till April when the house is supposed to be done, I am really proud of him. for his past, he has really bounced back. He is by far the most successful people of his age that I know. He has proven every teenage statistic wrong. However, I know that all of this is because of God. Ryan must have something amazing set out for him. It amazes me that with everything he has done in his life that he is still alive, among other things. Two things I'm thankful for, my brother, and that God has protected him so well.

...Ive been on an artistic adventure. In my ap gov class I sit with two girls who are extremely talented and they have helped me along. I'm quite impressed with myself. Before I thought that I would forever be stuck at stick figures. But no! I have moved well past that! YAY! I'm not great or maybe even good, but I'm just happy that I'm improving. : ) (Kelsey would be proud of me if ever showed her any of it)

...Ive been so stressed out lately, but I wanted to read something. I did not want however, to have to think hard about what I was reading, so I found a solution! I'm reading a book called The Misfits, I bought back when I was in 7th grade and never actually read it. : ) Its a 10-14 year reading level! lol Its sorta ridiculous, but its easy and I'm enjoying its simplicity. But in light of said simplicity I have chosen to read something Of literary worth soon. I would say next, but my mother wants me to read a Christmas book, so I might do that, then read either Pride and Prejudice or The Scarlet Letter. I also bought another of my favorite authors (Francine Rivers) books, The Prince, from her biblical men series. So I'm excited about getting to that one too. It's about Jonathon.

On Life Recently

2007-11-26T22:41:00.000-06:00

Sunday service was really good I thought. I enjoy when Mike teaches; I think he gives a very scholarly feel that I enjoy now and then to mix things up a bit. Anyway He taught about thanksgiving and what it means to live a thankful life and how to do that. I really liked his metaphor of the clothing making machine and weaving the thread of thankfulness into our every day lives. Gave me a new prospective. So I'm thankful for this past Sunday's lesson, and I'm thankful for Mike's scholarly presence.

Also, recording Christmas cds is a pain! Technology has been Trevor and I's biggest problem. Freezing computers, or the program doesn't work. Then after we spend time figuring out that mess we set upon tackling another song. Each song takes around an hour to do. It's quite the ordeal!

I turned 18 last tuesday, and really haven't done anything 18ish yet. I did register to vote, but that's about the only 18 thing worth doing. For my birthday I got the 1st level of the Rosetta Stone Italian Language Learner. (Since I'm going to Italy for 22 days this July) It's pretty darn sweet! I would recomend it to anyone for any language! I've learned more in a week then I ever did in 2 years of spanish at school! It's quick, easy, and even kinda fun. It's like one of those educational video games! I'm really enjoying it. Maybe Ill get the 2nd level for Christmas! I'm gonna be fluent in Italian before I ever step foot on Italy's soil! ....Well Im not sure about that, but I'm really excited about the trip.

Just a Short Thought On My Family

2007-10-21T21:11:00.000-05:00

If someone was to write a biography on my life and my family, I would imagine that most people would think it a satire.

On the 4th of July

2007-10-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

The 4th of July is my favorite holiday hands down. And this year I missed out on it twice. The first of the two actually being on July 4th. Due to ridiculous rains this summer Texoma lake was flooded and the fireworks were canceled. We did go somewhere else on July 3rd, but that doesn't count because the show sucked! Worst firework show I've seen! Then the marina on Texoma that was doing the fireworks was going to have the show on labor day weekend. So of course we went to the lake but my folks got into a fight and they were both PMSing and decided not to go at all. Therefore my favorite holiday was a complete wash! (you really don't understand how bummed out I was)

However...God provides. This past Saturday night I went to the UNT football game with some friends. Which was in its self a God thing since I had a bad day and fully planned on staying at home alone and sulking in my misery....but I went anyway. It was a lot of fun! AND UNT WON!!!!! 31-21. WOO HOO!! Anyway, as we were making the trek back to my car a bunch of fireworks started to go off. They set off a ton! (I guess they had a lot to get rid of since they never win!) So I got really excited and sat down in the middle of the side walk (completely in the way) and enjoyed the show. It was great. Just a little piece of heaven.

On Becoming an Adult

2007-10-08T20:53:00.000-05:00

A dear friend recently said that, on becoming an adult, she has been swarmed with an unsettling sense of obligation, and responsibility. I have yet to turn 18, but the day is approaching quickly, but I have already started to feel this too. To me all 18 represents is jobs, college, bills, decision making, adult stuff. Granted, it's exciting at times. But more then that, it's scary.

To be truly transparent, I would have to say that I am scared of the future. For me, it is so uncertain right now. I don't know where I want to go to college, or what I want to do. I have never had a job before, nor had to pay any bills. For that matter I've never really had to pay for anything. On the topic of college however, that is where I find myself mostly insecure. Though my parents are against it, I could if I really wanted to, go out of state for college. I could go anywhere. But I don't truly have a passion for any certain place, or even a passion to get out of Texas, so I'll most likely stay here. But still, Texas is a large state and has many options. Again, my parents are against it, but if I wanted, I could go anywhere in Texas. But honestly, I don't think I would want to. I'm insecure. I want to live on my own, but not away. I want to be independent, but not to far away if I need them. I don't want to leave my sister and let her grow up as an only child. I don't want to have to find a new church and find my place all over again. I'm scared. So I'll say that I want to go to UNT, and that my parents want me to go there. And that's great. But really, I want to go to UNT because I'm afraid to leave, and truly be on my own. I'm afraid to really be an adult.

good news

2007-10-04T21:03:00.000-05:00

I'm happy again! Things are going well.
-today we took choir pictures, and I forgot, but luckily I had gotten up early to look cute anyway....I lucked out!
-I've finally dove into my bible study on Ephesians....something I've been procrastinating since the early summer. I'm only on day four, but I think starting my day in the word is what brought me out of my funk.
-I'm super excited about the possibility/reality of making a Christmas cd
-It's extremely difficult to write a song....ugh
-no longer addicted to charmed! Whoot! I now have 2 more hours in my day
-my ridiculous English class is watching a knights tale for two periods!
-I'm starting to enjoy my friends again

A Side Note

2007-09-30T22:34:00.000-05:00

My hand-eye coordination is really off today. I am not a clumsy person for the most part but today I have run into several walls, doors, random decor items...etc. It's quite ridiculous!

Today

2007-09-30T13:51:00.000-05:00

So far my weekend has turned out quite well I think. I might even be coming out of my funk. YAY! Anyway, today is a great day to:
relax
read the newspaper
catch up on homework
watch tv
read a book
practice my music for all state

But so far I have not done much. I spent my day cleaning the house from the destruction my brother caused. I did get a little music rehearsal in and that brings me here, playing on the computer, when I should be reading The Prince and doing my journals for Euro hist. Oh well, I'm a great procrastinator!

Enjoy your Sunday!

Green Day

2007-09-27T21:42:00.000-05:00

I thought I would dedicate this day to a little band called Green day, since they once wrote a song that within its first few lines sums up my whole day.

"Do you have the time, to listen to me whine. About nothing and everything all at once? I am one of those melodramatic fools, neurotic to the bone no doubt about it. "

Today...had it's highlights, but over all just a very sucky day.

Saw you at the pole

2007-09-26T16:42:00.000-05:00

God freakin rocks.

I've never been to a "see you at the pole" event. I always say I'm going and every year I either forget, or don't wake up on time. Well my senior year, and I finally went. Its was great. It's so encouraging to come together with other believers, most who I didn't know and just pray for our school and worship. Some boys brought guitars and they led us in worship and then we broke off into smaller groups to pray. After that those boys had to leave along with some other people but the rest of us just stayed and sang songs as they came to us. It was pretty fun. Then as the remnant prayed together in a circle, people kept asking God to show us opportunities to tell others about Him, and to just be a shining light in our school for Him. The cool thing was that He actually did give me that opportunity.

In Ap gov, as I was rummaging through my binder I had a flyer for syatp in the pocket and a friend of mine asked me what it was. I was kind of caught off guard since I just assumed most everyone knew about it at least, but I guess not. So through that I was able to explain to her and the other two people at my table why we gathered together earlier that morning. Soon they were asking me questions like why Christians tended to be more fellowshipy (don't hate on my word) then people of other religions, and about salvation through faith vs. faith and works, along with some other stuff. It was pretty great. I just thank God that I was able to speak to them (a group of very liberal, anti-religious kids who also regularly take part in the teenage statistic stuff) and not come off as a close minded Jesus Freak, who only wants to bible beat and condemn them to hell, which is how they feel about most people who talk about God around them I guess.

So the moral of today's story is that when you ask you shall receive.

Just some stuff

2007-09-23T22:41:00.001-05:00

-I'm still in my funk, and it's starting to annoy me!
-I got to hang with my awesome friend Taylor today!
-I love my brother, but I'm DREADING the day I live next door.
-I'm super happy about getting 1st place out of 130 girls during my 1st phase of all state auditions this past sat.
-I think church did a really good job on communion tonight.
-I finally got to finish This Present Darkness by Frank E. Peretti on Saturday. It was pretty good. Made me think a lot.
-I decided to walk to go get the paper today. WORST DECISION EVER!!! I did not realize how long of a walk it really was and I was so hot and sticky by the time I got home. It was miserable!
-I still don't have a clue about what I'm going to do in college. It's annoying.
-I spend WAY more time thinking about what I'll do this summer then I am thinking about school next year! I think I might take a student tour through Italy, Greece and a day trip to Ephesus! Super Cool. I'm not for sure that I'll be able to go yet, but I'm looking into it and really want to. So far things are looking up.
-So excited that ski trip is still on. Although I am bummed that I will miss Battle cry.
-I hate that Ive had such a hard time waking up lately.
-Ive started to embrace senioritis.
-I think Ill go to coffee shop this Thursday.
-right now, I should be doing homework......again, senioritis.
-besides talking to Taylor, Ive basically quite using myspace and facebook.
-Ive been making time for all the wrong things.
-Yesterday was a day that I wished that I was still young and ignorant to what was going on around me.

Teenage Battle Scars

2007-09-21T21:43:00.000-05:00

I'm not a generally naive person who thinks things like "drugs aren't a big deal at our school", or "That's a nice girl, I just can't see her having sex at such a young age", but I do like to think that while these are issues among other things, that's some how it's still under control. By under control I mean that there is a normalcy and limit of teenage bad behavior. However, today I had a run-in that told me differently. Teens these days are really running wild whether we realize it or not.

I was sitting in a class today and we didn't have anything to do. The girls at my table started a conversation about their boyfriends and their drama, typical girl stuff right? Wrong. My boy stuff and drama peeks at a level of: does he like me or not? is he cheating on her? who will I go to homecoming with? But these girls talked for an hour about their boys who ranged from ages of 17-30 and married!!! Keep in mind these are 17 year old girls too. And multiple boys. I wont go into detail but some of these stories I was hearing were incredibly unbelievable. I have even recently heard a story of a girl who waited for a while and went slow in her relationship but finally gave in and was dumped a week later. Most of the girls came from not so hot homes and had history with all the other normal teen stuff. Then finally to top my day off, I found out that a friend was into some tragic habits and it blew me away that I'm close to this person and didn't have a clue.

Now these are just instances from today and I could add many more from days past. But I am just floored that so many teens today are involved in sex, drugs, alcohol, cutting, and not only involved because I was all ready well aware of that, but to be in so deep and to have been in for so many years. Some people I know started this routine at 13! It's sad. Not only a sad statistic but such a sad reality to watch these boys and girls, my peers and my friends be so lost and confused, be so caught up in their messes, and be so alright with it. Its sad.

But where does that put me? I'm wondering today how it was that I have managed to come through most of high school with virtually no battle scars. Sure I keep a pretty clean cut group of friends but I have friends who aren't so good too. And yes, I was brought up in a good home and had the chance to watch and learn from other peoples mistakes. But I attribute my being able to get through high school resisting the teenage stereotype by God's grace alone. I find myself thanking God today for protecting me from this suffering and for allowing me to understand and come to love Him at such a young age and have time to grow. I have been tempted on several occasions with various things and without God I would have fallen to the pressures like so many of my friends have. It amazes me how truly evident God is in my life. But I take it for granted by glorifying myself and MY "good choices". But no, I have done nothing.

So today I encourage you to look at your life and search out the ways that God is evident in your life. How has He protected you against temptations or suffering? Or how has He helped you out of those places when you do fail? Don't take God for granted today. Praise Him, and let your "good choices" be to His glory!

Happy Thoughts

2007-09-18T21:58:00.000-05:00

I've decided to post something of a positive nature. So here are some things that I'm really enjoying about school.
-Although the boys in my show choir suck.....(really)....my director gave us 5 girls a piece of our own to do. It's a five part (every girl has their own part) version of Killing Me Softly. I'm really enjoying it! Finally a really fun and also challenging song, that I'm sure will turn out very nicely at the concert.
-Chambers. Choir is choir, but every year rives (dir) gets nicer and easier to be around, so that's a plus.
-Ap gov sucks as a course and topic to study, but I love the people at my table. That is one of the most entertaining 1 1/2 hours of my week.
-Crossword puzzles are the new fad in my inner circle in ap gov. Its a pass time we all enjoy while ignoring whats being taught. : )
-Ap Euro Hist. Mr teach rocks, and I love the subject matter. I'm actually treating this as a college level course and I'm reading the chapter at home like he "suggested" we do. I love the people in my class and it's a really fun course. Ap Euro Hist, definitely this years favorite class.
-I know, I'm a slacker. I took regular eng 4. lol But it's ok, cause I'm one of the smartest people in there so that's a plus for me and not a lot is required of me. Which is most definitely a plus right now.
-Well since I'm domestically challenged I decided to take a cooking class this year. We haven't started to do much at all, but next class we get to make biscuits. But whether I get to make food and eat it, or I just have an extra hour at school to read a book, I'm glad for the simplicity and relaxed mood in there.
-Dismiss. Dismiss. Dismiss. It's the greatest thing to happened to me since Jesus! (however still not nearly as good as Jesus, Duh) Most days I fill this extra time with two episodes of charmed. lol I know, it's a horrible way to spend my spare time and I should be doing things that are productive or at least different things every day and not become addicted to a tv show. But, I just love it so much. However other days I will miss my show and stay at school and work on all state with rives during 4th, or maybe I have an errand to run. Either way it's very nice to have an extra hour and a half to work with in my day!
-All-state was a sore subject a few weeks ago when i felt all this pressure to be awesome at it. And I'm not saying that pressure is gone, but I'm at least not feeling it as strongly. I feel pretty confident in my ability and even with sight reading. I think I'll do just fine. My first audition is this Saturday so wish me luck. I'm really shooting for 1st chair this year. That would be amazing. But if I lose it, I would like my friend Emily at dhs to get it. She is the only person I would be ok in coming in second behind. But I'm not getting my hopes to high. I just think i can do it, and so I'm shooting for the moon.

So there you have it, happy thoughts. I figured that they were due a turn after all the negative stuff you have read the past week or two. It's so easy to focus on the bad and totally block out all the positive things going on in life. I really struggle with that. But I hope you enjoyed.

random things

2007-09-15T22:10:00.000-05:00

Here I have a list of things that are going on in my life. Maybe you have a clue what I'm talking about, maybe you don't.

-The bug is in the shop : ( It died on me on Friday and i was stranded at school (sorta)
-I hate "vacation time"
-Dad didn't get to go to the lake, so instead he bought a new flat screen tv for his bedroom
-I found a gorgeous dress that looks great on me, but it costs a 100 dollars. So tomorrow shes gonna go look at it and tell me whats wrong with it.
-Last week I was on overload
-I cry about everything, I wish people would stop analyzing me for it
-I don't like being out of my element already and it just started
-I needed that growing up moment, thank you for handling it better then I could have
-I wanna shoot the two boys in my show choir in the face!!
-RHS football has lost its legacy completely! Whoo senior year
-I get to go see Lion King at fair park next Thursday!
-Four years of homecomings, no mum. Its a ridiculous tradition, but I care anyway. I didn't go to the dance. I wonder if I'll regret it.
-Maybe she'll finally realize that I'm not her
-So much for not being negative
-That night scared me, and I'm not looking forward to doing again this week. I felt intimidated, inferior, fake, and trapped.
-I don't trust you yet, it's going to be really hard to get to the point when I do, and I feel bad,
cause it's not your fault.
-I'm not sure why, but Ive not been a happy person for a while
-I would have felt really fake and hypocritical if I would have cried. I am really glad your ok though. I wish that I could want to be better friends with you.

The Last 1st Monday of High School

2007-09-11T01:19:00.000-05:00

yes...I am that girl...Today is indeed the very last, first Monday of my high school experience. (note that RHS did not start school on the same day as the rest of the world..)

Today, was a good day. Besides the rain of course, it was an A day (block schedule) and my "super strenuous" schedule called for 2 periods of choir, then government. (which sounds hard, but no) At 2:11 I left school with my dear friend Charlotte and enjoyed a very tasty meal at chilis, then returned to school at 4 for our weekly women's choir rehearsal. (note the fourth hour I spent singing during school today lol) Now for most people 4 hours of choral rehearsals and being surrounded by the same people all day long would be torturous, but I enjoy it very much.

To add to my choir packed day of fun, today was our choir officer team building retreat. So after rehearsal we got on the bus and headed for Carrolton to a place called Group Dynamix (GDX). It's actually a really neat place inside this warehouse. About 26 of us choir dedicated officers, got to play several leadership and team building games and then spent about an hour hanging from the roof doing several different (VERY DIFFICULT) ropes courses. (including a zip line, which is of course a crowd favorite) I had a ton of fun! Being my second trip to GDX I wasn't really worried about the height or falling. (in fact I kinda like just hanging by the rope and swinging around lol ) But this trip really worked on getting over the "I can't do it" phase. One obstacle especially, a series of tires (it's much harder then it sounds i swear!) had me completely frustrated. But using EVERY amount of upper arm strength I could muster I finally got through it. It was by far the toughest of all the obstacles, but with a little more then average will power, I did it.

A great day indeed. And it only adds to the pretty darn good being of my senior year. Granted lately on my blogs I have seemed a bit negative, but that is just me ranting. I really have had an overall good few weeks. And so far senior year is shaping up to be a good one to end on. I only hope it stays that way. But great things are happening both at school and at church, so I'm definitely hopeful.

(note: today was a day for parenthesis and side notes)

Today I think

2007-09-09T22:39:00.000-05:00

Today I think....
....that I am truly great at one thing, procrastination
....that I want to do things but chose not to
....that life would be complete if charmed played on the weekends too
....I'm starting to lose my Jesus high from camp this summer
....I have no will power or self control
....that I need to become comfortable with who am, physically, mentally, and spiritually
....CBC coffee is super gross,lol at least to my newly acquired taste buds
....that I secretly enjoy when my bro and his friends come over at 3 in the morning on the weekends and wake me up
....that discovering who I am as a person is an incredibly difficult thing to do
....that I get alot of joy when people comment on blogs, myspace, facebook...it just gives me something to do for a minute or so
....I give my school motivation a good 3 weeks till senioritis kicks in to full force
....that social coffee with Kelsey needs to happen
....I am in a funk with my family and that everything they do annoys me
....the guest speaker at church tonight said alot of things that I needed to hear, but I'm not sure if I will respond to them like I know I should
....Satan comes in the form of delicious food
....I really love it when I go to quizznos(sp?) with my friends
....that my life has become stagnant
....I love sulking in misery with bff and eating a pint of cookies and cream ice cream
....I'm super glad I'm over my coughing sickness
....I hate the future
....my room is a pale green flowery prison that doesn't reflect my personality in the slightest bit and at times feels like it suffocates me
....that I miss my friend Taylor more then Ive ever missed anyone before and that I totally took him for granted when i had him
....that I have a very bad habit of dooming things before they have a chance to begin

Media Rules

2007-09-08T23:46:00.000-05:00

It's quite scary to think about how much the media can influence a person. The media is meant to entertain, inform, even to persuade, but I find that it also has the power to control minds. Of course it only has as much power as a person gives willingly, but with that power our generation has been molded into exactly what "they" want.

So many things that we as teenagers do, say, think, wear, etc come straight from what we see and hear from the media. Fashion, and it's importance to be apart of the "in" crowd. Immorality, and sex appeal. The use a drugs and consumption of alcohol. The media not only encourages these things, but they condemn those who don't by labeling these individual thinkers as "nerds", "prude", "ugly". My generation, more then any other is plagued by our upbringing in the media's world. From birth we have been raised to obey popularity and trend.

Aside from the media's control over what we buy, wear, and how we socialize, it also has control over how we think and feel. It's a subtle type of mind control that is rarely noticed. Ever watch a tv show, or movie about a dancer, singer, athlete, etc and then as soon as it's over you want to go try your hand at it? I know I have. I've experienced urges to be a cheerleader after movies like Bring It On, and to dance after the final scene of Center Stage. Sure things like this seem like fun little quirks, but what about when the things we see on tv and hear in music effect the way we feel. How when your really angry you pop in your favorite screamo cd, or when your sad sappy country music just seems to fit. The type of music we turn to no longer remedies our emotions, it only fuels the fire.

Tonight I went to see a great little film called Becoming Jane. It tells the story of the great English writer Jane Austen. It's a love story of course, a sappy chick flick, and yet I'm left with feelings of sadness, and loneliness, and it's not because I really felt bad for the character. Watching her life only makes me think about mine. (I'm a selfish person, oh well) Her love story brings sadness to mind when I think about my love story and how empty it is. I know it's childish and stupid to care about such things or to let a silly movie effect my emotions so much as to make my whole night a downer, but *sigh* that's what happened.

How can I allow movies, tv, music, news, the media in general effect me so deeply. To change my emotions on a whim? I've surrendered all individual thought over and I'm left with what they give me. It's sad really. I would like to think that my knowledge of the powers of media would help me to protect myself against it. But that did me no good tonight. I hope I'll be stronger in the future, but things aren't looking up.

Coffee

2007-09-06T21:51:00.000-05:00

I have never been a coffee drinker. In fact for most of my life I declined any offers and politely said, " No thanks, I don't like the taste." Well, I have finally gotten over it and broken down to conformity with America. A few days ago I decided that coffee is such a social drink that it would do me well to get to the point of enjoying a cup here and there. I think I have found a way of making my coffee so that I don't cringe with every taste. In fact I'm starting to enjoy it. But I made it a point to NOT become addicted to it. I did not want to not be able to start my day without 8 cups before I leave the house and 1 cup for the road. Well, that's all changing now that I find myself in the 2nd week of school with massive amounts of reading for all of classes! I don't get home each day from my routine activities till late at night and then I have to face the many text books and required reading for the next days classes. So I read. And read. And then I wake up in the morning to find that I fell asleep and don't remember what I read. It's a totally useless cycle. So coffee. I know it's not the best choice, but I'm quickly getting over that. So tonight, it's a coffee night and I'm going to attack those books! Wish me luck! I'm just going to keep these coffee nights to a minimum.

An Old Saying

2007-09-03T20:46:00.000-05:00

An old saying..."If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all".

Well, I have nothing nice to say, so I wont say anything at all.

stuff

2007-08-30T22:04:00.000-05:00

i dont feel like grammar today. so be happy with periods.

stuff has been bugging me latly. my mom is driving me crazy and im not sure why. im just a little hostile after talking with her. also im starting to pick up a little road rage. stupid drivers really upset me. and it doesnt help that im listening to some what of angry music...thanks kels.

on another note school had stared and im a tad worried about my reading schedule. i have to quickly finish the last 250 pages of this present darkness by peretti which ive been reading on my own. soon i will have to start the prince by machiavelli for ap euro hist. and then soon ill have to start both beowulf and another outside reading for eng. im thinking of reading the poison wood bible for that but im not decided yet.

Transparency

2007-08-29T21:18:00.000-05:00

I am a to myself kind of person. I love to listen and know every thing about your life, but don't want to share my own. It has to do with being vulnerable. I hate that feeling. To not be in control and to know that others can see right through you. But that's an interesting concept. People looking right through you. To be transparent. It's truly a scary thought. I personally don't have many if any real secrets to hide, but I don't like people knowing how I feel or what I'm thinking. I feel vulnerable to judgement and to pain.

Tonight during our meeting with the Wednesday bible study leaders. Mrs. G mentioned transparency. That's what got me thinking. It was a very subtle comment but I honed in on it in fear. I'm afraid of what might come out if I am truly transparent. My insecurities, or weaknesses with Christ might show! I don't know if I could handle it.

I think this is what keeps our small group from really getting to know each other. Over the past 3 years we have been together almost every Wednesday night and have shared personal stories and feelings but have we really ever been transparent? I don't believe we have even come close. We are afraid to be real with each other for whatever reason. We have had our moments of truth, but they were soon torn away by the fakeness.

I want to be unified and really know these girls and love them and be loved. But it will take complete transparency. I have a feeling that if it's gonna happen, this will be that year. But I'm scared. I'm vulnerable. And to admit this, is as transparent as it gets for now.

first day of school

2007-08-28T22:48:00.000-05:00

My first day of school as a senior was highly uneventful. I had show choir, then chamber choir, then ap government. Show choir was fun cause its only 7 of us and we spent most of our time assembling the new $20,000 risers we got! Then in chambers we talked about school policy and all the typical first day stuff. But then we sang a little bit and i was surprised how well we did. Most of our choir graduated last year and now we only have one senior boy. Most of the boys are sophomores and I don't really like many of the junior girls. But i was pleased with the turnout. Maybe we wont suck so bad this year! : ) Finally I went to my ap gov class with my friend Katie. Our teacher is a really young cheerleader who used to teach asl. So she is really hyper and bouncy and has a hand motion for EVERYTHING!!! But aside from that it sounds like the class will be good and i like the people that i sit around. Then I got to experience the joys of senior out!! I left school at 2:11pm. Went out the subway for lunch and went home and relaxed. I have senior out everyday this entire year and I'm SUPER excited about it!

Tonight we had the parent meeting for Tues night discipleship. I'm a little worried about the number of kids and the split for Tues and wed but I'm trusting that it'll work out. But I did very much like the 6th graders i met today and i loved their parents! They seem so encouraging and they really want their kids to be there and to grow. They were very easy to talk to and i had a really good time. I think this year is going to be awesome. God's got good plans in store.

Who Am I?

2007-08-26T22:40:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that you don't know who I am. That could in part be because I don't know either. I do know however, that I live to different lives, and even though it's frowned upon I am a different person depending on who I around. I have a life in flo mo, and a life in denton. To very different lives that I can control how and when one mingles with the other....or if it EVER does.

Flo mo:
My flo mo life consist of my church friends. I think that I am more myself in this life. Or at least I am more of who I want myself to be. I'm more outgoing and loud. I have more fun in this life too. I'm involved and I have tons of friends; boy, girl, young, old. I'm a leader here. I talk more freely and I talk much more often. I am always up for hanging out more often and longer no matter where and when. And I never mind the 20 minute drive.

Denton:
This life consist of my family and school friends. In this life I am shy and don't talk a whole lot. I spend alot of time alone even if my friends are out doing something. I don't like the 10 minute drive to get to where most of my friends live. I'm involved in things mainly so that I will have friends. It's hard for me to meet new people because I'm so shy. I generally don't speak my mind because I know it's not what anyone wants to hear. I don't like to be at home much ( don't get me wrong I love my family). I only have a few friends and really only one that i like to spend time with. But when I'm with that one friend, bff, I am more like myself in my flo mo life.

I am not your typical two sided person who acts one way in church and another in school. I am every way the same in both places spiritually and morally. Its more just that my personality changes. I think that it's because I am much more comfortable with those of you in flo mo. I don't feel judged and I don't have to be cool. But I think that living these two very different lives has made it quite difficult to figure out who I am as a person. Because truly I am parts of both of these lives. And I am not other parts at all. And sometimes I'm both. I sort of know who I want to be, but I definitely don't know who I am now.

So to clear things up a bit...these are some true things about me...what ever that means.
-I don't talk alot and when I do it's only because I'm comfortable with you
-I am shy. It takes alot of determination for me to meet new people.
-I cry alot. I love crying and I will cry at almost anything. I don't like crying in front of people but only because they make judgements on me.
-I love to people watch....and yes I do judge you. I know it's wrong.
-I care about my friends...but I want to be cared for in return....this is my biggest issue with the people of my denton life.
-In flo mo I pretend to be in control, I think I do it because you like me more this way.
-Also in flo mo, I act like I'm a big deal...when really I don't think much of myself but again, you like me more this way.
(I say that you like me more this way because you didn't have a clue who I was or cared when I acted otherwise for 15 years.)
-I like to listen more then talking
-I detach myself from people if I know they are leaving so that I wont hurt. But I really do miss you.
-I think alot
-Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean some thing is wrong. Most of the time if some thing is wrong, I will talk more so that you wont notice.
-If you ask me whats wrong and I say nothing...and you ask again I'll never tell you. If you let me know that you know some thing is wrong but understand that I might not want to talk about it...I'll probably tell you
-I don't ask how you are for mere conversation....I really want to know. Most people just wont really tell me.
-I don't like being the center of attention at all. I feel really uncomfortable.
-I am horrible at small talk. I love deep conversation.
-I am very non-confrontational
-I am a pleaser
-I'm not aggressive and I don't approach people.
-I just want to feel like i belong some where.
-I love it when people notice if I'm gone
-I am very critical about myself.
-I don't know what I want from life.
-I hate awkward situations
-I'm not very opinionated
-I HATE making decisions
-I am not a feminist. I believe the man is the leader, and I like it better that way.
-I like to be friends with people younger than me because I feel less judged.
-I want a boyfriend really bad, but I'm to picky to actually have one.
-I spend alot of money but I'm really cheap.
-I'm an introvert
-It makes me abnormally happy when people tell me they like something I did.
-I have a secret box of secretly special stuff
-I compare myself to Gretchen Wieners when I say that its better to be hating life with friends then to not have friends at all.
-I ate lunch alone for the last 3 months of school sophomore year. I hated every minute of it but I had to be away from the person who I called my best friend that whole year.

College Stress

2007-08-25T21:53:00.000-05:00

Every where I go some one asks me what I'm going to do in college. where am I going to go? What do I want to be? I am sick and tired of not being able to answer any of those questions!!! I know where I'm going to go; UNT, but the question of majors is one that plagues me. I have no idea what I like or what I don't. The only thing that I know I should do, music, I know that I don't want to do. I don't even know if I see myself working in the future. All I have a passion for is travel. But traveling takes money. And I have to have a job to have money. It's a problem. And it's all I think about. Not to mention the added stress I get from the parents. ugh!

Attention Please, Summer has been cancelled....on account of rain.

2007-08-24T23:01:00.000-05:00

Last May when school let out my mind was flowing with plans for the summer ahead. I was going on several trips and I had plenty of time put away for sleeping, reading, and decompressing. Most of this I had planned to happen in my favorite spot; the lake house. I love coming up to this house so much. Getting away from my everyday peers, problems, stresses, and life, is the greatest thing.

Rain. Rain. Rain. More Rain. Not that rain itself is a bad thing, in fact I realize how much needed alot of it was. It's the damage the amount of rain had on my lake house that really upset me. As the water poured over the Texoma Spillway for the first time since 1989, all my hopes for a sun kissed tan, relaxing boat outings and beaches slipped from my reach. Until today I haven't seen this lake since the weekend before July 4th. As the water continued to rise all the walkways to my slip twisted and became unusable, also we had no electricity and no water. Then the roads were under water and no one was allowed access to the state park at all for over a month.

My perfect summer was gone. Granted I did find other places to go and things to do, and people to hang out with, but all had a bittersweet taste. All summer I had fun, but it was not where I really wanted to be. Today I got a small but satisfying taste of my summer. A perfect day with calm waters and a great swim. Suddenly as the boat glided across the unused water all my bitterness fell away. Because I was forced to change my summer plans and delete the lake from them entirely, I had a much greater appreciation for what I have here. For the first time I didn't see it as this place I go to because I can. I saw it as a privilege. I was lucky to enjoy my final weekend of summer in this house.

I also noticed how much time I have missed out on spending with my family this summer. I am so busy that I get into a habit where the only time I really spend with them is when I'm at the lake. So it is really nice to get this last couple of days to just chill out with folks.

God is good. He has a plan. That's the lesson I learned today.

Thanks Brent

2007-08-23T12:37:00.000-05:00

I know this crazy guy with long blonde hippie hair and a passion for teens, and for some reason I've found that over the years I have come to value his opinion more and more. Recently I read a blog of his showcasing statistics about how little the average adult reads. This information didn't surprise me in the least. But it did make me start to think. I love to read. But like most of America my excuse for not doing so is lack of time. But truly there is no lack of time. Its really a lack of time management. I started to analyze how I spend my spare time. Ive found that I don't do much of anything productive. I am so busy all the time running from place to place that when I have spare time I usually sit in front of the tv or computer and decompress. It's to stressful to read because I would have to think about more stuff. But isn't this a shame. Reading has become more of a chore to me. But when I do sit down and read I tend to relax more then when I'm just vegging in my lazy-boy staring into the tv.

Brent asked his readers to poll how many books they have read this year. What kinds of books do they read, and what was their favorite. Well I started to comment and to my dismay had a hard time thinking of any books that I did read. I've read two in the last month but before that I hadn't read much at all. One or two books for English, and I might not have even read the whole thing. So I've decided that I'm not going to become that statistic. I'm starting with the 2 books I've read so far this summer and going forward. Ive started a new one today.

Thanks Brent for giving me a new passion to not allow my mind to veg. And for not being a statistic.

To Picky?

2007-08-22T00:21:00.000-05:00

This is very poorly written....suck it up.

By the way, try not to psychoanalyze me please.

People always tell me that it's a good thing that I am very picky when it comes to who I date. I know what I want and I try not to settle. But is it possible to be TO PICKY?? If it is then I have definitely met that mark. Every boy I have met so far in my dating career has been almost up to par. But not quite. All of them Mr 9 out of 10's. You would think that a 9 is pretty darn close to perfect...but you would be wrong. To me 9 is just not good enough. Lets analyze the last few boys I've dated/ thought about dating. I'll call them T, C, D, and M. (Just for reference these boys have been spread out over a large period of time)

T:
I actually called myself his gf. T is that perfect boy you see in the movies that does everything right all the time. He is very cute, an 8 or 9 for sure. Very smart. Very funny. He loves Jesus and he liked me. What more can a girl ask for huh? Well, aside from all that, he played to many video games and was to good at them and I thought he was kind of a nerd. That did it. Once I realized this, it was over. I started to like him less and less until we finally broke up.

C:
I wasn't official with C ever but we did go on a date or two. I met C at a Christian camp. (so he loves Jesus too) C is very tall, handsome, funny, easy to talk to, has the same moral standards as I do. REALLY liked me. He is a musician and plays like 8 different instruments. But he lived to far away and I really didn't like the earring he has.

D:
I've known D since I was 8. He is my brothers best friend. He's older, mature, very very cute. Really funny, has a job, so sweet. But he doesn't love Jesus, and he drinks.

M:
M is my current prospect...Ive been friends with him for over a year, and I love him to death. (friendly love of course) Loves Jesus, very good looking, so much fun to hang out with. Extremely talented singer. We have a lot in common. But he's just barely shorter than me and I hate his mother.

I might not have gotten my point across very well but what I'm trying to explain is that everything could be right with this person, but one tiny minuet detail and that one thing will turn me off completely!!! I will start to like this person a lot and then very quickly find that small problem. I dated T for almost 2 months....technically I went on 1 date with C, but I talked to him all the time on the phone, but the idea of him only lasted about 3 weeks.....I entertained thoughts of dating D for about a month until he actually asked and after 4 or so hours I had decided against it. And finally M and I have on and off flirted for the whole past year but now that I know he likes me and I could actually have that relationship, 3 days later, I'm not sure if I want it.

I'm screwed up! Something must be clinically wrong with me. I'm TO PICKY!!!! I want to be ready for a relationship! I pray about it all the time. But when I sit down and really think about it and things like this, I realize that I'm most definitely not ready at all for one! And it sucks! I hate it!

I think I'll leave you now and go throw a pity party for myself in my room.

When Passion Becomes Obligation

2007-08-21T12:48:00.000-05:00

I enjoy singing a lot. I love to learn new music as much as I love to perform it! I love to sing alone and in my whole choir. The whole process is just fun for me. Its my way of releasing tension, singing relaxes me. That's why I do stuff like all state and solo and ensemble competitions. I get to cram music, which is one of my favorite things to do. I hate taking 6 weeks to learn a piece. Give me two days and Ill be ready to perform it. And that's how all state camps work. We take 4 days and learn 8 pieces of music and then perform and record the concert. But in choir it will take 6 weeks to learn 3 or 4 pieces....it gets frustrating. Doing all state gives me something more interesting to work on so I don't get bored with our choir music.

Anyway, every year i have auditioned for all state and loved doing it. Learning music, the excitement of the audition, more challenging music, etc. Last year I finally made the All-State Choir. I was 3rd chair women's choir. Which basically means I was 7th in the state for my voice part. Its a really big deal to make all state. Especially as a junior because now I can do it again senior year. And I plan to. Ive been to 2 camps this summer learning the music for this years auditions. And because I was an all stater I got to go to these camps either for free or at a discounted price. That was pretty cool.

I'm not saying all this to brag. I'm saying this because it was a passion. And still is kinda. But this year I'm not doing all state because I want to anymore. I'm doing it because I'm expected to. I made it once, now I have to do it again. And on top of that, I have to do better! So now when I audition its not just nerve racking, its 10 times more pressure. It doesn't even stop here. Besides the pressure to make all state again, I have the pressure to be the best at school too. If I make a mistake or do anything wrong it's even more unacceptable. Why? Because I'm an all stater and I should be better then that.

This might seem like an over the top rant. But I really do get this from people. They expect me to be perfect, and I'm far from it. It just starts to get frustrating and draining when passion turns into obligation.

random things that I'm liking alot right now

2007-08-19T23:36:00.000-05:00

Right now I'm really liking

-GOD
-blogging
-bff
-cars
-star gazing
-special star gazing spot
-cbc
-my artistic friend
-not gay Matt (ha)
-jazz music
-time
-losing 8 pounds
-school starting
-being a senior
-not worrying about college
-the prospect of going to winter park, Disney land, and south padre this year
-Cardboard Bethany!
-free movies
-Francine Rivers books
-no summer assignments!!
-time alone
-time with friends
-senior out!!
-my bigger purse
-being liked
-TLC's What Not to Wear
-Bravo's Top Chef
-being domestic
-my idiot brother
-bullets and octane (thx kels)
-genie in a bottle....

-All of the above having stories behind them...and you not knowing what those stories are! ; )

Workin at the CAR WASH

2007-08-17T23:44:00.000-05:00

I have to wake up at 6am tomorrow to be at a choir car wash at 7:30 in the AM (had to stress the AM part) I would normally be ok with this, except for tomorrow we wont make any money at all. First off I don't know who really ever actually gets their car washed by these things except the parents and maybe a family friend or two. Secondly there is RAIN in the forecast!!!! Who gets their car washed if they know its going to rain? Or might be raining at the moment!! Thirdly, our choir is being gay and only 12 or so of us are going to be there!

This is a disaster! And I'm super happy about waking up at 6 to see it in all it's rainy glory...

Crappy Art

2007-08-16T22:21:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been spending a great amount of time with my dear friend Kelsey. She is a very talented artist and I have been admiring her work a lot and we have been talking about art a lot lately. Or at least much more then I ever talk about art with any of my other friends. Well I enjoy this very much, but it has left me in a very troubling area. I tend to be a person who sees something and then has to try it. Like if I watch a dance movie like center stage, immediately after it's over I feel like dancing. (and I will if nobody is around) ; ) So naturally I have felt like doing something "artistic"....Problem is that I am a horrible artist. In 17 years I have managed to master the stick figure. So I am left with so much artistic energy in me, and no outlet. Quite frustrating really. Well I might have found a way to solve my present dilemma. I always see pieces of art or sculpture type things in parks or town squares, etc. Well frankly, I just don't see most of these to have much artistic value. Granted, I'm not an artistic scholar, but I just haven't seen much talent in most of it. And for a long time it has been one of my life goals to make a piece of really crappy art and have it displayed in a park somewhere. I think my artistic abilities could handle it. :D So maybe one of these days when I'm feeling a need to express myself artistically (in a very non talented way) Ill get started on my crappy art sculpture.

The Game of Life

2007-08-14T19:46:00.000-05:00

When Milton Bradley created this child's board game, I wonder if he realized what he was really doing. The game of LIFE. It takes you on a one way journey from youth to retirement. As it would seem the game hits all the "big events" in life: getting a job, marriage, buying a home, children, etc. He must have been a very smart man to be able to compile an entire life complete with picnics, and car troubles. And just like the human life every time you play you find yourself being a different person and each with different events. Each life different. And yet if you look further into it, each life is remarkably the same. Every life must STOP and be married. Every life must STOP and get a job, buy a house. Eventually every life must STOP and retire. Every life seems to live from pay day to pay day enjoying simple pleasures life brings along the way. Yes, Mr. Bradley created a great children's game that has entertained the masses since 1860, and kudos to him for doing it. But I believe he has done a great injustice to what we call LIFE. However, even though the game is an injustice to what life really is, he has managed to make a fairly realistic summary and put it in a box so that you and I could grow up making light of the events of adulthood.

First off his game enters a life at 18 and has nothing to say about what this person has experienced during those precious and vital years. I myself am approaching this age and it confuses me to think that my whole life so far has meant nothing to this game of life. Has nothing I've gone through; the pain and joys of these years been significant enough to even be mentioned when summing up life as a whole? I can not agree with Milton's choice to disregard the early years. I believe these have been the years that have shaped me and defined what kind of person I am and what kind of LIFE i will live.

Secondly, just as he counts 18 years of existence to not be important enough to recognize, he also throws out all the years the Lord blesses you with past 65. That's interesting to me that close to 50 years of Milton Bradley's life didn't seem to have any real importance. To me this is absurd! These are the years of grand-children and watching your own marry and go through those crazy years of adulthood. These are your wisest years.

Though the game would be more realistic if it had involved these years, I can understand the decision to leave them out. You may think that I'm criticizing his work, but on the contrary, I believe it to be a great piece. Milton Bradley chose to start the game at a time in life when you really start to live. Around that age you finally become your own person and no longer depend upon others to help you. And He so wisely thought to end the game upon a time in life when people start to live not for themselves but for other people. Putting themselves aside in their old age to tend to those younger still lost in the world.

I wondered at first why the game only had one path when so many people lead drastically different lives. Well, I asked the question earlier if Milton Bradley realized what he was really doing when he created this game. I believe that he did, and if I'm wrong, well then he was wise beyond his own understanding. All while creating a child's game he laid out the basics of any and all human lives. There is only one path, not because we all experience the same stuff, but because we all are bound to time. And sooner or later time will take us from youth to old age. That's what's really behind this game of life. Not the stuff in the middle, because that could change at any point. Every time you find yourself playing this game the you will land on a different event, and what happens to you will change. But every time you will always start and stop at the same places. He handed you the events, and left it up to you, the player to chose how to handle it and the emotions you met each new experience with.

This is how I think of God. He gives us all lives, and lays them out with different events and experiences. Things that we can't plan or change. But He leaves it up to us to chose how we handle it. We are all bound to this game of LIFE. But it's not the game that matters, it's what we chose to do with it.

Life Soundtrack

2007-08-13T19:45:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been thinking about making a CD that has songs that all describe me in a different way. My life's soundtrack. I just kept thinking about how I wanted to make one, and today I finally started on the project. I quickly realized however, that this was a much bigger project then I thought it would be. There is just so much music in the world. How can I chose 18 or so songs on a whim that define me? I can't. This is going to take a lot of thought. I have a lot of song, and soul searching to do before this is complete. As of now I have come up with a few songs that are on my list of possible soundtrack worthy songs.

Lauren's Soundtrack as of 8/13/07

Average Girl ~Barlow girls
Voice of truth ~Casting Crowns
Identity Crisis ~Thrice
I want you to want me ~Cheap Trick
Feeling good ~Micheal Buble
Teenagers ~My Chemical Romance

I think the hardest part about this whole process is differentiating the songs that i just LOVE, and the ones that actually say something about me.

The best and worst of friends

2007-08-13T14:23:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months, those of you who know me will recall that I have often said that my friends suck! Well that is a very unfair statement when I take into consideration ALL of my friends, and not just the few that are annoying me at the time. So let me take some time to further explain my friend situation.

I'll start with the reason I originally made that very unfair statement. Some of my friends do suck from time to time. I spend most of my time (or at least use to) with these people. We are in all the same activities and classes at school and so naturally we just started hanging out last year. The first semester was GREAT! I can't even explain how happy I was then to have such a large group of great friends. Then when second semester started things went sour fast. I started to care more and more every time the group would hang out and they would just "forget" to call me. Or as they like to put it, If I didn't call them, they assume that I was busy. Well that's a load of crap and they knew it. This same thing has been going on since and I have finally had it. I mentioned in my before blog that I went star gazing. Well what I didn't mention at that time was all the drama that had surrounded the event. Best friend and I had planned a big trip for the whole group plus some to all go out to our spot together. I was the one who found out that there was a meteor shower and when the best time to go would be. If I hadn't told them about it they would never have known. But instead they decided to go the night before and just not tell best friend and I. Well of course we found out. And I was hurt. That's the only way to put it. I was upset and frustrated and I cried. I'm sick and tired of caring about these people when none of them care about me. Or even take me into consideration. I don't need friends like these.

My spirits have been a little low lately, due to my crappy friends. But today I started thinking and God is really showing me that I do have some pretty amazing friends. Ex-bf/ best guy friend, who I love with all my heart (in a bff way) is leaving for college tomorrow. *sad face* Yesterday before church I got to go hang out with him and my other boyfriends before church. We went bowling. (yay bowling!) I love hanging out with these guys. They always put me in such a great mood. I feel so important and loved and cared about when I'm with them. You have to understand our relationships. They all have girlfriends so its not like they all swoon over me and I love the attention. No. Its that they have been my friends for years and we understand and just love each other. Anyway, after church we all went back to ex-bf's house to have a going away party thing. His girl was there and that always sucks for me, because she is one of those clingy types and she's always all over him. So nobody can really hang with him like we normally do. But I love him so much because even though she is there he always makes me know that he cares about me. We just have a deep relationship and we care for each other. Its one of those friendships that we can not see each other for months and then just pick up where we left off. Anyway, so I left the party last night to go star gazing but I was in a fantastic mood. Feeling much better about my friend situation. Then this morning he drove over to my house and woke me up just so that we could have a personal, real good-bye. It meant ALOT to me and I hope he knows that.

My friends mean so much to me. I love them all, even when they suck. All of them touch my life in a different way and here are my thoughts on you all personally.

we are God's gift to each other, you are my best friend.
I'll marry you one day
I wish I knew more about you, but so far you've amazed me. You're my best friend in town 2.
I wish you would have let me be your friend...your life would be better off. You would have actually had a friend that cared about you.
we should hang out more. We need each other in that group.
you saved my life
you hurt me. I had to stop being your friend. But I wish we could be friends now. But I'm afraid you'll do it again.
I know that you want to know God, but your afraid that they will treat you like you treated me.
I wish you would realize that you deserve better then what you settle for.
Be who you are. It's ok. I wont judge you.
I wonder if she had lived, If we would still be friends?
3/4 you are a great friend. Its no wonder that our friendship has lasted and the others didn't.

Star Gazing

2007-08-13T02:58:00.000-05:00

Star gazing. *sigh* Deffinately on my top 5 list of things to do with a boyfriend!!! August has one of the best meteor showers all year round. And tonight, the 12th around 1am was suposed to be the hieght of it. So two of my girlfriends and I borrowed my dads truck and drove out past the city to a dark country spot. We had so much fun. I was out from 11 to 1:30 am and saw probably close to 30 shooting stars. Being able to get away from the city lights to see thousands of beautiful stars brings me to a state of awe every time. It reminds me of how amazing God is. How could I see such amazing beautiful things and ever doubt His existance?

Tips for star gazing:
-know where to go
-BUG SPRAY...is your best friend!
-pillows and blankets
-check the sky, clouds are no good!

I think I enjoy going star gazing so much because its a really good time for me to think about stuff. Im going into my senior year in high school and that brings about alot of crazy changes. Friends are leaving me and all I have to look forward to in the future is the rest of my friends leaving me. Im staying in town, going to the university that is here where I live. While my best friends are scattering across the nation!!! Not to mention my mother is driving me up a wall!!! I have an entire year left, and it seems like we fight about my future decisions every day. Today she had an emotional break down because I mentioned wanting to move out next year. I'll be almost 19 at the time and ready to leave. She should at least be happy that I'm not leaving town! doesn't that count for anything??? I guess not. Well she also doesn't wanna pay for me to have an apartment. What she doesn't understand is that I am ok with that. I plan to get a job and pay for it. She also thinks that I plan to have this amazing apartment with all the comforts that I have now, living at home. Im not that ignorant. Honestly I know I could never aford the comfort I have now. I dont expect to live like that when Im on my own. I just want to be independant. Im sick and tired of having to ask for permission to do anything and everything. Always answering to someone else! Im a big girl, I think I can handle it. You know, 90% of college kids live that way, or worse....in a dorm!! (heaven forbid I ever do that) I think I can handle it.

So I thought alot about that tonight. Also I thought about boys alot. Im one of those girls who doesn't date alot. My standards are just to high. I refuse to settle for most of the boys my high school has to offer. Ive been "talking" to this guy I met a few weeks ago at a summer camp but I dont think that will go anywhere. My main issue is that he just lives to far away! He is close to an hour away from me. Some people can handle long distance relationships, and more power to them. But Im not one of them! Im just not mature enough for that. My last real boyfriend was close to 3 years ago. Not that i havnt dated. But if Im going to commit to someone, I have to have them near me. I cant be emotionaly attached to someone that I only get to see every other week and for a few hours. No, not for me. Sorry. He's a great guy, but zip codes.....its a problem!

Star gazing...its one of my favorite pass times...